Less Talk; More Action

So life has been hard lately. Feels like I have been in a coffin and struggling against dying. You know, I have heard from many people throughout my life that laying down and dying is the best thing anyone can do. However, no one told me how difficult it would be or how much pain I would come to know. Many nights of sleeplessness; anxiety; throwing up from crying; throwing up from nothing; feeling like I am being tortured and interrogated and yet trying to just make sense of what life really means.

Well, i learned something this last week. My bestest friend's cat fell from her third story window and was injured greatly. I received a call from her at 6:30AM. She was sobbing and groaning and I knew something traumatic had just occurred. I couldn't make sense of anything she was trying to tell me. Then the Vet Doc got on the phone and told me how Shamar (the cat) had broken her front, right paw and was having trouble breathing and had a possible broken back. Phoenix asked me to come and say goodbye as I had encouraged her to put Shamar to sleep.

It took me about an hour to get there. When I entered to room I saw Shamar looking intently into Phoenix's eyes and Phoenix's bloody hands gently stroking her. Phoenix immediately broke in to tears and I knew there would be no comforting her. I said my goodbye to Shamar and the the Vet Doc came in and asked Phoenix to sign a waver to put Shamar down and she hesitated for a few minutes and finally signed and cried and weeped.

The Doc shaved Shamar's left paw around the ankle to find the vein so he could make his injection. Then he injected the stuff and within a second Shamar was gone. Then, Phoenix scooped her dead baby up into her arms and wept and wept and wept so loud and so long. I cried and cried and we both stood there in the room as this cat had now died. She was not even 6 months old. There was nothing that could be done to save her; there was nothing except death waiting in the wings for the approval to come and snatch Shamar from life.

This still pains me today. Dreams come at night as I am there trying to save this wonderful cat. I cannot, and I fail every time I dream it. It has shook me to the core. Cats just don't fall off the building like that. I know God has allowed this to happen for certain reasons and has been teaching me loads.

See, Shamar's name is Hebrew for 'watchman'. There is something symbolic here that I would like to try to explain. See, I am a watchman for our children's Sunday school--Kidz 4 Christ. I am meant to take up prayer and intercession and look after this group and cover them so that they are all protected. I take this role very seriously.

However, after the events that happened with Phoenix a month or so earlier had left me damaged and dying. God had exposed some faulty foundations in my life and had shaken my life down to the core to let me see what my life was at its rawness. This has been the most painful thing of my life up to this point. Who wants to see all that raw ugliness inside themselves? Who wants to truly let God's light shine on into those secret, secret places? I did not want to initially, but then I remembered always praying God would keep me humble and there is no doubt I have remained humble in all this or should I say humiliated as well.

I have been on a 'deathbed' for awhile now and just like Shamar, I have been struggling to live, but there is no chance that I can continue to live. I need to be injected and killed. So that is what I am doing...waiting to fully die because death means resurrection and that is the ultimate goal after all is said and done.

All this may sound nice and dandy, but there is something missing--action. I can talk a good talk, but when it becomes crunch time, where am I then? See, I am a man. I am a good man. I have vision from God and have heard His voice clearly. However, I have been inactive for a little while. I have not been moving forward all fast and furiously like. I have been moving like a snail. That is not too, too bad either; at least there is some movement.

For now I will speak less, and act more. I need to get some true stability in my life. Income, career, ministry, vision etc. I have talked about these things and now is the time for movement and action. I have an idea of where God is moving me towards and I will just finally take that step of faith and move. This is big for me. I have played life to carefree like and never wanted to take up the full responsibility of being a man. Now, it's either move or just be another statistic.

I am dying and am still waiting for my injection to death so that I may be resurrected and truly a man. However, I have now taken life more seriously and am talking up all of this responsibility and will work towards making my career and future secure and stable. It may take a bit of time, but I am not worried for God is with me. I am already in His hands. I have already willingly laid my life down for Him and am waiting for His final injection and my subsequent resurrection which will not only bring me life, but life to others as well.

I will stop in a minute with my long note. For actions always speak louder than words and my words will only fall on deaf ears and blind eyes if there is no action. So if you happen to see me around and notice I am strangely quiet or more serious don't be worried for I will still have my playful moments and my fun times, but right now I need to make sure that even though the times of fun and play are there, I will also have the times of seriousness which actually occur more than I show. Right now I have prioritized my life and attitude to take action. Don't worry if you see me silent or serious, but know that this is necessary to take action.

I am not saying I am becoming dull or boring. No, I am a man already and I will stop pretending to be a boy to win others' approval. For far too long I have tried to measure up to what I though Phoenix wanted and cut myself down to be what I thought she wanted me to be. Now I will just be me--someone who is very serious and carefree and fun, yet mature whose direction is certain and there will be less talk; more action. Perhaps then Phoenix will see the real me and not the Chris who has been trying to impress her. She is my friend and that's all. I will definitely be the best friend I can be for her and everyone I know.

LESS TALK; MORE ACTION