I don''t feel anything but pain anymore. Can't seem to find anything good in life. Just want to live and enjoy life, but that is so impossible. What is there I can do? NOTHING! NOTHING! NOTHING! People depend on me for certain things--Sunday School, Work, Drums, etc. Yet, I still fulfill my duties because I know I am not the only person in the world, but sometimes 'feel' like it. I enjoy teaching and some worship from the kit, but when it is all done with I revert back to this aching in my heart; this pain that just won't go away.
I noticed that I don't even care anymore if people are rude to me on the train or bus. I just let it all slide by and think that maybe they don't know what they are doing and I can't be bothered to do anything. Of course I am reminded that I can't do anything anyway...my mom once told me that I shouldn't say anything anyway. After all she said I am her son and don't always listen to her, so why should I waste the time trying to 'change' someone I don't even know when she can't even change me who is here son. Good point mom.
Even so, I lack any strength to even try to change anyone. Let them live their lives and face the consequences of their own actions. Who am I to even help anyone? Who am I that I should be a leader? Who am I that anyone would choose to love me? I am nothing. Nothing. I have nothing to give; nothing to share; nothing to equip anyone for any good work. YET, I cannot escape from Him. I cannot escape from God. No matter where I go or what I do, there is nothing I can do. I cannot even walk. I cannot even lift my own head up. Worst of all, I cannot even pretend to meet with God anymore.
I so wish I could see the end, but this valley is dark and long and cold. I shiver in trepidation of walking forward, but I cannot stop walking or I will be swallowed alive by this darkness and freeze to death on this lonely road. I know I am not even the one walking forward. I am being carried. I am slumped over in a deadened stupor. My body is limp; my eyes are rolling back into my head; my pulse is weakening and life is escaping.
Some have told me that this is good, but for the very little life left in my, I cannot even see how that 'good' is happening. I know God is good, but my faith in that is so not moved to believe it. I wish I could be a "Joseph" and just work through anything and come out on top and even be posted to second in command of all of Egypt. Seriously, this man must have felt the same thing I feel. He had to have at some point thought of giving up. Perhaps "Job" I could emulate. A man who said "Though He slay me, yet I will worship." I just want Him to slay me SO I can finally worship properly--in spirit and in truth. Hosea comes to mind as well. I am pretty sure he was expecting a wonderful wife from God who was godly and righteous, but instead God told him to marry a whore. Not just any whore, but one who would abandon Hosea and continue in her profession whilst being marries. Not only that, but God told Hosea many times to go an find her and bring her back. Seriously, that is so not right! Gomer even gave birth to bastard children due to her flings with men who were scum, yet Hosea still called those children son and daughter. He must have known my pain or at least I can somewhat understand his pain and anguish, yet God was still good to him and in the end restored this marriage and love with the chosen whore.
I admit that I am hopelessly saved. I do not enjoy anything that the world has to offer, yet find it hard to just draw near to God. All my flesh wants to do is get drunk and sin and enjoy all of that, but I cannot do that. I wish it were so simple for me like that, but I cannot do it. My heart is too moral and too holy to get drunk and commit crimes and what not. I am so HOPELESSLY SAVED. I can't even get drunk like the rest of the world cause I know I won't enjoy it. I can't go to Wan Chai or Lan Kwai Fong cause I don't enjoy that stuff.
I guess I can only let the pain resonate in my life and hope and pray that I am somehow saved from my very despair. Ending my life won't work because I have tasted real Life--Jesus and only want Him, but can't seem to find Him at the moment. It's funny how when life is not there the thought of ending life will come into the mind. Of course that thought occurs and I then I think...whatever dude...life will come again; spring always follows winter and the colder the winter, the more beautiful spring will be.
See, life has to come to an end. The leaves fall off trees and birds fly south during the winter. And the most harsh winter will reveal a spring full of blossoms and life. Death brings new life. It's part of God's creation. We see this in the seasons He has determined to be in Creation. We often refer to it the "cycle of life."
I am in that winter now. I am in that place of death and darkness. I don't know when it will end because I know coming from Colorado the winters can sometimes last until even May...AND some Ski Resorts are open until July depending upon how harsh the winter is.
