He said, "Lay down and die."
So I bit my lip, let out a cry.
"Why oh why? Why must I die?"
Tears dripping down my face not dry.
So I laid down upon that place.
Betting all I have upon grace,
And then I waited and waited more
And a burden then struck me to the core.
I laid down upon that rock
And patiently checked the clock.
I wanted desperately to arise,
Yet laid there awaiting the prize.
And still I lay and wait for death.
Wondering when it will be my last breath.
You said You wanted for me to die,
Yet why won't You come and let me die?
I am not distressed at what You say.
Will Your promises come true today?
Why must I wait and wait and wait
For a harvest I know that is not late?
Why must my heart continue to break?
How much more of this can I take?
When will you come and kill me so?
When will this burden be let go?
I know it is soon and I know I can wait,
But please be timely and don't be late.
My heart has had its fill of this pain,
So please be gentle so I don't go insane.
I know You speak and I have heard
Many wonderful things; Your Word.
But I now am doubting if its true.
I am just being honest with You.
I am on that rock in that place
Still searching for a glimpse of Your face.
Still waiting upon your Word;
The Word which you promised and I heard.
I have died. I have died. I have died,
Yet I live and I live and I have cried
Too many tears and fasted too many meals,
And all I want is to just be healed.
Not just that, but there is a lot more.
And you know my heart; my face upon floor
Can You just do what You promised?
Can You just please do what You promised?
I am hurting laying and waiting.
It is painful to just wait waiting.
But I will still look to You
For there is nothing I can do.
I can only lay here on this rock.
Knowing one day I will see the clock
And You will say, "Arise now and live."
And I will stand with a heart healed to live.
So I will wait and wait and wait
For as long as this will take.
My heart is Yours; my life is Yours
My soul is Yours; my all is Yours.
I will cry more tears
Releasing my fears.
I will fast more meals
And chase You for reals.
I am Yours so have Your way.
There is nothing You cannot say.
I am ready now oh so ready now.
Do what You will; do what You will.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Stand Up and Fight!
Tick-tock-Tick-tock--the clock keeps ticking and time continues to find its path forward. There is no living unless it is called TODAY. Time has not stopped and neither should I! Time waits for no man, yet millions have wasted their lives by stopping when time did not. Millions have stayed put and not moved forward because at a point in time, they became hurt and feared feeling that pain again and stayed in their place of "comfort" for just a little longer and then just a little more longer and then a month became a few months, then a few months became a year and a year became a few years and a few years became ten years and ten years became twenty and so on.
I have experienced so much pain in my life, I never knew if I could know what real joy and real peace and real happiness really is. There are times when I think this is the life, but it's not even close to that. Life has passed by a few times and I have been stuck in a position of pain more than once. I so hate that I know there are wasted years in my life due to me not being able move forward. And what's more than that...I didn't know how to move forward. It really hurts when all one wants is to keep moving, but can't due to lack of knowledge and wisdom.
Right now there is an intense amount of pressure and responsibility on me. I feel it and when I begin to think about it, I just feel like hiding some place where no one can find me and sometimes just feel like committing crimes or something in order to not feel the pressure. Let me clarify that this was me before. As in, before I recognized my life as a son of God.
Today, I had a revelation! The enemy has been defeated! Death couldn't hold You down! I'm gonna life my voice in victory. Gonna make Your praises loud! SHOUT OUT TO GOD WITH A VOICE OF TRIUMPH!!!! SHOUT OUT TO GOD WITH A VOICE OF PRAISE!!!! I lift your Name up! I realized that for those years that I felt were wasted was because I had the wrong mindset. I was not proactive in securing my freedom--even when I did not know what to do. Even if I didn't know what to do, I could have just kept fighting and fighting even though I knew I was getting beat up. However, I decided to just get knocked out so as to not even feel anything or fight. Plus, it was a good excuse--who is gonna pressure a man to keep moving and fighting after he has been knocked out? No many even godly men would do that.
Today I realized that I have to fight even if my big butt is taking a beating! Even if I am near death and cannot let up--I cannot give up and just let the enemy walk all over me and my friends and the ministry He has entrusted me with along with all the leaders and people who are involved in that ministry. Fight and beat back the enemy because the enemy HAS BEEN defeated and VICTORY has already occurred--I am just walking out the process of what has already happened.
I know this sounds like a bit much, but I believe every word of it. There is no way I can sit down and get knocked out again and waste more years. I am not a boy anymore. I am a MAN! A MAN I SAY! I am not some little boy who can't tie his shoes, but I am a man who has been entrusted with people whose very life seems to depend on my actions.
I have prayed and have asked God to steady my heart...to steady my mind...and to steady my whole being. There is nothing worse than a man with whom you cannot feel secure with because he is all over the place. God has given me authority, power, and covering and I will use wisdom and discretion to lead.
