A Poem from the Heart

He said, "Lay down and die."
So I bit my lip, let out a cry.
"Why oh why? Why must I die?"
Tears dripping down my face not dry.

So I laid down upon that place.
Betting all I have upon grace,
And then I waited and waited more
And a burden then struck me to the core.

I laid down upon that rock
And patiently checked the clock.
I wanted desperately to arise,
Yet laid there awaiting the prize.

And still I lay and wait for death.
Wondering when it will be my last breath.
You said You wanted for me to die,
Yet why won't You come and let me die?

I am not distressed at what You say.
Will Your promises come true today?
Why must I wait and wait and wait
For a harvest I know that is not late?

Why must my heart continue to break?
How much more of this can I take?
When will you come and kill me so?
When will this burden be let go?

I know it is soon and I know I can wait,
But please be timely and don't be late.
My heart has had its fill of this pain,
So please be gentle so I don't go insane.

I know You speak and I have heard
Many wonderful things; Your Word.
But I now am doubting if its true.
I am just being honest with You.

I am on that rock in that place
Still searching for a glimpse of Your face.
Still waiting upon your Word;
The Word which you promised and I heard.

I have died. I have died. I have died,
Yet I live and I live and I have cried
Too many tears and fasted too many meals,
And all I want is to just be healed.

Not just that, but there is a lot more.
And you know my heart; my face upon floor
Can You just do what You promised?
Can You just please do what You promised?

I am hurting laying and waiting.
It is painful to just wait waiting.
But I will still look to You
For there is nothing I can do.

I can only lay here on this rock.
Knowing one day I will see the clock
And You will say, "Arise now and live."
And I will stand with a heart healed to live.

So I will wait and wait and wait
For as long as this will take.
My heart is Yours; my life is Yours
My soul is Yours; my all is Yours.

I will cry more tears
Releasing my fears.
I will fast more meals
And chase You for reals.

I am Yours so have Your way.
There is nothing You cannot say.
I am ready now oh so ready now.
Do what You will; do what You will.

Stand Up and Fight!

Tick-tock-Tick-tock--the clock keeps ticking and time continues to find its path forward. There is no living unless it is called TODAY. Time has not stopped and neither should I! Time waits for no man, yet millions have wasted their lives by stopping when time did not. Millions have stayed put and not moved forward because at a point in time, they became hurt and feared feeling that pain again and stayed in their place of "comfort" for just a little longer and then just a little more longer and then a month became a few months, then a few months became a year and a year became a few years and a few years became ten years and ten years became twenty and so on.

I have experienced so much pain in my life, I never knew if I could know what real joy and real peace and real happiness really is. There are times when I think this is the life, but it's not even close to that. Life has passed by a few times and I have been stuck in a position of pain more than once. I so hate that I know there are wasted years in my life due to me not being able move forward. And what's more than that...I didn't know how to move forward. It really hurts when all one wants is to keep moving, but can't due to lack of knowledge and wisdom.

Right now there is an intense amount of pressure and responsibility on me. I feel it and when I begin to think about it, I just feel like hiding some place where no one can find me and sometimes just feel like committing crimes or something in order to not feel the pressure. Let me clarify that this was me before. As in, before I recognized my life as a son of God.

Today, I had a revelation! The enemy has been defeated! Death couldn't hold You down! I'm gonna life my voice in victory. Gonna make Your praises loud! SHOUT OUT TO GOD WITH A VOICE OF TRIUMPH!!!! SHOUT OUT TO GOD WITH A VOICE OF PRAISE!!!! I lift your Name up! I realized that for those years that I felt were wasted was because I had the wrong mindset. I was not proactive in securing my freedom--even when I did not know what to do. Even if I didn't know what to do, I could have just kept fighting and fighting even though I knew I was getting beat up. However, I decided to just get knocked out so as to not even feel anything or fight. Plus, it was a good excuse--who is gonna pressure a man to keep moving and fighting after he has been knocked out? No many even godly men would do that.

Today I realized that I have to fight even if my big butt is taking a beating! Even if I am near death and cannot let up--I cannot give up and just let the enemy walk all over me and my friends and the ministry He has entrusted me with along with all the leaders and people who are involved in that ministry. Fight and beat back the enemy because the enemy HAS BEEN defeated and VICTORY has already occurred--I am just walking out the process of what has already happened.

I know this sounds like a bit much, but I believe every word of it. There is no way I can sit down and get knocked out again and waste more years. I am not a boy anymore. I am a MAN! A MAN I SAY! I am not some little boy who can't tie his shoes, but I am a man who has been entrusted with people whose very life seems to depend on my actions.

I have prayed and have asked God to steady my heart...to steady my mind...and to steady my whole being. There is nothing worse than a man with whom you cannot feel secure with because he is all over the place. God has given me authority, power, and covering and I will use wisdom and discretion to lead.

Feelings can come and feelings go, but God remains the same forever. I feel so much pressure and may continue to feel that pressure, but that doesn't mean the WORD is not true. It just means life will be hard, but joy can be found in obedience. I have laid everything down at the foot of the cross. I have given up all my dreams and hopes and desires. And I now stand and defend those whom God has entrusted me with.

It is scary, but the reward, though might not be on earth, is so worth spending myself for. I gladly suffer crazy "feelings" in order that others may be free and know Jesus and know Life and how to live it to the fullest. I have decided that I will not seek my own desires, but the wellbeing of others. I want to spend my life for the freedom of others even if it means me suffering a bit so that they can see their freedom.

I have lived too long with ME in front. I now want to only be lead by Jesus and if others follow...then so be it, but only as long as they follow to see Jesus!

If you read this and are stuggling--just stand up and fight! If you don't know the way or how to fight--ask God for wisdom and He WILL give it to you. Let me help too if you want. I will stand in the gap in prayer and will go and intercede on your behalf.

KEEP FIGHTING! KEEP CHASING! NEVER STOP AND GIVE UP!

When this happens--I will have the pleasure of spending eternity with you! So wonderful!