So life has been hard lately. Feels like I have been in a coffin and struggling against dying. You know, I have heard from many people throughout my life that laying down and dying is the best thing anyone can do. However, no one told me how difficult it would be or how much pain I would come to know. Many nights of sleeplessness; anxiety; throwing up from crying; throwing up from nothing; feeling like I am being tortured and interrogated and yet trying to just make sense of what life really means.
Well, i learned something this last week. My bestest friend's cat fell from her third story window and was injured greatly. I received a call from her at 6:30AM. She was sobbing and groaning and I knew something traumatic had just occurred. I couldn't make sense of anything she was trying to tell me. Then the Vet Doc got on the phone and told me how Shamar (the cat) had broken her front, right paw and was having trouble breathing and had a possible broken back. Phoenix asked me to come and say goodbye as I had encouraged her to put Shamar to sleep.
It took me about an hour to get there. When I entered to room I saw Shamar looking intently into Phoenix's eyes and Phoenix's bloody hands gently stroking her. Phoenix immediately broke in to tears and I knew there would be no comforting her. I said my goodbye to Shamar and the the Vet Doc came in and asked Phoenix to sign a waver to put Shamar down and she hesitated for a few minutes and finally signed and cried and weeped.
The Doc shaved Shamar's left paw around the ankle to find the vein so he could make his injection. Then he injected the stuff and within a second Shamar was gone. Then, Phoenix scooped her dead baby up into her arms and wept and wept and wept so loud and so long. I cried and cried and we both stood there in the room as this cat had now died. She was not even 6 months old. There was nothing that could be done to save her; there was nothing except death waiting in the wings for the approval to come and snatch Shamar from life.
This still pains me today. Dreams come at night as I am there trying to save this wonderful cat. I cannot, and I fail every time I dream it. It has shook me to the core. Cats just don't fall off the building like that. I know God has allowed this to happen for certain reasons and has been teaching me loads.
See, Shamar's name is Hebrew for 'watchman'. There is something symbolic here that I would like to try to explain. See, I am a watchman for our children's Sunday school--Kidz 4 Christ. I am meant to take up prayer and intercession and look after this group and cover them so that they are all protected. I take this role very seriously.
However, after the events that happened with Phoenix a month or so earlier had left me damaged and dying. God had exposed some faulty foundations in my life and had shaken my life down to the core to let me see what my life was at its rawness. This has been the most painful thing of my life up to this point. Who wants to see all that raw ugliness inside themselves? Who wants to truly let God's light shine on into those secret, secret places? I did not want to initially, but then I remembered always praying God would keep me humble and there is no doubt I have remained humble in all this or should I say humiliated as well.
I have been on a 'deathbed' for awhile now and just like Shamar, I have been struggling to live, but there is no chance that I can continue to live. I need to be injected and killed. So that is what I am doing...waiting to fully die because death means resurrection and that is the ultimate goal after all is said and done.
All this may sound nice and dandy, but there is something missing--action. I can talk a good talk, but when it becomes crunch time, where am I then? See, I am a man. I am a good man. I have vision from God and have heard His voice clearly. However, I have been inactive for a little while. I have not been moving forward all fast and furiously like. I have been moving like a snail. That is not too, too bad either; at least there is some movement.
For now I will speak less, and act more. I need to get some true stability in my life. Income, career, ministry, vision etc. I have talked about these things and now is the time for movement and action. I have an idea of where God is moving me towards and I will just finally take that step of faith and move. This is big for me. I have played life to carefree like and never wanted to take up the full responsibility of being a man. Now, it's either move or just be another statistic.
I am dying and am still waiting for my injection to death so that I may be resurrected and truly a man. However, I have now taken life more seriously and am talking up all of this responsibility and will work towards making my career and future secure and stable. It may take a bit of time, but I am not worried for God is with me. I am already in His hands. I have already willingly laid my life down for Him and am waiting for His final injection and my subsequent resurrection which will not only bring me life, but life to others as well.