Feelings can come and feelings go, but God remains the same forever. I feel so much pressure and may continue to feel that pressure, but that doesn't mean the WORD is not true. It just means life will be hard, but joy can be found in obedience. I have laid everything down at the foot of the cross. I have given up all my dreams and hopes and desires. And I now stand and defend those whom God has entrusted me with.
It is scary, but the reward, though might not be on earth, is so worth spending myself for. I gladly suffer crazy "feelings" in order that others may be free and know Jesus and know Life and how to live it to the fullest. I have decided that I will not seek my own desires, but the wellbeing of others. I want to spend my life for the freedom of others even if it means me suffering a bit so that they can see their freedom.
I have lived too long with ME in front. I now want to only be lead by Jesus and if others follow...then so be it, but only as long as they follow to see Jesus!
If you read this and are stuggling--just stand up and fight! If you don't know the way or how to fight--ask God for wisdom and He WILL give it to you. Let me help too if you want. I will stand in the gap in prayer and will go and intercede on your behalf.
KEEP FIGHTING! KEEP CHASING! NEVER STOP AND GIVE UP!
When this happens--I will have the pleasure of spending eternity with you! So wonderful!
I have experienced so much pain in my life, I never knew if I could know what real joy and real peace and real happiness really is. There are times when I think this is the life, but it's not even close to that. Life has passed by a few times and I have been stuck in a position of pain more than once. I so hate that I know there are wasted years in my life due to me not being able move forward. And what's more than that...I didn't know how to move forward. It really hurts when all one wants is to keep moving, but can't due to lack of knowledge and wisdom.
Right now there is an intense amount of pressure and responsibility on me. I feel it and when I begin to think about it, I just feel like hiding some place where no one can find me and sometimes just feel like committing crimes or something in order to not feel the pressure. Let me clarify that this was me before. As in, before I recognized my life as a son of God.
Today, I had a revelation! The enemy has been defeated! Death couldn't hold You down! I'm gonna life my voice in victory. Gonna make Your praises loud! SHOUT OUT TO GOD WITH A VOICE OF TRIUMPH!!!! SHOUT OUT TO GOD WITH A VOICE OF PRAISE!!!! I lift your Name up! I realized that for those years that I felt were wasted was because I had the wrong mindset. I was not proactive in securing my freedom--even when I did not know what to do. Even if I didn't know what to do, I could have just kept fighting and fighting even though I knew I was getting beat up. However, I decided to just get knocked out so as to not even feel anything or fight. Plus, it was a good excuse--who is gonna pressure a man to keep moving and fighting after he has been knocked out? No many even godly men would do that.
Today I realized that I have to fight even if my big butt is taking a beating! Even if I am near death and cannot let up--I cannot give up and just let the enemy walk all over me and my friends and the ministry He has entrusted me with along with all the leaders and people who are involved in that ministry. Fight and beat back the enemy because the enemy HAS BEEN defeated and VICTORY has already occurred--I am just walking out the process of what has already happened.
I know this sounds like a bit much, but I believe every word of it. There is no way I can sit down and get knocked out again and waste more years. I am not a boy anymore. I am a MAN! A MAN I SAY! I am not some little boy who can't tie his shoes, but I am a man who has been entrusted with people whose very life seems to depend on my actions.
I have prayed and have asked God to steady my heart...to steady my mind...and to steady my whole being. There is nothing worse than a man with whom you cannot feel secure with because he is all over the place. God has given me authority, power, and covering and I will use wisdom and discretion to lead.
Feelings can come and feelings go, but God remains the same forever. I feel so much pressure and may continue to feel that pressure, but that doesn't mean the WORD is not true. It just means life will be hard, but joy can be found in obedience. I have laid everything down at the foot of the cross. I have given up all my dreams and hopes and desires. And I now stand and defend those whom God has entrusted me with.
It is scary, but the reward, though might not be on earth, is so worth spending myself for. I gladly suffer crazy "feelings" in order that others may be free and know Jesus and know Life and how to live it to the fullest. I have decided that I will not seek my own desires, but the wellbeing of others. I want to spend my life for the freedom of others even if it means me suffering a bit so that they can see their freedom.
I have lived too long with ME in front. I now want to only be lead by Jesus and if others follow...then so be it, but only as long as they follow to see Jesus!
If you read this and are stuggling--just stand up and fight! If you don't know the way or how to fight--ask God for wisdom and He WILL give it to you. Let me help too if you want. I will stand in the gap in prayer and will go and intercede on your behalf.
KEEP FIGHTING! KEEP CHASING! NEVER STOP AND GIVE UP!
When this happens--I will have the pleasure of spending eternity with you! So wonderful!
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Lay Down and Die?
So there is this huge heaviness I am carrying around with me. It started out really small a couple weeks before I left for England and has grown into a huge burden that I am carrying around. There seems to be no way of escaping it. I have no idea how to go about dealing with it. See, God has called me to lay down and die--in a manner of speaking. He has told me to lay on the alter much like Issac and not move.
I really want to lay down and die because I know that is the only way one can actually live, yet I just have heaviness. I just have pain. I just have emptiness and loneliness. Of course, these are the thing I feel and doesn't necessarily mean I AM these things--I just feel these things; and I hate feeling this burden.