Even though I so wish for this winter to end and life to come, I refuse to ask God to end it. I want this to be the worst and harshest winter I have even known. I want this death to be permanent. I don't want to limp away from this place or live life as a paraplegic. I want that death; complete with none of me left. I want to be that man crucified with Christ. I want this winter to be harsh and hard so that when spring comes LIFE will come and with it LIFE that others may see and know and understand.
I have struggled with myself on whether I am really selfish or not. I have felt that I am, but now I realize that many others would have just given up on this place long ago. Others would have tried to escape and walk away, and may have their war wounds and that's ok, but would they come to know the true sufferings of Christ--the true "passion" of Christ? Maybe...I don't know. All I know is that even though I am broken and wreathing in pain and wish I could escape, I also don't want to escape until the final injection comes that finally kills me.
Until then, I will lie there in that coffin; I will let Him carry me in the wilderness through the valley. I will not give up until the last breath of my life brings death for I know after death comes resurrection. I will walk through the harshest winter until my legs give out or the ice and snow overtake me. I care not what others think of me right now. I care not if I SHOULD be doing this or that. The fact of the matter is that I cannot do what others expect and require of me. I cannot do this and choose to just let them say what they want and do what they want--good or bad it matters not. I know the place I am in, and I will not escape, but like Christ will walk through it to the end. Even Christ pleaded with His Father to take the 'cup' from Him, but not His will, but that of His Father.
I wish I could just DO something to make it all better, but my life has been full of talk and actions that has not benefited anyone. It has been like a man beating the wind and finding nothing to fight, yet trying to pick a fight with nothing to fight with.
I am naked. I am exposed and yet I do not care. I don't care what others may say or think or advice they may think I should hear and do. I will just let Him carry me and kill me and then revive me so that one day I will only live my life through Him. Yes, it sounds crazy, but then again I have become indifferent to what others think. This is my life and only I will face the consequences of my actions. Only I will be judged by my actions, not them. Only I will have to face the Father. I know one day I will flourish, but for now let me just be and let me just die. Don't try to save me because you will only set me back more. Let me die so you and I may both live.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Friday, April 04, 2008
Less Talk; More Action
So life has been hard lately. Feels like I have been in a coffin and struggling against dying. You know, I have heard from many people throughout my life that laying down and dying is the best thing anyone can do. However, no one told me how difficult it would be or how much pain I would come to know. Many nights of sleeplessness; anxiety; throwing up from crying; throwing up from nothing; feeling like I am being tortured and interrogated and yet trying to just make sense of what life really means.
Well, i learned something this last week. My bestest friend's cat fell from her third story window and was injured greatly. I received a call from her at 6:30AM. She was sobbing and groaning and I knew something traumatic had just occurred. I couldn't make sense of anything she was trying to tell me. Then the Vet Doc got on the phone and told me how Shamar (the cat) had broken her front, right paw and was having trouble breathing and had a possible broken back. Phoenix asked me to come and say goodbye as I had encouraged her to put Shamar to sleep.
It took me about an hour to get there. When I entered to room I saw Shamar looking intently into Phoenix's eyes and Phoenix's bloody hands gently stroking her. Phoenix immediately broke in to tears and I knew there would be no comforting her. I said my goodbye to Shamar and the the Vet Doc came in and asked Phoenix to sign a waver to put Shamar down and she hesitated for a few minutes and finally signed and cried and weeped.
The Doc shaved Shamar's left paw around the ankle to find the vein so he could make his injection. Then he injected the stuff and within a second Shamar was gone. Then, Phoenix scooped her dead baby up into her arms and wept and wept and wept so loud and so long. I cried and cried and we both stood there in the room as this cat had now died. She was not even 6 months old. There was nothing that could be done to save her; there was nothing except death waiting in the wings for the approval to come and snatch Shamar from life.
This still pains me today. Dreams come at night as I am there trying to save this wonderful cat. I cannot, and I fail every time I dream it. It has shook me to the core. Cats just don't fall off the building like that. I know God has allowed this to happen for certain reasons and has been teaching me loads.