I will stop in a minute with my long note. For actions always speak louder than words and my words will only fall on deaf ears and blind eyes if there is no action. So if you happen to see me around and notice I am strangely quiet or more serious don't be worried for I will still have my playful moments and my fun times, but right now I need to make sure that even though the times of fun and play are there, I will also have the times of seriousness which actually occur more than I show. Right now I have prioritized my life and attitude to take action. Don't worry if you see me silent or serious, but know that this is necessary to take action.
I am not saying I am becoming dull or boring. No, I am a man already and I will stop pretending to be a boy to win others' approval. For far too long I have tried to measure up to what I though Phoenix wanted and cut myself down to be what I thought she wanted me to be. Now I will just be me--someone who is very serious and carefree and fun, yet mature whose direction is certain and there will be less talk; more action. Perhaps then Phoenix will see the real me and not the Chris who has been trying to impress her. She is my friend and that's all. I will definitely be the best friend I can be for her and everyone I know.
LESS TALK; MORE ACTION
Friday, April 04, 2008
Friday, February 15, 2008
Heartbroken! Now what?
I am broken. I am hurting. I am blah!
What happened? Everything was going on so nicely. Everything was good--then God asked me to stand up and be a man. Yes, that's when it all started. I have been in an amazing friendship with a young lady and it has been wonderful. We hung out lots and ate together and watched movies together and had developed a deep, caring relationship for one another. We basically had a dating relationship without the label or anything like that. It was up and down, but overall was good.
I decided to either set some boundaries (guidelines) in friendship or date. Well, we decided to fast and pray for a week and then meet again and talk with our pastor and elder. When the time came she said 'yes' but with tears and wasn't really excited or happy about it. So we decided that I would just wait for her to work through some things and then perhaps later she would be ok maybe to date as she does like me. Well, I was on my way doing my thing and then at the end of that week she tells me she wants to date me and is happy and excited to do so. I let it sit for a week and then was shocked that at our next meeting she said she wasn't ready to date. It was heartbreaking.
I have prayed and fasted many a time on this. I don't just get into relationships with anyone. I really like her and am happy with our friendship, but seriously I wanted to go up another level, but that can't happen and I don't know when that will happen if it will happen.
The good thing that came out of this was word God gave to a man for me who had no idea what was happening in our relationship. He said that right now was not the time to be seeking a life partner. The timing was not right. That joy should be there when getting into a dating relationship. Now, even before we started to fast this was the word. It was a bit haunting, but I figured it was right, but how much time. It wasn't a word that said that this girl was not the girl to date, but it was one that said the timing wasn't right.
Well, in the end I must admit that God is right on this matter and that word supersedes any words that God has spoken to me in the past. However I am struggling with how to proceed. Do I just lay it all down and move on with life without hope of ever getting together with this girl or should I just move on with all of this in the back of my head and hold out some hope knowing that she does like me, but just isn't in a position to date right now, but could be later on in maybe 6 months or earlier or I dunno. Just trying to figure out what to do...to move on or just wait a bit longer. I really do love this girl and know if she works through some things in her life she would be so amazing and unstoppable and I don't want to miss that.
But right now I am hurting so bad. A hope differed makes the heart sick. And my heart is sick. I covered this in prayer. I fasted and prayed and only did my best to walk in this rightly and yet in the end I am hurt and have cried so many tears and so hard that I have thrown up. My joy is gone--my smile fails to appear and I am lost and depleted of all my energy. I want to be loved and appreciated and desired and still at this stage in my life.
I guess I am still not ready for a relationship at this stage in life, but do know that later down the road this girl is first choice. After all, we are the best of friends. We are great together, and maybe I pressed this issue too much and lost.
Why must I feel so painful? Why is this so hard for me to accept? Why can't I just move on? I really believe that she is the ONE, but I must put all of that aside and just be the best friend I can be to her. Anything less of more at this point would not be good.