I don't know how to get rid of it really. People would say just do it--lay it down. Believe me I have tried everything. I have been on my knees in tears and brokeness before God. I have prayed in the Spirit time and time again. I have worshiped and drawn near to God and, yet there is this pain and aching inside that feels like depression, yet not depression. I know it is not depression because the feeling is in my stomach, not my heart. I know the Spirit dwells (so to speak) in the stomach region and have learned to recognize what is of the Spirit and what it of the flesh. And generally the feelings in the stomach is not always bad, but if it is in the heart/upper chest area it' not good--so I have come to understand.
I have been on my knees praying and crying out to God and the pain remains. I have written everything that I feel like I am holding on to...all my fears, anxiety, hurts and pains, and future, desires, hopes and dreams. I prayed over it and crumpled it up and beat it and then burned it! And still nothing! I even vomited today while praying and still this burden just keeps following me around.
Perhaps I am feeling just a little of what Job felt...having that same burden, yet the physical pain as well as the pain of the loss of his family and then of course his 'friends' who added to his burden and yet he still worshiped and honored God even saying.. "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him." Job 13:15
Or maybe a little part of this burden Joseph. When he was sold into slavery by his own family, falsely accused and sent to prison, and then forgotten by those whom he helped. Yes, his was a burden and I cannot say this can compare to either of them or let alone the burden Jesus carried and felt.
Still, this is so hard to carry. I want to lay it all down and have laid down and died. I just can't shake this feeling. I have asked God to just take the burden from me, yet I still walk in it and don't understand it. I have finally asked God to just take it from me. Actually, it seems like something is being birthed. Not that I have ever given birth to a baby, but I am told that it is like the final moments from when the pain is at its zenith and then the baby is born.
God has broken me and I'll I want is to be spent for Him. To abide in Him, and yet there is this cloud over me and I am questioning my very loyalty to the King who has redeemed me. I feel like there is something wrong with me and can't shake it. That there is something I am holding back, but there can't be because I just want to die cause I know that's when I will truly live. So why is this happening? Why am I feeling this way? Why has this feeling...this burden not lifted from me? What must I do to regain this peace that was once oh so sweet?
Even though I have not idea how to lay down and die properly, I will still hope in the Lord. Nothing can separate me from His love. I am His and He is mine, and I know that this too shall pass and I will await my rescue from the lord. I will await the embrace of the King for "You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes..." Song of Solomon 4:9
It is my desire to give it all--my life, my dreams, my desires all to God. I want to lay it down and have done so. I only want to be obedient to the King and my Father. How can I run for him where could I go? "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. (Psalm 139: 7-8) I cannot hide and my heart is transparent and laid bare before Him.
I thought that I would be better after writing this, but I guess there is some timing involved in God's plan here. I am wrestling and doing everything I have been taught to do and it is not helping, so I will just continue to persist in prayer and wait upon the LORD. Just because I fell this way does not mean God is not Who He says He is. No, he IS Faithful and Loyal and a Wonderful Father and a Just and Merciful King. I will still praise Him and I will still follow Him and serve others and love others even if I feel this way for a long time...perhaps the rest of my life. However, there is a still a peace that comes when I think of how this will be resolved because I know My Daddy is a good God and will not let me suffer more than I can bear!
So I will keep pressing in and pressing onward because I know that "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." (Galatians 2:20) I will overcome and will come out of this when God decides to take this burden from me. Please Pray for me!
I really want to lay down and die because I know that is the only way one can actually live, yet I just have heaviness. I just have pain. I just have emptiness and loneliness. Of course, these are the thing I feel and doesn't necessarily mean I AM these things--I just feel these things; and I hate feeling this burden.
I don't know how to get rid of it really. People would say just do it--lay it down. Believe me I have tried everything. I have been on my knees in tears and brokeness before God. I have prayed in the Spirit time and time again. I have worshiped and drawn near to God and, yet there is this pain and aching inside that feels like depression, yet not depression. I know it is not depression because the feeling is in my stomach, not my heart. I know the Spirit dwells (so to speak) in the stomach region and have learned to recognize what is of the Spirit and what it of the flesh. And generally the feelings in the stomach is not always bad, but if it is in the heart/upper chest area it' not good--so I have come to understand.
I have been on my knees praying and crying out to God and the pain remains. I have written everything that I feel like I am holding on to...all my fears, anxiety, hurts and pains, and future, desires, hopes and dreams. I prayed over it and crumpled it up and beat it and then burned it! And still nothing! I even vomited today while praying and still this burden just keeps following me around.
Perhaps I am feeling just a little of what Job felt...having that same burden, yet the physical pain as well as the pain of the loss of his family and then of course his 'friends' who added to his burden and yet he still worshiped and honored God even saying.. "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him." Job 13:15
Or maybe a little part of this burden Joseph. When he was sold into slavery by his own family, falsely accused and sent to prison, and then forgotten by those whom he helped. Yes, his was a burden and I cannot say this can compare to either of them or let alone the burden Jesus carried and felt.
