Lay Down and Die?

So there is this huge heaviness I am carrying around with me. It started out really small a couple weeks before I left for England and has grown into a huge burden that I am carrying around. There seems to be no way of escaping it. I have no idea how to go about dealing with it. See, God has called me to lay down and die--in a manner of speaking. He has told me to lay on the alter much like Issac and not move.

I really want to lay down and die because I know that is the only way one can actually live, yet I just have heaviness. I just have pain. I just have emptiness and loneliness. Of course, these are the thing I feel and doesn't necessarily mean I AM these things--I just feel these things; and I hate feeling this burden.

I don't know how to get rid of it really. People would say just do it--lay it down. Believe me I have tried everything. I have been on my knees in tears and brokeness before God. I have prayed in the Spirit time and time again. I have worshiped and drawn near to God and, yet there is this pain and aching inside that feels like depression, yet not depression. I know it is not depression because the feeling is in my stomach, not my heart. I know the Spirit dwells (so to speak) in the stomach region and have learned to recognize what is of the Spirit and what it of the flesh. And generally the feelings in the stomach is not always bad, but if it is in the heart/upper chest area it' not good--so I have come to understand.

I have been on my knees praying and crying out to God and the pain remains. I have written everything that I feel like I am holding on to...all my fears, anxiety, hurts and pains, and future, desires, hopes and dreams. I prayed over it and crumpled it up and beat it and then burned it! And still nothing! I even vomited today while praying and still this burden just keeps following me around.

Perhaps I am feeling just a little of what Job felt...having that same burden, yet the physical pain as well as the pain of the loss of his family and then of course his 'friends' who added to his burden and yet he still worshiped and honored God even saying.. "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him." Job 13:15

Or maybe a little part of this burden Joseph. When he was sold into slavery by his own family, falsely accused and sent to prison, and then forgotten by those whom he helped. Yes, his was a burden and I cannot say this can compare to either of them or let alone the burden Jesus carried and felt.

Still, this is so hard to carry. I want to lay it all down and have laid down and died. I just can't shake this feeling. I have asked God to just take the burden from me, yet I still walk in it and don't understand it. I have finally asked God to just take it from me. Actually, it seems like something is being birthed. Not that I have ever given birth to a baby, but I am told that it is like the final moments from when the pain is at its zenith and then the baby is born.

God has broken me and I'll I want is to be spent for Him. To abide in Him, and yet there is this cloud over me and I am questioning my very loyalty to the King who has redeemed me. I feel like there is something wrong with me and can't shake it. That there is something I am holding back, but there can't be because I just want to die cause I know that's when I will truly live. So why is this happening? Why am I feeling this way? Why has this feeling...this burden not lifted from me? What must I do to regain this peace that was once oh so sweet?

Even though I have not idea how to lay down and die properly, I will still hope in the Lord. Nothing can separate me from His love. I am His and He is mine, and I know that this too shall pass and I will await my rescue from the lord. I will await the embrace of the King for "You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes..." Song of Solomon 4:9

It is my desire to give it all--my life, my dreams, my desires all to God. I want to lay it down and have done so. I only want to be obedient to the King and my Father. How can I run for him where could I go? "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. (Psalm 139: 7-8) I cannot hide and my heart is transparent and laid bare before Him.

I thought that I would be better after writing this, but I guess there is some timing involved in God's plan here. I am wrestling and doing everything I have been taught to do and it is not helping, so I will just continue to persist in prayer and wait upon the LORD. Just because I fell this way does not mean God is not Who He says He is. No, he IS Faithful and Loyal and a Wonderful Father and a Just and Merciful King. I will still praise Him and I will still follow Him and serve others and love others even if I feel this way for a long time...perhaps the rest of my life. However, there is a still a peace that comes when I think of how this will be resolved because I know My Daddy is a good God and will not let me suffer more than I can bear!

So I will keep pressing in and pressing onward because I know that "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." (Galatians 2:20) I will overcome and will come out of this when God decides to take this burden from me. Please Pray for me!