So I endure the pain and try my best to keep walking, but I can't walk and need Jesus to carry me. My strength is gone and my heart torn. It's kinda funny that she once told me that she thought she would lose her smile by sucking it up and dating me even though she wasn't ready, and now my smile has been lost and no joy remains inside. Who would have thought laying one's life down for a friend would hurt so much. I guess I thought it would be like a bullet in the head and then it would be over, but now I realize that it is more like torture.
The other thing I am struggling with is moving past all this and hoping one day it will come back or should I just really get on with life and not give it a second thought and just bless her as a sister in Christ? You know, it's kinda both really...I do need to keep moving forward, but still don't want to miss out on all the good that will come from all of this. I really don't want to see her keep growing and end up with some other dude who gets blessed beyond measure for something that I have put my heart into, but I guess free-will can just be downright nasty, but in the end it is better for her to choose me rather than feel like she is being pushed into something.
I really need prayer right now, and should just meet with God, but even that is so hard. Kinda keep wishing the phone would ring and she would be there on the other side even if it's for nothing other than asking me an English question or something about Sunday School, but it doesn't and that's ok.
How can I keep moving on. I suppose God has shown me how much I really was wrapped up in her as opposed to Christ. Perhaps I am not as strong and not as mature as I thought I was. Maybe I thought I was more of a man than I thought. Who knows? All I know is that it hurts and hurts and hurts and I can't have her know that for some reason. I can't have her worry about me. I can't let her feel she has done something wrong when she has done nothing wrong.
Time will heal the hurt, but will time prove God's word to me? I guess only time will tell and I really hate waiting for time.
What happened? Everything was going on so nicely. Everything was good--then God asked me to stand up and be a man. Yes, that's when it all started. I have been in an amazing friendship with a young lady and it has been wonderful. We hung out lots and ate together and watched movies together and had developed a deep, caring relationship for one another. We basically had a dating relationship without the label or anything like that. It was up and down, but overall was good.
I decided to either set some boundaries (guidelines) in friendship or date. Well, we decided to fast and pray for a week and then meet again and talk with our pastor and elder. When the time came she said 'yes' but with tears and wasn't really excited or happy about it. So we decided that I would just wait for her to work through some things and then perhaps later she would be ok maybe to date as she does like me. Well, I was on my way doing my thing and then at the end of that week she tells me she wants to date me and is happy and excited to do so. I let it sit for a week and then was shocked that at our next meeting she said she wasn't ready to date. It was heartbreaking.
I have prayed and fasted many a time on this. I don't just get into relationships with anyone. I really like her and am happy with our friendship, but seriously I wanted to go up another level, but that can't happen and I don't know when that will happen if it will happen.
The good thing that came out of this was word God gave to a man for me who had no idea what was happening in our relationship. He said that right now was not the time to be seeking a life partner. The timing was not right. That joy should be there when getting into a dating relationship. Now, even before we started to fast this was the word. It was a bit haunting, but I figured it was right, but how much time. It wasn't a word that said that this girl was not the girl to date, but it was one that said the timing wasn't right.
Well, in the end I must admit that God is right on this matter and that word supersedes any words that God has spoken to me in the past. However I am struggling with how to proceed. Do I just lay it all down and move on with life without hope of ever getting together with this girl or should I just move on with all of this in the back of my head and hold out some hope knowing that she does like me, but just isn't in a position to date right now, but could be later on in maybe 6 months or earlier or I dunno. Just trying to figure out what to do...to move on or just wait a bit longer. I really do love this girl and know if she works through some things in her life she would be so amazing and unstoppable and I don't want to miss that.
But right now I am hurting so bad. A hope differed makes the heart sick. And my heart is sick. I covered this in prayer. I fasted and prayed and only did my best to walk in this rightly and yet in the end I am hurt and have cried so many tears and so hard that I have thrown up. My joy is gone--my smile fails to appear and I am lost and depleted of all my energy. I want to be loved and appreciated and desired and still at this stage in my life.
I guess I am still not ready for a relationship at this stage in life, but do know that later down the road this girl is first choice. After all, we are the best of friends. We are great together, and maybe I pressed this issue too much and lost.