Still, this is so hard to carry. I want to lay it all down and have laid down and died. I just can't shake this feeling. I have asked God to just take the burden from me, yet I still walk in it and don't understand it. I have finally asked God to just take it from me. Actually, it seems like something is being birthed. Not that I have ever given birth to a baby, but I am told that it is like the final moments from when the pain is at its zenith and then the baby is born.
God has broken me and I'll I want is to be spent for Him. To abide in Him, and yet there is this cloud over me and I am questioning my very loyalty to the King who has redeemed me. I feel like there is something wrong with me and can't shake it. That there is something I am holding back, but there can't be because I just want to die cause I know that's when I will truly live. So why is this happening? Why am I feeling this way? Why has this feeling...this burden not lifted from me? What must I do to regain this peace that was once oh so sweet?
Even though I have not idea how to lay down and die properly, I will still hope in the Lord. Nothing can separate me from His love. I am His and He is mine, and I know that this too shall pass and I will await my rescue from the lord. I will await the embrace of the King for "You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes..." Song of Solomon 4:9
It is my desire to give it all--my life, my dreams, my desires all to God. I want to lay it down and have done so. I only want to be obedient to the King and my Father. How can I run for him where could I go? "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. (Psalm 139: 7-8) I cannot hide and my heart is transparent and laid bare before Him.
I thought that I would be better after writing this, but I guess there is some timing involved in God's plan here. I am wrestling and doing everything I have been taught to do and it is not helping, so I will just continue to persist in prayer and wait upon the LORD. Just because I fell this way does not mean God is not Who He says He is. No, he IS Faithful and Loyal and a Wonderful Father and a Just and Merciful King. I will still praise Him and I will still follow Him and serve others and love others even if I feel this way for a long time...perhaps the rest of my life. However, there is a still a peace that comes when I think of how this will be resolved because I know My Daddy is a good God and will not let me suffer more than I can bear!
So I will keep pressing in and pressing onward because I know that "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." (Galatians 2:20) I will overcome and will come out of this when God decides to take this burden from me. Please Pray for me!
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Oh Ye of Little Faith
So I am sitting here in Heathrow Airport because I missed my flight in the morning due to a delay and having to travel from Gatwick Airport. I’ll be honest. My heart is broken! I start my journey in England with a broken and hurting heart. Of course, I am the one to blame. No one but me.
Just when I think I have life figured out—I realize that I cannot do anything on my own—ever! Even though I try and try and strive and strive, life moves forward and I am left picking up the pieces of a heart that was not tamed. I feel a bit like Edward Scissor Hand where he was just trying to help but he was damaging the young lady with his scissor hands even though to him it was comforting someone he cared about, but he was using the wrong method.
I am the same way. Caring for someone, yet beating them over and over again when I really do care, but pride and self-centeredness gets in the way and I become a burden and an annoyance rather than someone who builds up and knows when to lay low and just chill. Letting go and giving up is not something I like doing, yet that is what God is telling me and my heart breaks and tears stream from my eyes and a sniffle envelops my nose.
How can I be such a hurtful friend? Why can’t I just be content with life how it is? Why must I push for something more when nothing is there. Am I so caught up in ME that I can’t see past my own nose? I am so waek and such a sinner. When I try to cause bliss and bring blessing, I get in the way and bring burdens and hurt and heaviness. When can I be free of this disastrous nature? I want to surrender everything to Jesus and just start life over again.
I want to go back to the days where laughter resounded and hearts were joyous and stomachs hurt from laughing so much. I miss the laughter and I miss the silliness. I have expected too much and have caused the complete opposite of everything I ever wanted.
Humble me LORD. Strip away all my pride and make me like Jesus. Forgive me for holding on to something and not letting you take it and make it such a wonderful blessing. I am humbled before you LORD and need you more than anything as my heart breaks and I recognize I am a sinner in need of a Savior. Come LORD and comfort me and hold me and love me. For to you I surrender all.
Just when I think I have life figured out—I realize that I cannot do anything on my own—ever! Even though I try and try and strive and strive, life moves forward and I am left picking up the pieces of a heart that was not tamed. I feel a bit like Edward Scissor Hand where he was just trying to help but he was damaging the young lady with his scissor hands even though to him it was comforting someone he cared about, but he was using the wrong method.
I am the same way. Caring for someone, yet beating them over and over again when I really do care, but pride and self-centeredness gets in the way and I become a burden and an annoyance rather than someone who builds up and knows when to lay low and just chill. Letting go and giving up is not something I like doing, yet that is what God is telling me and my heart breaks and tears stream from my eyes and a sniffle envelops my nose.
How can I be such a hurtful friend? Why can’t I just be content with life how it is? Why must I push for something more when nothing is there. Am I so caught up in ME that I can’t see past my own nose? I am so waek and such a sinner. When I try to cause bliss and bring blessing, I get in the way and bring burdens and hurt and heaviness. When can I be free of this disastrous nature? I want to surrender everything to Jesus and just start life over again.
