So I am sitting here in Heathrow Airport because I missed my flight in the morning due to a delay and having to travel from Gatwick Airport. I’ll be honest. My heart is broken! I start my journey in England with a broken and hurting heart. Of course, I am the one to blame. No one but me.
Just when I think I have life figured out—I realize that I cannot do anything on my own—ever! Even though I try and try and strive and strive, life moves forward and I am left picking up the pieces of a heart that was not tamed. I feel a bit like Edward Scissor Hand where he was just trying to help but he was damaging the young lady with his scissor hands even though to him it was comforting someone he cared about, but he was using the wrong method.
I am the same way. Caring for someone, yet beating them over and over again when I really do care, but pride and self-centeredness gets in the way and I become a burden and an annoyance rather than someone who builds up and knows when to lay low and just chill. Letting go and giving up is not something I like doing, yet that is what God is telling me and my heart breaks and tears stream from my eyes and a sniffle envelops my nose.
How can I be such a hurtful friend? Why can’t I just be content with life how it is? Why must I push for something more when nothing is there. Am I so caught up in ME that I can’t see past my own nose? I am so waek and such a sinner. When I try to cause bliss and bring blessing, I get in the way and bring burdens and hurt and heaviness. When can I be free of this disastrous nature? I want to surrender everything to Jesus and just start life over again.
I want to go back to the days where laughter resounded and hearts were joyous and stomachs hurt from laughing so much. I miss the laughter and I miss the silliness. I have expected too much and have caused the complete opposite of everything I ever wanted.
Humble me LORD. Strip away all my pride and make me like Jesus. Forgive me for holding on to something and not letting you take it and make it such a wonderful blessing. I am humbled before you LORD and need you more than anything as my heart breaks and I recognize I am a sinner in need of a Savior. Come LORD and comfort me and hold me and love me. For to you I surrender all.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Broken at Last
So tonight God broke my heart. He melted it and made is mush, and replaced it with a new one. A heart that beats with His compassion for people. Yes, I am somewhat of a control freak. I like to be in control of my life, situations with friends, situations with anyone and everything. I like to know what is going to happen next without being surprised because that certain surprise could bring pain and of course who likes pain?
Let me put it in context for you. This week God has already been talking to me about my life--my self-centeredness. Yes, I didn't really want to listen. Then through a serious of events, I had upset my friend. Without even realizing it, I had made her angry. Of course her anger was justified. On the way home...she didn't even want to speak to me...it was a bit awkward, yet we are close friends so I knew at some point we would work it out. Still, I hate that feeling of wondering if it will really get worked out or if it will come up again later and harder to deal with.
She wanted to talk and I went to her house and we talked. She straight up told me I was self-centered...and left it at that. I wasn't shocked (maybe a little), but I was more concerned with the truth. Then, we talked it out and worked things through and I left knowing I wasn't condemned, but rather valued so much. Only real friends who care about me would ever try and mention something like that directly. She was so right it hurt, but was a good hurt.
Sunday rolls around and and I noticed the whole day that I was such a self centered man. I was so disgusted with myself. Even after sharing with another friend and building him up...I still went back to myself and was agitated at worship practice and throughout worship and throughout the sermon. I saw myself and the whole self-centered thing and hated it. Everywhere I turned, it was in front of me.
At the end of service I was sitting on the drums and a motioned me to come down and told me he wanted to pray with me. As soon as he opened his mouth and said, "you know God loves you so deeply!" I broke down and began to cry and as he prayed for me the pain in my heart increased and I began to weep loudly and tears were flooding down my face and snot was coming from my nose and I was in agony. How could such a good God love something like me. I weeped and weeped and cried and cried and sobbed and sobbed. I could feel God doing surgery on my hear and removing the thing I despised. He kept telling my I was forgiven!