Why must I feel so painful? Why is this so hard for me to accept? Why can't I just move on? I really believe that she is the ONE, but I must put all of that aside and just be the best friend I can be to her. Anything less of more at this point would not be good.
So I endure the pain and try my best to keep walking, but I can't walk and need Jesus to carry me. My strength is gone and my heart torn. It's kinda funny that she once told me that she thought she would lose her smile by sucking it up and dating me even though she wasn't ready, and now my smile has been lost and no joy remains inside. Who would have thought laying one's life down for a friend would hurt so much. I guess I thought it would be like a bullet in the head and then it would be over, but now I realize that it is more like torture.
The other thing I am struggling with is moving past all this and hoping one day it will come back or should I just really get on with life and not give it a second thought and just bless her as a sister in Christ? You know, it's kinda both really...I do need to keep moving forward, but still don't want to miss out on all the good that will come from all of this. I really don't want to see her keep growing and end up with some other dude who gets blessed beyond measure for something that I have put my heart into, but I guess free-will can just be downright nasty, but in the end it is better for her to choose me rather than feel like she is being pushed into something.
I really need prayer right now, and should just meet with God, but even that is so hard. Kinda keep wishing the phone would ring and she would be there on the other side even if it's for nothing other than asking me an English question or something about Sunday School, but it doesn't and that's ok.
How can I keep moving on. I suppose God has shown me how much I really was wrapped up in her as opposed to Christ. Perhaps I am not as strong and not as mature as I thought I was. Maybe I thought I was more of a man than I thought. Who knows? All I know is that it hurts and hurts and hurts and I can't have her know that for some reason. I can't have her worry about me. I can't let her feel she has done something wrong when she has done nothing wrong.
Time will heal the hurt, but will time prove God's word to me? I guess only time will tell and I really hate waiting for time.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
A Poem from the Heart
He said, "Lay down and die."
So I bit my lip, let out a cry.
"Why oh why? Why must I die?"
Tears dripping down my face not dry.
So I laid down upon that place.
Betting all I have upon grace,
And then I waited and waited more
And a burden then struck me to the core.
I laid down upon that rock
And patiently checked the clock.
I wanted desperately to arise,
Yet laid there awaiting the prize.
And still I lay and wait for death.
Wondering when it will be my last breath.
You said You wanted for me to die,
Yet why won't You come and let me die?
I am not distressed at what You say.
Will Your promises come true today?
Why must I wait and wait and wait
For a harvest I know that is not late?
Why must my heart continue to break?
How much more of this can I take?
When will you come and kill me so?
When will this burden be let go?
I know it is soon and I know I can wait,
But please be timely and don't be late.
My heart has had its fill of this pain,
So please be gentle so I don't go insane.
I know You speak and I have heard
Many wonderful things; Your Word.
But I now am doubting if its true.
I am just being honest with You.
I am on that rock in that place
Still searching for a glimpse of Your face.
Still waiting upon your Word;
The Word which you promised and I heard.
I have died. I have died. I have died,
Yet I live and I live and I have cried
Too many tears and fasted too many meals,
And all I want is to just be healed.
Not just that, but there is a lot more.
And you know my heart; my face upon floor
Can You just do what You promised?
Can You just please do what You promised?
I am hurting laying and waiting.
It is painful to just wait waiting.
But I will still look to You
For there is nothing I can do.
I can only lay here on this rock.
Knowing one day I will see the clock
And You will say, "Arise now and live."
And I will stand with a heart healed to live.
So I will wait and wait and wait
For as long as this will take.
My heart is Yours; my life is Yours
My soul is Yours; my all is Yours.
I will cry more tears
Releasing my fears.
I will fast more meals
And chase You for reals.
I am Yours so have Your way.
There is nothing You cannot say.
I am ready now oh so ready now.
Do what You will; do what You will.
So I bit my lip, let out a cry.
"Why oh why? Why must I die?"
Tears dripping down my face not dry.
So I laid down upon that place.