I want to go back to the days where laughter resounded and hearts were joyous and stomachs hurt from laughing so much. I miss the laughter and I miss the silliness. I have expected too much and have caused the complete opposite of everything I ever wanted.
Humble me LORD. Strip away all my pride and make me like Jesus. Forgive me for holding on to something and not letting you take it and make it such a wonderful blessing. I am humbled before you LORD and need you more than anything as my heart breaks and I recognize I am a sinner in need of a Savior. Come LORD and comfort me and hold me and love me. For to you I surrender all.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Broken at Last
So tonight God broke my heart. He melted it and made is mush, and replaced it with a new one. A heart that beats with His compassion for people. Yes, I am somewhat of a control freak. I like to be in control of my life, situations with friends, situations with anyone and everything. I like to know what is going to happen next without being surprised because that certain surprise could bring pain and of course who likes pain?
Let me put it in context for you. This week God has already been talking to me about my life--my self-centeredness. Yes, I didn't really want to listen. Then through a serious of events, I had upset my friend. Without even realizing it, I had made her angry. Of course her anger was justified. On the way home...she didn't even want to speak to me...it was a bit awkward, yet we are close friends so I knew at some point we would work it out. Still, I hate that feeling of wondering if it will really get worked out or if it will come up again later and harder to deal with.
She wanted to talk and I went to her house and we talked. She straight up told me I was self-centered...and left it at that. I wasn't shocked (maybe a little), but I was more concerned with the truth. Then, we talked it out and worked things through and I left knowing I wasn't condemned, but rather valued so much. Only real friends who care about me would ever try and mention something like that directly. She was so right it hurt, but was a good hurt.
Sunday rolls around and and I noticed the whole day that I was such a self centered man. I was so disgusted with myself. Even after sharing with another friend and building him up...I still went back to myself and was agitated at worship practice and throughout worship and throughout the sermon. I saw myself and the whole self-centered thing and hated it. Everywhere I turned, it was in front of me.
At the end of service I was sitting on the drums and a motioned me to come down and told me he wanted to pray with me. As soon as he opened his mouth and said, "you know God loves you so deeply!" I broke down and began to cry and as he prayed for me the pain in my heart increased and I began to weep loudly and tears were flooding down my face and snot was coming from my nose and I was in agony. How could such a good God love something like me. I weeped and weeped and cried and cried and sobbed and sobbed. I could feel God doing surgery on my hear and removing the thing I despised. He kept telling my I was forgiven!
Then, I felt like He was birthing something in me and there was more pain. He was birthing a call and a mission. I was so broken and His presence was so strong, I couldn't even sit and had to lay prostrate on the floor and as soon as I did that, the weeping and wailing increased. I couldn't move and couldn't escape the pain, but it only lasted a moment and then God spoke again and showed me a vision and confirmed the things He had told me before awhile back and peace flooded in like a tsunami. He was talking and sharing things with me and it was so precious. Compassion for people filled my heart and and His presence was so strong I couldn't do a thing except lay there and let Him just do whatever He wanted.
My heart has been broken and I have realized that I am not my own and that I have been bought with a price. So many lost people and so many hurting and so many people who cannot speak for themselves or defend themselves. They sit in chains and in dungeons and there is no one to rescue them and I was worried about being liked or not by a 12 year old.
Tonight I was humbled and brought low and God spoke life into my bones and reminded me of my training I am under. He urged me to obey and let Him work out my concerns, but to focus on my training.
God has saved me and I am so grateful for it. He has brought the most amazing friends into my life and I do not deserve to even be called there friend, yet there they are. One of them I honor now and say thanks for speaking truth in love and helping to prepare my heart for what God had planned to do in it this evening. You are priceless and I am eternally grateful for your friendship.
Thanks be to God for breaking my heart and letting me experience Him in new way. It was profound and wanting more.
Let me put it in context for you. This week God has already been talking to me about my life--my self-centeredness. Yes, I didn't really want to listen. Then through a serious of events, I had upset my friend. Without even realizing it, I had made her angry. Of course her anger was justified. On the way home...she didn't even want to speak to me...it was a bit awkward, yet we are close friends so I knew at some point we would work it out. Still, I hate that feeling of wondering if it will really get worked out or if it will come up again later and harder to deal with.
She wanted to talk and I went to her house and we talked. She straight up told me I was self-centered...and left it at that. I wasn't shocked (maybe a little), but I was more concerned with the truth. Then, we talked it out and worked things through and I left knowing I wasn't condemned, but rather valued so much. Only real friends who care about me would ever try and mention something like that directly. She was so right it hurt, but was a good hurt.
Sunday rolls around and and I noticed the whole day that I was such a self centered man. I was so disgusted with myself. Even after sharing with another friend and building him up...I still went back to myself and was agitated at worship practice and throughout worship and throughout the sermon. I saw myself and the whole self-centered thing and hated it. Everywhere I turned, it was in front of me.