See, Shamar's name is Hebrew for 'watchman'. There is something symbolic here that I would like to try to explain. See, I am a watchman for our children's Sunday school--Kidz 4 Christ. I am meant to take up prayer and intercession and look after this group and cover them so that they are all protected. I take this role very seriously.
However, after the events that happened with Phoenix a month or so earlier had left me damaged and dying. God had exposed some faulty foundations in my life and had shaken my life down to the core to let me see what my life was at its rawness. This has been the most painful thing of my life up to this point. Who wants to see all that raw ugliness inside themselves? Who wants to truly let God's light shine on into those secret, secret places? I did not want to initially, but then I remembered always praying God would keep me humble and there is no doubt I have remained humble in all this or should I say humiliated as well.
I have been on a 'deathbed' for awhile now and just like Shamar, I have been struggling to live, but there is no chance that I can continue to live. I need to be injected and killed. So that is what I am doing...waiting to fully die because death means resurrection and that is the ultimate goal after all is said and done.
All this may sound nice and dandy, but there is something missing--action. I can talk a good talk, but when it becomes crunch time, where am I then? See, I am a man. I am a good man. I have vision from God and have heard His voice clearly. However, I have been inactive for a little while. I have not been moving forward all fast and furiously like. I have been moving like a snail. That is not too, too bad either; at least there is some movement.
For now I will speak less, and act more. I need to get some true stability in my life. Income, career, ministry, vision etc. I have talked about these things and now is the time for movement and action. I have an idea of where God is moving me towards and I will just finally take that step of faith and move. This is big for me. I have played life to carefree like and never wanted to take up the full responsibility of being a man. Now, it's either move or just be another statistic.
I am dying and am still waiting for my injection to death so that I may be resurrected and truly a man. However, I have now taken life more seriously and am talking up all of this responsibility and will work towards making my career and future secure and stable. It may take a bit of time, but I am not worried for God is with me. I am already in His hands. I have already willingly laid my life down for Him and am waiting for His final injection and my subsequent resurrection which will not only bring me life, but life to others as well.
I will stop in a minute with my long note. For actions always speak louder than words and my words will only fall on deaf ears and blind eyes if there is no action. So if you happen to see me around and notice I am strangely quiet or more serious don't be worried for I will still have my playful moments and my fun times, but right now I need to make sure that even though the times of fun and play are there, I will also have the times of seriousness which actually occur more than I show. Right now I have prioritized my life and attitude to take action. Don't worry if you see me silent or serious, but know that this is necessary to take action.
I am not saying I am becoming dull or boring. No, I am a man already and I will stop pretending to be a boy to win others' approval. For far too long I have tried to measure up to what I though Phoenix wanted and cut myself down to be what I thought she wanted me to be. Now I will just be me--someone who is very serious and carefree and fun, yet mature whose direction is certain and there will be less talk; more action. Perhaps then Phoenix will see the real me and not the Chris who has been trying to impress her. She is my friend and that's all. I will definitely be the best friend I can be for her and everyone I know.
LESS TALK; MORE ACTION
Well, i learned something this last week. My bestest friend's cat fell from her third story window and was injured greatly. I received a call from her at 6:30AM. She was sobbing and groaning and I knew something traumatic had just occurred. I couldn't make sense of anything she was trying to tell me. Then the Vet Doc got on the phone and told me how Shamar (the cat) had broken her front, right paw and was having trouble breathing and had a possible broken back. Phoenix asked me to come and say goodbye as I had encouraged her to put Shamar to sleep.
It took me about an hour to get there. When I entered to room I saw Shamar looking intently into Phoenix's eyes and Phoenix's bloody hands gently stroking her. Phoenix immediately broke in to tears and I knew there would be no comforting her. I said my goodbye to Shamar and the the Vet Doc came in and asked Phoenix to sign a waver to put Shamar down and she hesitated for a few minutes and finally signed and cried and weeped.