Betting all I have upon grace,
And then I waited and waited more
And a burden then struck me to the core.
I laid down upon that rock
And patiently checked the clock.
I wanted desperately to arise,
Yet laid there awaiting the prize.
And still I lay and wait for death.
Wondering when it will be my last breath.
You said You wanted for me to die,
Yet why won't You come and let me die?
I am not distressed at what You say.
Will Your promises come true today?
Why must I wait and wait and wait
For a harvest I know that is not late?
Why must my heart continue to break?
How much more of this can I take?
When will you come and kill me so?
When will this burden be let go?
I know it is soon and I know I can wait,
But please be timely and don't be late.
My heart has had its fill of this pain,
So please be gentle so I don't go insane.
I know You speak and I have heard
Many wonderful things; Your Word.
But I now am doubting if its true.
I am just being honest with You.
I am on that rock in that place
Still searching for a glimpse of Your face.
Still waiting upon your Word;
The Word which you promised and I heard.
I have died. I have died. I have died,
Yet I live and I live and I have cried
Too many tears and fasted too many meals,
And all I want is to just be healed.
Not just that, but there is a lot more.
And you know my heart; my face upon floor
Can You just do what You promised?
Can You just please do what You promised?
I am hurting laying and waiting.
It is painful to just wait waiting.
But I will still look to You
For there is nothing I can do.
I can only lay here on this rock.
Knowing one day I will see the clock
And You will say, "Arise now and live."
And I will stand with a heart healed to live.
So I will wait and wait and wait
For as long as this will take.
My heart is Yours; my life is Yours
My soul is Yours; my all is Yours.
I will cry more tears
Releasing my fears.
I will fast more meals
And chase You for reals.
I am Yours so have Your way.
There is nothing You cannot say.
I am ready now oh so ready now.
Do what You will; do what You will.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Stand Up and Fight!
Tick-tock-Tick-tock--the clock keeps ticking and time continues to find its path forward. There is no living unless it is called TODAY. Time has not stopped and neither should I! Time waits for no man, yet millions have wasted their lives by stopping when time did not. Millions have stayed put and not moved forward because at a point in time, they became hurt and feared feeling that pain again and stayed in their place of "comfort" for just a little longer and then just a little more longer and then a month became a few months, then a few months became a year and a year became a few years and a few years became ten years and ten years became twenty and so on.
I have experienced so much pain in my life, I never knew if I could know what real joy and real peace and real happiness really is. There are times when I think this is the life, but it's not even close to that. Life has passed by a few times and I have been stuck in a position of pain more than once. I so hate that I know there are wasted years in my life due to me not being able move forward. And what's more than that...I didn't know how to move forward. It really hurts when all one wants is to keep moving, but can't due to lack of knowledge and wisdom.
Right now there is an intense amount of pressure and responsibility on me. I feel it and when I begin to think about it, I just feel like hiding some place where no one can find me and sometimes just feel like committing crimes or something in order to not feel the pressure. Let me clarify that this was me before. As in, before I recognized my life as a son of God.
Today, I had a revelation! The enemy has been defeated! Death couldn't hold You down! I'm gonna life my voice in victory. Gonna make Your praises loud! SHOUT OUT TO GOD WITH A VOICE OF TRIUMPH!!!! SHOUT OUT TO GOD WITH A VOICE OF PRAISE!!!! I lift your Name up! I realized that for those years that I felt were wasted was because I had the wrong mindset. I was not proactive in securing my freedom--even when I did not know what to do. Even if I didn't know what to do, I could have just kept fighting and fighting even though I knew I was getting beat up. However, I decided to just get knocked out so as to not even feel anything or fight. Plus, it was a good excuse--who is gonna pressure a man to keep moving and fighting after he has been knocked out? No many even godly men would do that.
Today I realized that I have to fight even if my big butt is taking a beating! Even if I am near death and cannot let up--I cannot give up and just let the enemy walk all over me and my friends and the ministry He has entrusted me with along with all the leaders and people who are involved in that ministry. Fight and beat back the enemy because the enemy HAS BEEN defeated and VICTORY has already occurred--I am just walking out the process of what has already happened.