At the end of service I was sitting on the drums and a motioned me to come down and told me he wanted to pray with me. As soon as he opened his mouth and said, "you know God loves you so deeply!" I broke down and began to cry and as he prayed for me the pain in my heart increased and I began to weep loudly and tears were flooding down my face and snot was coming from my nose and I was in agony. How could such a good God love something like me. I weeped and weeped and cried and cried and sobbed and sobbed. I could feel God doing surgery on my hear and removing the thing I despised. He kept telling my I was forgiven!
Then, I felt like He was birthing something in me and there was more pain. He was birthing a call and a mission. I was so broken and His presence was so strong, I couldn't even sit and had to lay prostrate on the floor and as soon as I did that, the weeping and wailing increased. I couldn't move and couldn't escape the pain, but it only lasted a moment and then God spoke again and showed me a vision and confirmed the things He had told me before awhile back and peace flooded in like a tsunami. He was talking and sharing things with me and it was so precious. Compassion for people filled my heart and and His presence was so strong I couldn't do a thing except lay there and let Him just do whatever He wanted.
My heart has been broken and I have realized that I am not my own and that I have been bought with a price. So many lost people and so many hurting and so many people who cannot speak for themselves or defend themselves. They sit in chains and in dungeons and there is no one to rescue them and I was worried about being liked or not by a 12 year old.
Tonight I was humbled and brought low and God spoke life into my bones and reminded me of my training I am under. He urged me to obey and let Him work out my concerns, but to focus on my training.
God has saved me and I am so grateful for it. He has brought the most amazing friends into my life and I do not deserve to even be called there friend, yet there they are. One of them I honor now and say thanks for speaking truth in love and helping to prepare my heart for what God had planned to do in it this evening. You are priceless and I am eternally grateful for your friendship.
Thanks be to God for breaking my heart and letting me experience Him in new way. It was profound and wanting more.
Friday, July 06, 2007
Freedom and friends!
So it has been too long since I have updated my thoughts on life. Too long since I have sat down to express what God has been doing in my life. I am ready to share a little bit now with more bits and pieces in the future. I promise.
So I am going to first start by sharing something that most people don't dare share. It's something that hurt me deeply and set my life on a course that God never intended for me to take. Yes, this world is a scary place with people who harm one another every day and have no hope cause they do not know the Hope for which they were called to.
When I was around 5 years old I was sexually abused by my Grandfather. I only recall it ever happening once, yet one time was all that was needed for me to grow up and struggle with things and feeling and issues in my life that were not 'normal'. My whole view of normal was skewed by that act alone.
A few years later, something not as as 'bad', but similar happened with my step-grandmother. Yes, those people are bad people and hurt me deeply. All I can remember since I could remember was shame, hurt, anger, rage and a whole host of emotions. I had always assumed life was this way.
I grew up as a a pastor's kid and had loving parents and a good environment, yet life wasn't right. I had been violated and hated that feeling. I never spoke of it and tried my best to forget the little I could remember. For 20 some years I have been living with this in my life. I have been always working my hardest to make God love me or something. Pain, and pain and more pain. Hatred, anger, rage and feeling of worthlessness and shame--oh the guilt and shame I felt.
But....
Now I am as free as a bird singing songs to the King on a perfect spring day! I have overcome and have been set free by the King! The anger and rage and hatred are gone, and instead forgiveness, joy and love have replaced it. I am tasting life for the first time or so it seems. I am not saying I haven't felt some semblance of freedom throughout my life. I have always had a strong desire to follow God and have broken through on other things, yet I knew there was this glass ceiling all around and I couldn't figure out how to get free.
God has shown up and I saw this vision after I was able to forgive and lose the shame and guilt. I was standing under a waterfall naked just soaking in the life and cleanliness of the water when some angels came and began to scrub me clean. It was a wonderful sight seeing the blackness of shame turn to a pure, whiteness of innocence. They placed a robe of white on me and Jesus arrived. He was holding a mantle or sash of some sort. He placed it over me and said, "This is the Mantle of Manhood. Now you are a man. You are now able to receive love properly and give love properly." I was so excited and knew I was loved.
No longer will I have to try and strive for love or attention--God will freely give it to me whenever I ask. And he has when I have asked sine then. I no longer am worried about finding someone who will love me in spite of me--cause God has loved me already and He alone will give me a mate whom he deems right and worthy. I am not worried about that at all. I am singing and loving life on a whole other level. I never knew life could be so sweet.
You know, I had a thought about everything that was stolen from me and how the last 20 odd years have been wasted. It was only a thought cause then I remembered how God will redeem the time and the next 40 or 60 years of my life will be blessed and is blessed 100 fold. God doesn't waste anything. I know my future is secure and God is providing me more than I can ever imagine. He has already blessed me with a friend who has really challenged me by her lifestyle and character to keep chasing Him. What an amazing God. Who is this King of Glory? the LORD strong and mighty. So open up you heavenly gates and let the King of Glory in.