Then, I felt like He was birthing something in me and there was more pain. He was birthing a call and a mission. I was so broken and His presence was so strong, I couldn't even sit and had to lay prostrate on the floor and as soon as I did that, the weeping and wailing increased. I couldn't move and couldn't escape the pain, but it only lasted a moment and then God spoke again and showed me a vision and confirmed the things He had told me before awhile back and peace flooded in like a tsunami. He was talking and sharing things with me and it was so precious. Compassion for people filled my heart and and His presence was so strong I couldn't do a thing except lay there and let Him just do whatever He wanted.
My heart has been broken and I have realized that I am not my own and that I have been bought with a price. So many lost people and so many hurting and so many people who cannot speak for themselves or defend themselves. They sit in chains and in dungeons and there is no one to rescue them and I was worried about being liked or not by a 12 year old.
Tonight I was humbled and brought low and God spoke life into my bones and reminded me of my training I am under. He urged me to obey and let Him work out my concerns, but to focus on my training.
God has saved me and I am so grateful for it. He has brought the most amazing friends into my life and I do not deserve to even be called there friend, yet there they are. One of them I honor now and say thanks for speaking truth in love and helping to prepare my heart for what God had planned to do in it this evening. You are priceless and I am eternally grateful for your friendship.
Thanks be to God for breaking my heart and letting me experience Him in new way. It was profound and wanting more.
Let me put it in context for you. This week God has already been talking to me about my life--my self-centeredness. Yes, I didn't really want to listen. Then through a serious of events, I had upset my friend. Without even realizing it, I had made her angry. Of course her anger was justified. On the way home...she didn't even want to speak to me...it was a bit awkward, yet we are close friends so I knew at some point we would work it out. Still, I hate that feeling of wondering if it will really get worked out or if it will come up again later and harder to deal with.
She wanted to talk and I went to her house and we talked. She straight up told me I was self-centered...and left it at that. I wasn't shocked (maybe a little), but I was more concerned with the truth. Then, we talked it out and worked things through and I left knowing I wasn't condemned, but rather valued so much. Only real friends who care about me would ever try and mention something like that directly. She was so right it hurt, but was a good hurt.
Sunday rolls around and and I noticed the whole day that I was such a self centered man. I was so disgusted with myself. Even after sharing with another friend and building him up...I still went back to myself and was agitated at worship practice and throughout worship and throughout the sermon. I saw myself and the whole self-centered thing and hated it. Everywhere I turned, it was in front of me.
At the end of service I was sitting on the drums and a motioned me to come down and told me he wanted to pray with me. As soon as he opened his mouth and said, "you know God loves you so deeply!" I broke down and began to cry and as he prayed for me the pain in my heart increased and I began to weep loudly and tears were flooding down my face and snot was coming from my nose and I was in agony. How could such a good God love something like me. I weeped and weeped and cried and cried and sobbed and sobbed. I could feel God doing surgery on my hear and removing the thing I despised. He kept telling my I was forgiven!
Then, I felt like He was birthing something in me and there was more pain. He was birthing a call and a mission. I was so broken and His presence was so strong, I couldn't even sit and had to lay prostrate on the floor and as soon as I did that, the weeping and wailing increased. I couldn't move and couldn't escape the pain, but it only lasted a moment and then God spoke again and showed me a vision and confirmed the things He had told me before awhile back and peace flooded in like a tsunami. He was talking and sharing things with me and it was so precious. Compassion for people filled my heart and and His presence was so strong I couldn't do a thing except lay there and let Him just do whatever He wanted.
My heart has been broken and I have realized that I am not my own and that I have been bought with a price. So many lost people and so many hurting and so many people who cannot speak for themselves or defend themselves. They sit in chains and in dungeons and there is no one to rescue them and I was worried about being liked or not by a 12 year old.
Tonight I was humbled and brought low and God spoke life into my bones and reminded me of my training I am under. He urged me to obey and let Him work out my concerns, but to focus on my training.
God has saved me and I am so grateful for it. He has brought the most amazing friends into my life and I do not deserve to even be called there friend, yet there they are. One of them I honor now and say thanks for speaking truth in love and helping to prepare my heart for what God had planned to do in it this evening. You are priceless and I am eternally grateful for your friendship.
Thanks be to God for breaking my heart and letting me experience Him in new way. It was profound and wanting more.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