I know this sounds like a bit much, but I believe every word of it. There is no way I can sit down and get knocked out again and waste more years. I am not a boy anymore. I am a MAN! A MAN I SAY! I am not some little boy who can't tie his shoes, but I am a man who has been entrusted with people whose very life seems to depend on my actions.
I have prayed and have asked God to steady my heart...to steady my mind...and to steady my whole being. There is nothing worse than a man with whom you cannot feel secure with because he is all over the place. God has given me authority, power, and covering and I will use wisdom and discretion to lead.
Feelings can come and feelings go, but God remains the same forever. I feel so much pressure and may continue to feel that pressure, but that doesn't mean the WORD is not true. It just means life will be hard, but joy can be found in obedience. I have laid everything down at the foot of the cross. I have given up all my dreams and hopes and desires. And I now stand and defend those whom God has entrusted me with.
It is scary, but the reward, though might not be on earth, is so worth spending myself for. I gladly suffer crazy "feelings" in order that others may be free and know Jesus and know Life and how to live it to the fullest. I have decided that I will not seek my own desires, but the wellbeing of others. I want to spend my life for the freedom of others even if it means me suffering a bit so that they can see their freedom.
I have lived too long with ME in front. I now want to only be lead by Jesus and if others follow...then so be it, but only as long as they follow to see Jesus!
If you read this and are stuggling--just stand up and fight! If you don't know the way or how to fight--ask God for wisdom and He WILL give it to you. Let me help too if you want. I will stand in the gap in prayer and will go and intercede on your behalf.
KEEP FIGHTING! KEEP CHASING! NEVER STOP AND GIVE UP!
When this happens--I will have the pleasure of spending eternity with you! So wonderful!
I have experienced so much pain in my life, I never knew if I could know what real joy and real peace and real happiness really is. There are times when I think this is the life, but it's not even close to that. Life has passed by a few times and I have been stuck in a position of pain more than once. I so hate that I know there are wasted years in my life due to me not being able move forward. And what's more than that...I didn't know how to move forward. It really hurts when all one wants is to keep moving, but can't due to lack of knowledge and wisdom.
Right now there is an intense amount of pressure and responsibility on me. I feel it and when I begin to think about it, I just feel like hiding some place where no one can find me and sometimes just feel like committing crimes or something in order to not feel the pressure. Let me clarify that this was me before. As in, before I recognized my life as a son of God.
Today, I had a revelation! The enemy has been defeated! Death couldn't hold You down! I'm gonna life my voice in victory. Gonna make Your praises loud! SHOUT OUT TO GOD WITH A VOICE OF TRIUMPH!!!! SHOUT OUT TO GOD WITH A VOICE OF PRAISE!!!! I lift your Name up! I realized that for those years that I felt were wasted was because I had the wrong mindset. I was not proactive in securing my freedom--even when I did not know what to do. Even if I didn't know what to do, I could have just kept fighting and fighting even though I knew I was getting beat up. However, I decided to just get knocked out so as to not even feel anything or fight. Plus, it was a good excuse--who is gonna pressure a man to keep moving and fighting after he has been knocked out? No many even godly men would do that.
Today I realized that I have to fight even if my big butt is taking a beating! Even if I am near death and cannot let up--I cannot give up and just let the enemy walk all over me and my friends and the ministry He has entrusted me with along with all the leaders and people who are involved in that ministry. Fight and beat back the enemy because the enemy HAS BEEN defeated and VICTORY has already occurred--I am just walking out the process of what has already happened.
I know this sounds like a bit much, but I believe every word of it. There is no way I can sit down and get knocked out again and waste more years. I am not a boy anymore. I am a MAN! A MAN I SAY! I am not some little boy who can't tie his shoes, but I am a man who has been entrusted with people whose very life seems to depend on my actions.