If you are reading this and are looking for your freedom--CHASE HIM! Never stop chasing Him--NEVER!! You will catch Him or should I say He will catch you! Thank God He is God or we would all be in pain and hurt without hope. He has set me free and now He is calling me to help others find their freedom in Christ, and I have answered that call. AMEN and AMEN!
So I am going to first start by sharing something that most people don't dare share. It's something that hurt me deeply and set my life on a course that God never intended for me to take. Yes, this world is a scary place with people who harm one another every day and have no hope cause they do not know the Hope for which they were called to.
When I was around 5 years old I was sexually abused by my Grandfather. I only recall it ever happening once, yet one time was all that was needed for me to grow up and struggle with things and feeling and issues in my life that were not 'normal'. My whole view of normal was skewed by that act alone.
A few years later, something not as as 'bad', but similar happened with my step-grandmother. Yes, those people are bad people and hurt me deeply. All I can remember since I could remember was shame, hurt, anger, rage and a whole host of emotions. I had always assumed life was this way.
I grew up as a a pastor's kid and had loving parents and a good environment, yet life wasn't right. I had been violated and hated that feeling. I never spoke of it and tried my best to forget the little I could remember. For 20 some years I have been living with this in my life. I have been always working my hardest to make God love me or something. Pain, and pain and more pain. Hatred, anger, rage and feeling of worthlessness and shame--oh the guilt and shame I felt.
But....
Now I am as free as a bird singing songs to the King on a perfect spring day! I have overcome and have been set free by the King! The anger and rage and hatred are gone, and instead forgiveness, joy and love have replaced it. I am tasting life for the first time or so it seems. I am not saying I haven't felt some semblance of freedom throughout my life. I have always had a strong desire to follow God and have broken through on other things, yet I knew there was this glass ceiling all around and I couldn't figure out how to get free.
God has shown up and I saw this vision after I was able to forgive and lose the shame and guilt. I was standing under a waterfall naked just soaking in the life and cleanliness of the water when some angels came and began to scrub me clean. It was a wonderful sight seeing the blackness of shame turn to a pure, whiteness of innocence. They placed a robe of white on me and Jesus arrived. He was holding a mantle or sash of some sort. He placed it over me and said, "This is the Mantle of Manhood. Now you are a man. You are now able to receive love properly and give love properly." I was so excited and knew I was loved.
No longer will I have to try and strive for love or attention--God will freely give it to me whenever I ask. And he has when I have asked sine then. I no longer am worried about finding someone who will love me in spite of me--cause God has loved me already and He alone will give me a mate whom he deems right and worthy. I am not worried about that at all. I am singing and loving life on a whole other level. I never knew life could be so sweet.
You know, I had a thought about everything that was stolen from me and how the last 20 odd years have been wasted. It was only a thought cause then I remembered how God will redeem the time and the next 40 or 60 years of my life will be blessed and is blessed 100 fold. God doesn't waste anything. I know my future is secure and God is providing me more than I can ever imagine. He has already blessed me with a friend who has really challenged me by her lifestyle and character to keep chasing Him. What an amazing God. Who is this King of Glory? the LORD strong and mighty. So open up you heavenly gates and let the King of Glory in.
If you are reading this and are looking for your freedom--CHASE HIM! Never stop chasing Him--NEVER!! You will catch Him or should I say He will catch you! Thank God He is God or we would all be in pain and hurt without hope. He has set me free and now He is calling me to help others find their freedom in Christ, and I have answered that call. AMEN and AMEN!
Monday, April 16, 2007
Finally Back and Stonger Than Ever!
So I have been gone for awhile--had to get away and smell life once again. See, I have been hurt by people and friends and I still love them. I just needed time to digest and heal from wounds. If there is anything I have learned in life, it that people will always let me down. People will never be perfect and will fail. It's the nature of life. Sometimes we don't know when we will be hurt, it comes unexpectedly, yet God knows it is happening. God knows and allows it. It is my responsibility to respond correctly to such pain and hurt.
I know it hasn't been easy, but what is life--a beach with white sand and perfect temperatures where paradise is non-stop? Not even close. Life is work...life is pain...life is joyful...full of sorrow, and sometimes regret...full of adventure and exhilarating and life-changing experiences that are followed by dismal dismay and utter pain. Life is full of good and bad surprises. My mom told me that life is really 10% circumstantial--things that happen to me. And the other 90% of life is how we respond to the 10%.
I am convinced that God is more interested in how we respond to Him, people who annoy us, people who we dislike, and the rest of things we could not plan for. The journey is always more important than the final result. Though the destination is what we are moving towards, I believe God considers that nothing compared to us experiencing the journey of living life day to day. God is amazing and His love has captivated my heart. I have been beaten down and hurt by friends, but it has not destroyed me. I have been hurt, but the pain is gone. I have been tossed aside and kicked while down on the ground lying powerless, yet God has never once dropped me or once let go of His grip on me. God has not gone anywhere and neither Have I. I have just needed time to let God heal me up and trust that His love conquers anything.