The Doc shaved Shamar's left paw around the ankle to find the vein so he could make his injection. Then he injected the stuff and within a second Shamar was gone. Then, Phoenix scooped her dead baby up into her arms and wept and wept and wept so loud and so long. I cried and cried and we both stood there in the room as this cat had now died. She was not even 6 months old. There was nothing that could be done to save her; there was nothing except death waiting in the wings for the approval to come and snatch Shamar from life.
This still pains me today. Dreams come at night as I am there trying to save this wonderful cat. I cannot, and I fail every time I dream it. It has shook me to the core. Cats just don't fall off the building like that. I know God has allowed this to happen for certain reasons and has been teaching me loads.
See, Shamar's name is Hebrew for 'watchman'. There is something symbolic here that I would like to try to explain. See, I am a watchman for our children's Sunday school--Kidz 4 Christ. I am meant to take up prayer and intercession and look after this group and cover them so that they are all protected. I take this role very seriously.
However, after the events that happened with Phoenix a month or so earlier had left me damaged and dying. God had exposed some faulty foundations in my life and had shaken my life down to the core to let me see what my life was at its rawness. This has been the most painful thing of my life up to this point. Who wants to see all that raw ugliness inside themselves? Who wants to truly let God's light shine on into those secret, secret places? I did not want to initially, but then I remembered always praying God would keep me humble and there is no doubt I have remained humble in all this or should I say humiliated as well.
I have been on a 'deathbed' for awhile now and just like Shamar, I have been struggling to live, but there is no chance that I can continue to live. I need to be injected and killed. So that is what I am doing...waiting to fully die because death means resurrection and that is the ultimate goal after all is said and done.
All this may sound nice and dandy, but there is something missing--action. I can talk a good talk, but when it becomes crunch time, where am I then? See, I am a man. I am a good man. I have vision from God and have heard His voice clearly. However, I have been inactive for a little while. I have not been moving forward all fast and furiously like. I have been moving like a snail. That is not too, too bad either; at least there is some movement.
For now I will speak less, and act more. I need to get some true stability in my life. Income, career, ministry, vision etc. I have talked about these things and now is the time for movement and action. I have an idea of where God is moving me towards and I will just finally take that step of faith and move. This is big for me. I have played life to carefree like and never wanted to take up the full responsibility of being a man. Now, it's either move or just be another statistic.
I am dying and am still waiting for my injection to death so that I may be resurrected and truly a man. However, I have now taken life more seriously and am talking up all of this responsibility and will work towards making my career and future secure and stable. It may take a bit of time, but I am not worried for God is with me. I am already in His hands. I have already willingly laid my life down for Him and am waiting for His final injection and my subsequent resurrection which will not only bring me life, but life to others as well.
I will stop in a minute with my long note. For actions always speak louder than words and my words will only fall on deaf ears and blind eyes if there is no action. So if you happen to see me around and notice I am strangely quiet or more serious don't be worried for I will still have my playful moments and my fun times, but right now I need to make sure that even though the times of fun and play are there, I will also have the times of seriousness which actually occur more than I show. Right now I have prioritized my life and attitude to take action. Don't worry if you see me silent or serious, but know that this is necessary to take action.
I am not saying I am becoming dull or boring. No, I am a man already and I will stop pretending to be a boy to win others' approval. For far too long I have tried to measure up to what I though Phoenix wanted and cut myself down to be what I thought she wanted me to be. Now I will just be me--someone who is very serious and carefree and fun, yet mature whose direction is certain and there will be less talk; more action. Perhaps then Phoenix will see the real me and not the Chris who has been trying to impress her. She is my friend and that's all. I will definitely be the best friend I can be for her and everyone I know.
LESS TALK; MORE ACTION
Friday, February 15, 2008
Heartbroken! Now what?
I am broken. I am hurting. I am blah!
What happened? Everything was going on so nicely. Everything was good--then God asked me to stand up and be a man. Yes, that's when it all started. I have been in an amazing friendship with a young lady and it has been wonderful. We hung out lots and ate together and watched movies together and had developed a deep, caring relationship for one another. We basically had a dating relationship without the label or anything like that. It was up and down, but overall was good.