I have prayed and have asked God to steady my heart...to steady my mind...and to steady my whole being. There is nothing worse than a man with whom you cannot feel secure with because he is all over the place. God has given me authority, power, and covering and I will use wisdom and discretion to lead.
Feelings can come and feelings go, but God remains the same forever. I feel so much pressure and may continue to feel that pressure, but that doesn't mean the WORD is not true. It just means life will be hard, but joy can be found in obedience. I have laid everything down at the foot of the cross. I have given up all my dreams and hopes and desires. And I now stand and defend those whom God has entrusted me with.
It is scary, but the reward, though might not be on earth, is so worth spending myself for. I gladly suffer crazy "feelings" in order that others may be free and know Jesus and know Life and how to live it to the fullest. I have decided that I will not seek my own desires, but the wellbeing of others. I want to spend my life for the freedom of others even if it means me suffering a bit so that they can see their freedom.
I have lived too long with ME in front. I now want to only be lead by Jesus and if others follow...then so be it, but only as long as they follow to see Jesus!
If you read this and are stuggling--just stand up and fight! If you don't know the way or how to fight--ask God for wisdom and He WILL give it to you. Let me help too if you want. I will stand in the gap in prayer and will go and intercede on your behalf.
KEEP FIGHTING! KEEP CHASING! NEVER STOP AND GIVE UP!
When this happens--I will have the pleasure of spending eternity with you! So wonderful!
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Lay Down and Die?
So there is this huge heaviness I am carrying around with me. It started out really small a couple weeks before I left for England and has grown into a huge burden that I am carrying around. There seems to be no way of escaping it. I have no idea how to go about dealing with it. See, God has called me to lay down and die--in a manner of speaking. He has told me to lay on the alter much like Issac and not move.
I really want to lay down and die because I know that is the only way one can actually live, yet I just have heaviness. I just have pain. I just have emptiness and loneliness. Of course, these are the thing I feel and doesn't necessarily mean I AM these things--I just feel these things; and I hate feeling this burden.
I don't know how to get rid of it really. People would say just do it--lay it down. Believe me I have tried everything. I have been on my knees in tears and brokeness before God. I have prayed in the Spirit time and time again. I have worshiped and drawn near to God and, yet there is this pain and aching inside that feels like depression, yet not depression. I know it is not depression because the feeling is in my stomach, not my heart. I know the Spirit dwells (so to speak) in the stomach region and have learned to recognize what is of the Spirit and what it of the flesh. And generally the feelings in the stomach is not always bad, but if it is in the heart/upper chest area it' not good--so I have come to understand.
I have been on my knees praying and crying out to God and the pain remains. I have written everything that I feel like I am holding on to...all my fears, anxiety, hurts and pains, and future, desires, hopes and dreams. I prayed over it and crumpled it up and beat it and then burned it! And still nothing! I even vomited today while praying and still this burden just keeps following me around.
Perhaps I am feeling just a little of what Job felt...having that same burden, yet the physical pain as well as the pain of the loss of his family and then of course his 'friends' who added to his burden and yet he still worshiped and honored God even saying.. "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him." Job 13:15
Or maybe a little part of this burden Joseph. When he was sold into slavery by his own family, falsely accused and sent to prison, and then forgotten by those whom he helped. Yes, his was a burden and I cannot say this can compare to either of them or let alone the burden Jesus carried and felt.
Still, this is so hard to carry. I want to lay it all down and have laid down and died. I just can't shake this feeling. I have asked God to just take the burden from me, yet I still walk in it and don't understand it. I have finally asked God to just take it from me. Actually, it seems like something is being birthed. Not that I have ever given birth to a baby, but I am told that it is like the final moments from when the pain is at its zenith and then the baby is born.
God has broken me and I'll I want is to be spent for Him. To abide in Him, and yet there is this cloud over me and I am questioning my very loyalty to the King who has redeemed me. I feel like there is something wrong with me and can't shake it. That there is something I am holding back, but there can't be because I just want to die cause I know that's when I will truly live. So why is this happening? Why am I feeling this way? Why has this feeling...this burden not lifted from me? What must I do to regain this peace that was once oh so sweet?