I have strengthened my feeble knees and have been running a long race. I have gathered good people around me to help encourage me on the long journey ahead. God has never let me down. God has never left me. God has never caused me any pain. He has been my Healer, my Restorer, my Life, my Lover, and my Father. There is no task too great or too hard for me to go through as long as He is with me.
My mom also told me the story of the wolves. There are two wolves inside each one of us. A good wolf and a bad wolf. Each wolf is fighting for out soul. "Do you know which one is going to win", I asked. She said, "The one you feed the most!" I was astounded and perplexed. I had always assumed growing up that good wolf would always win, but it is not so. If I am feeding the the food he desires, then he will grow strong and vice-versa with the bad wolf. However, the food that I feed each wolf is completely opposite. Only only one wolf will win. I am making the best effort to feed the good wolf and starve the bad wolf.
Another thing I learned that has had a profound impact on my life was learned this past week. I had a new friend I have just met in England who shared with myself and others about faith. It goes something like this: It is not about how little or how much faith we have...it is the object in which we place that faith. E.G. If there is a lake that is frozen over with only a thin layer of ice, it doesn't matter what the amount of faith is that I have put in that ice--I will fall through the ice if I set foot on it. I could have the biggest faith in the world, yet it would be to no avail if the object of my faith is fallible. However, if there is a lake that has been frozen over with a few feet of ice and is definitely sturdy--even a mustard seed of faith is all that is needed to walk upon that ice. It is not the huge amount of faith or small amount of faith that makes the difference, it is the OBJECT of our faith that matters the most.It is where we place our faith that makes the difference now how much faith we have. This statement has been digesting inside me ever since I heard it. Becky Fong, who shared this, truly has an understanding of God I would love to know. Thank God she shared this. I am forever changed.
I will never stop chasing Him. I will spend myself for the lost and for those who need to be built up in Christ. My life will be lived for and spent for the Lamb's reward.
I know it hasn't been easy, but what is life--a beach with white sand and perfect temperatures where paradise is non-stop? Not even close. Life is work...life is pain...life is joyful...full of sorrow, and sometimes regret...full of adventure and exhilarating and life-changing experiences that are followed by dismal dismay and utter pain. Life is full of good and bad surprises. My mom told me that life is really 10% circumstantial--things that happen to me. And the other 90% of life is how we respond to the 10%.
I am convinced that God is more interested in how we respond to Him, people who annoy us, people who we dislike, and the rest of things we could not plan for. The journey is always more important than the final result. Though the destination is what we are moving towards, I believe God considers that nothing compared to us experiencing the journey of living life day to day. God is amazing and His love has captivated my heart. I have been beaten down and hurt by friends, but it has not destroyed me. I have been hurt, but the pain is gone. I have been tossed aside and kicked while down on the ground lying powerless, yet God has never once dropped me or once let go of His grip on me. God has not gone anywhere and neither Have I. I have just needed time to let God heal me up and trust that His love conquers anything.
I have strengthened my feeble knees and have been running a long race. I have gathered good people around me to help encourage me on the long journey ahead. God has never let me down. God has never left me. God has never caused me any pain. He has been my Healer, my Restorer, my Life, my Lover, and my Father. There is no task too great or too hard for me to go through as long as He is with me.
My mom also told me the story of the wolves. There are two wolves inside each one of us. A good wolf and a bad wolf. Each wolf is fighting for out soul. "Do you know which one is going to win", I asked. She said, "The one you feed the most!" I was astounded and perplexed. I had always assumed growing up that good wolf would always win, but it is not so. If I am feeding the the food he desires, then he will grow strong and vice-versa with the bad wolf. However, the food that I feed each wolf is completely opposite. Only only one wolf will win. I am making the best effort to feed the good wolf and starve the bad wolf.
Another thing I learned that has had a profound impact on my life was learned this past week. I had a new friend I have just met in England who shared with myself and others about faith. It goes something like this: It is not about how little or how much faith we have...it is the object in which we place that faith. E.G. If there is a lake that is frozen over with only a thin layer of ice, it doesn't matter what the amount of faith is that I have put in that ice--I will fall through the ice if I set foot on it. I could have the biggest faith in the world, yet it would be to no avail if the object of my faith is fallible. However, if there is a lake that has been frozen over with a few feet of ice and is definitely sturdy--even a mustard seed of faith is all that is needed to walk upon that ice. It is not the huge amount of faith or small amount of faith that makes the difference, it is the OBJECT of our faith that matters the most.It is where we place our faith that makes the difference now how much faith we have. This statement has been digesting inside me ever since I heard it. Becky Fong, who shared this, truly has an understanding of God I would love to know. Thank God she shared this. I am forever changed.
I will never stop chasing Him. I will spend myself for the lost and for those who need to be built up in Christ. My life will be lived for and spent for the Lamb's reward.
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