Becoming Indifferent

I don''t feel anything but pain anymore. Can't seem to find anything good in life. Just want to live and enjoy life, but that is so impossible. What is there I can do? NOTHING! NOTHING! NOTHING! People depend on me for certain things--Sunday School, Work, Drums, etc. Yet, I still fulfill my duties because I know I am not the only person in the world, but sometimes 'feel' like it. I enjoy teaching and some worship from the kit, but when it is all done with I revert back to this aching in my heart; this pain that just won't go away.

I noticed that I don't even care anymore if people are rude to me on the train or bus. I just let it all slide by and think that maybe they don't know what they are doing and I can't be bothered to do anything. Of course I am reminded that I can't do anything anyway...my mom once told me that I shouldn't say anything anyway. After all she said I am her son and don't always listen to her, so why should I waste the time trying to 'change' someone I don't even know when she can't even change me who is here son. Good point mom.

Even so, I lack any strength to even try to change anyone. Let them live their lives and face the consequences of their own actions. Who am I to even help anyone? Who am I that I should be a leader? Who am I that anyone would choose to love me? I am nothing. Nothing. I have nothing to give; nothing to share; nothing to equip anyone for any good work. YET, I cannot escape from Him. I cannot escape from God. No matter where I go or what I do, there is nothing I can do. I cannot even walk. I cannot even lift my own head up. Worst of all, I cannot even pretend to meet with God anymore.

I so wish I could see the end, but this valley is dark and long and cold. I shiver in trepidation of walking forward, but I cannot stop walking or I will be swallowed alive by this darkness and freeze to death on this lonely road. I know I am not even the one walking forward. I am being carried. I am slumped over in a deadened stupor. My body is limp; my eyes are rolling back into my head; my pulse is weakening and life is escaping.

Some have told me that this is good, but for the very little life left in my, I cannot even see how that 'good' is happening. I know God is good, but my faith in that is so not moved to believe it. I wish I could be a "Joseph" and just work through anything and come out on top and even be posted to second in command of all of Egypt. Seriously, this man must have felt the same thing I feel. He had to have at some point thought of giving up. Perhaps "Job" I could emulate. A man who said "Though He slay me, yet I will worship." I just want Him to slay me SO I can finally worship properly--in spirit and in truth. Hosea comes to mind as well. I am pretty sure he was expecting a wonderful wife from God who was godly and righteous, but instead God told him to marry a whore. Not just any whore, but one who would abandon Hosea and continue in her profession whilst being marries. Not only that, but God told Hosea many times to go an find her and bring her back. Seriously, that is so not right! Gomer even gave birth to bastard children due to her flings with men who were scum, yet Hosea still called those children son and daughter. He must have known my pain or at least I can somewhat understand his pain and anguish, yet God was still good to him and in the end restored this marriage and love with the chosen whore.

I admit that I am hopelessly saved. I do not enjoy anything that the world has to offer, yet find it hard to just draw near to God. All my flesh wants to do is get drunk and sin and enjoy all of that, but I cannot do that. I wish it were so simple for me like that, but I cannot do it. My heart is too moral and too holy to get drunk and commit crimes and what not. I am so HOPELESSLY SAVED. I can't even get drunk like the rest of the world cause I know I won't enjoy it. I can't go to Wan Chai or Lan Kwai Fong cause I don't enjoy that stuff.

I guess I can only let the pain resonate in my life and hope and pray that I am somehow saved from my very despair. Ending my life won't work because I have tasted real Life--Jesus and only want Him, but can't seem to find Him at the moment. It's funny how when life is not there the thought of ending life will come into the mind. Of course that thought occurs and I then I think...whatever dude...life will come again; spring always follows winter and the colder the winter, the more beautiful spring will be.

See, life has to come to an end. The leaves fall off trees and birds fly south during the winter. And the most harsh winter will reveal a spring full of blossoms and life. Death brings new life. It's part of God's creation. We see this in the seasons He has determined to be in Creation. We often refer to it the "cycle of life."

I am in that winter now. I am in that place of death and darkness. I don't know when it will end because I know coming from Colorado the winters can sometimes last until even May...AND some Ski Resorts are open until July depending upon how harsh the winter is.

Even though I so wish for this winter to end and life to come, I refuse to ask God to end it. I want this to be the worst and harshest winter I have even known. I want this death to be permanent. I don't want to limp away from this place or live life as a paraplegic. I want that death; complete with none of me left. I want to be that man crucified with Christ. I want this winter to be harsh and hard so that when spring comes LIFE will come and with it LIFE that others may see and know and understand.

I have struggled with myself on whether I am really selfish or not. I have felt that I am, but now I realize that many others would have just given up on this place long ago. Others would have tried to escape and walk away, and may have their war wounds and that's ok, but would they come to know the true sufferings of Christ--the true "passion" of Christ? Maybe...I don't know. All I know is that even though I am broken and wreathing in pain and wish I could escape, I also don't want to escape until the final injection comes that finally kills me.

Until then, I will lie there in that coffin; I will let Him carry me in the wilderness through the valley. I will not give up until the last breath of my life brings death for I know after death comes resurrection. I will walk through the harshest winter until my legs give out or the ice and snow overtake me. I care not what others think of me right now. I care not if I SHOULD be doing this or that. The fact of the matter is that I cannot do what others expect and require of me. I cannot do this and choose to just let them say what they want and do what they want--good or bad it matters not. I know the place I am in, and I will not escape, but like Christ will walk through it to the end. Even Christ pleaded with His Father to take the 'cup' from Him, but not His will, but that of His Father.

I wish I could just DO something to make it all better, but my life has been full of talk and actions that has not benefited anyone. It has been like a man beating the wind and finding nothing to fight, yet trying to pick a fight with nothing to fight with.

I am naked. I am exposed and yet I do not care. I don't care what others may say or think or advice they may think I should hear and do. I will just let Him carry me and kill me and then revive me so that one day I will only live my life through Him. Yes, it sounds crazy, but then again I have become indifferent to what others think. This is my life and only I will face the consequences of my actions. Only I will be judged by my actions, not them. Only I will have to face the Father. I know one day I will flourish, but for now let me just be and let me just die. Don't try to save me because you will only set me back more. Let me die so you and I may both live.