I decided to either set some boundaries (guidelines) in friendship or date. Well, we decided to fast and pray for a week and then meet again and talk with our pastor and elder. When the time came she said 'yes' but with tears and wasn't really excited or happy about it. So we decided that I would just wait for her to work through some things and then perhaps later she would be ok maybe to date as she does like me. Well, I was on my way doing my thing and then at the end of that week she tells me she wants to date me and is happy and excited to do so. I let it sit for a week and then was shocked that at our next meeting she said she wasn't ready to date. It was heartbreaking.
I have prayed and fasted many a time on this. I don't just get into relationships with anyone. I really like her and am happy with our friendship, but seriously I wanted to go up another level, but that can't happen and I don't know when that will happen if it will happen.
The good thing that came out of this was word God gave to a man for me who had no idea what was happening in our relationship. He said that right now was not the time to be seeking a life partner. The timing was not right. That joy should be there when getting into a dating relationship. Now, even before we started to fast this was the word. It was a bit haunting, but I figured it was right, but how much time. It wasn't a word that said that this girl was not the girl to date, but it was one that said the timing wasn't right.
Well, in the end I must admit that God is right on this matter and that word supersedes any words that God has spoken to me in the past. However I am struggling with how to proceed. Do I just lay it all down and move on with life without hope of ever getting together with this girl or should I just move on with all of this in the back of my head and hold out some hope knowing that she does like me, but just isn't in a position to date right now, but could be later on in maybe 6 months or earlier or I dunno. Just trying to figure out what to do...to move on or just wait a bit longer. I really do love this girl and know if she works through some things in her life she would be so amazing and unstoppable and I don't want to miss that.
But right now I am hurting so bad. A hope differed makes the heart sick. And my heart is sick. I covered this in prayer. I fasted and prayed and only did my best to walk in this rightly and yet in the end I am hurt and have cried so many tears and so hard that I have thrown up. My joy is gone--my smile fails to appear and I am lost and depleted of all my energy. I want to be loved and appreciated and desired and still at this stage in my life.
I guess I am still not ready for a relationship at this stage in life, but do know that later down the road this girl is first choice. After all, we are the best of friends. We are great together, and maybe I pressed this issue too much and lost.
Why must I feel so painful? Why is this so hard for me to accept? Why can't I just move on? I really believe that she is the ONE, but I must put all of that aside and just be the best friend I can be to her. Anything less of more at this point would not be good.
So I endure the pain and try my best to keep walking, but I can't walk and need Jesus to carry me. My strength is gone and my heart torn. It's kinda funny that she once told me that she thought she would lose her smile by sucking it up and dating me even though she wasn't ready, and now my smile has been lost and no joy remains inside. Who would have thought laying one's life down for a friend would hurt so much. I guess I thought it would be like a bullet in the head and then it would be over, but now I realize that it is more like torture.
The other thing I am struggling with is moving past all this and hoping one day it will come back or should I just really get on with life and not give it a second thought and just bless her as a sister in Christ? You know, it's kinda both really...I do need to keep moving forward, but still don't want to miss out on all the good that will come from all of this. I really don't want to see her keep growing and end up with some other dude who gets blessed beyond measure for something that I have put my heart into, but I guess free-will can just be downright nasty, but in the end it is better for her to choose me rather than feel like she is being pushed into something.
I really need prayer right now, and should just meet with God, but even that is so hard. Kinda keep wishing the phone would ring and she would be there on the other side even if it's for nothing other than asking me an English question or something about Sunday School, but it doesn't and that's ok.
How can I keep moving on. I suppose God has shown me how much I really was wrapped up in her as opposed to Christ. Perhaps I am not as strong and not as mature as I thought I was. Maybe I thought I was more of a man than I thought. Who knows? All I know is that it hurts and hurts and hurts and I can't have her know that for some reason. I can't have her worry about me. I can't let her feel she has done something wrong when she has done nothing wrong.
Time will heal the hurt, but will time prove God's word to me? I guess only time will tell and I really hate waiting for time.
What happened? Everything was going on so nicely. Everything was good--then God asked me to stand up and be a man. Yes, that's when it all started. I have been in an amazing friendship with a young lady and it has been wonderful. We hung out lots and ate together and watched movies together and had developed a deep, caring relationship for one another. We basically had a dating relationship without the label or anything like that. It was up and down, but overall was good.
