So I am sitting here in Heathrow Airport because I missed my flight in the morning due to a delay and having to travel from Gatwick Airport. I’ll be honest. My heart is broken! I start my journey in England with a broken and hurting heart. Of course, I am the one to blame. No one but me.
Just when I think I have life figured out—I realize that I cannot do anything on my own—ever! Even though I try and try and strive and strive, life moves forward and I am left picking up the pieces of a heart that was not tamed. I feel a bit like Edward Scissor Hand where he was just trying to help but he was damaging the young lady with his scissor hands even though to him it was comforting someone he cared about, but he was using the wrong method.
I am the same way. Caring for someone, yet beating them over and over again when I really do care, but pride and self-centeredness gets in the way and I become a burden and an annoyance rather than someone who builds up and knows when to lay low and just chill. Letting go and giving up is not something I like doing, yet that is what God is telling me and my heart breaks and tears stream from my eyes and a sniffle envelops my nose.
How can I be such a hurtful friend? Why can’t I just be content with life how it is? Why must I push for something more when nothing is there. Am I so caught up in ME that I can’t see past my own nose? I am so waek and such a sinner. When I try to cause bliss and bring blessing, I get in the way and bring burdens and hurt and heaviness. When can I be free of this disastrous nature? I want to surrender everything to Jesus and just start life over again.
I want to go back to the days where laughter resounded and hearts were joyous and stomachs hurt from laughing so much. I miss the laughter and I miss the silliness. I have expected too much and have caused the complete opposite of everything I ever wanted.
Humble me LORD. Strip away all my pride and make me like Jesus. Forgive me for holding on to something and not letting you take it and make it such a wonderful blessing. I am humbled before you LORD and need you more than anything as my heart breaks and I recognize I am a sinner in need of a Savior. Come LORD and comfort me and hold me and love me. For to you I surrender all.
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