I decided to either set some boundaries (guidelines) in friendship or date. Well, we decided to fast and pray for a week and then meet again and talk with our pastor and elder. When the time came she said 'yes' but with tears and wasn't really excited or happy about it. So we decided that I would just wait for her to work through some things and then perhaps later she would be ok maybe to date as she does like me. Well, I was on my way doing my thing and then at the end of that week she tells me she wants to date me and is happy and excited to do so. I let it sit for a week and then was shocked that at our next meeting she said she wasn't ready to date. It was heartbreaking.
I have prayed and fasted many a time on this. I don't just get into relationships with anyone. I really like her and am happy with our friendship, but seriously I wanted to go up another level, but that can't happen and I don't know when that will happen if it will happen.
The good thing that came out of this was word God gave to a man for me who had no idea what was happening in our relationship. He said that right now was not the time to be seeking a life partner. The timing was not right. That joy should be there when getting into a dating relationship. Now, even before we started to fast this was the word. It was a bit haunting, but I figured it was right, but how much time. It wasn't a word that said that this girl was not the girl to date, but it was one that said the timing wasn't right.
Well, in the end I must admit that God is right on this matter and that word supersedes any words that God has spoken to me in the past. However I am struggling with how to proceed. Do I just lay it all down and move on with life without hope of ever getting together with this girl or should I just move on with all of this in the back of my head and hold out some hope knowing that she does like me, but just isn't in a position to date right now, but could be later on in maybe 6 months or earlier or I dunno. Just trying to figure out what to do...to move on or just wait a bit longer. I really do love this girl and know if she works through some things in her life she would be so amazing and unstoppable and I don't want to miss that.
But right now I am hurting so bad. A hope differed makes the heart sick. And my heart is sick. I covered this in prayer. I fasted and prayed and only did my best to walk in this rightly and yet in the end I am hurt and have cried so many tears and so hard that I have thrown up. My joy is gone--my smile fails to appear and I am lost and depleted of all my energy. I want to be loved and appreciated and desired and still at this stage in my life.
I guess I am still not ready for a relationship at this stage in life, but do know that later down the road this girl is first choice. After all, we are the best of friends. We are great together, and maybe I pressed this issue too much and lost.
Why must I feel so painful? Why is this so hard for me to accept? Why can't I just move on? I really believe that she is the ONE, but I must put all of that aside and just be the best friend I can be to her. Anything less of more at this point would not be good.
So I endure the pain and try my best to keep walking, but I can't walk and need Jesus to carry me. My strength is gone and my heart torn. It's kinda funny that she once told me that she thought she would lose her smile by sucking it up and dating me even though she wasn't ready, and now my smile has been lost and no joy remains inside. Who would have thought laying one's life down for a friend would hurt so much. I guess I thought it would be like a bullet in the head and then it would be over, but now I realize that it is more like torture.
The other thing I am struggling with is moving past all this and hoping one day it will come back or should I just really get on with life and not give it a second thought and just bless her as a sister in Christ? You know, it's kinda both really...I do need to keep moving forward, but still don't want to miss out on all the good that will come from all of this. I really don't want to see her keep growing and end up with some other dude who gets blessed beyond measure for something that I have put my heart into, but I guess free-will can just be downright nasty, but in the end it is better for her to choose me rather than feel like she is being pushed into something.
I really need prayer right now, and should just meet with God, but even that is so hard. Kinda keep wishing the phone would ring and she would be there on the other side even if it's for nothing other than asking me an English question or something about Sunday School, but it doesn't and that's ok.
How can I keep moving on. I suppose God has shown me how much I really was wrapped up in her as opposed to Christ. Perhaps I am not as strong and not as mature as I thought I was. Maybe I thought I was more of a man than I thought. Who knows? All I know is that it hurts and hurts and hurts and I can't have her know that for some reason. I can't have her worry about me. I can't let her feel she has done something wrong when she has done nothing wrong.
Time will heal the hurt, but will time prove God's word to me? I guess only time will tell and I really hate waiting for time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