Even though I have not idea how to lay down and die properly, I will still hope in the Lord. Nothing can separate me from His love. I am His and He is mine, and I know that this too shall pass and I will await my rescue from the lord. I will await the embrace of the King for "You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes..." Song of Solomon 4:9
It is my desire to give it all--my life, my dreams, my desires all to God. I want to lay it down and have done so. I only want to be obedient to the King and my Father. How can I run for him where could I go? "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. (Psalm 139: 7-8) I cannot hide and my heart is transparent and laid bare before Him.
I thought that I would be better after writing this, but I guess there is some timing involved in God's plan here. I am wrestling and doing everything I have been taught to do and it is not helping, so I will just continue to persist in prayer and wait upon the LORD. Just because I fell this way does not mean God is not Who He says He is. No, he IS Faithful and Loyal and a Wonderful Father and a Just and Merciful King. I will still praise Him and I will still follow Him and serve others and love others even if I feel this way for a long time...perhaps the rest of my life. However, there is a still a peace that comes when I think of how this will be resolved because I know My Daddy is a good God and will not let me suffer more than I can bear!
So I will keep pressing in and pressing onward because I know that "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." (Galatians 2:20) I will overcome and will come out of this when God decides to take this burden from me. Please Pray for me!
I really want to lay down and die because I know that is the only way one can actually live, yet I just have heaviness. I just have pain. I just have emptiness and loneliness. Of course, these are the thing I feel and doesn't necessarily mean I AM these things--I just feel these things; and I hate feeling this burden.
I don't know how to get rid of it really. People would say just do it--lay it down. Believe me I have tried everything. I have been on my knees in tears and brokeness before God. I have prayed in the Spirit time and time again. I have worshiped and drawn near to God and, yet there is this pain and aching inside that feels like depression, yet not depression. I know it is not depression because the feeling is in my stomach, not my heart. I know the Spirit dwells (so to speak) in the stomach region and have learned to recognize what is of the Spirit and what it of the flesh. And generally the feelings in the stomach is not always bad, but if it is in the heart/upper chest area it' not good--so I have come to understand.
I have been on my knees praying and crying out to God and the pain remains. I have written everything that I feel like I am holding on to...all my fears, anxiety, hurts and pains, and future, desires, hopes and dreams. I prayed over it and crumpled it up and beat it and then burned it! And still nothing! I even vomited today while praying and still this burden just keeps following me around.
Perhaps I am feeling just a little of what Job felt...having that same burden, yet the physical pain as well as the pain of the loss of his family and then of course his 'friends' who added to his burden and yet he still worshiped and honored God even saying.. "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him." Job 13:15
Or maybe a little part of this burden Joseph. When he was sold into slavery by his own family, falsely accused and sent to prison, and then forgotten by those whom he helped. Yes, his was a burden and I cannot say this can compare to either of them or let alone the burden Jesus carried and felt.
Still, this is so hard to carry. I want to lay it all down and have laid down and died. I just can't shake this feeling. I have asked God to just take the burden from me, yet I still walk in it and don't understand it. I have finally asked God to just take it from me. Actually, it seems like something is being birthed. Not that I have ever given birth to a baby, but I am told that it is like the final moments from when the pain is at its zenith and then the baby is born.
God has broken me and I'll I want is to be spent for Him. To abide in Him, and yet there is this cloud over me and I am questioning my very loyalty to the King who has redeemed me. I feel like there is something wrong with me and can't shake it. That there is something I am holding back, but there can't be because I just want to die cause I know that's when I will truly live. So why is this happening? Why am I feeling this way? Why has this feeling...this burden not lifted from me? What must I do to regain this peace that was once oh so sweet?
Even though I have not idea how to lay down and die properly, I will still hope in the Lord. Nothing can separate me from His love. I am His and He is mine, and I know that this too shall pass and I will await my rescue from the lord. I will await the embrace of the King for "You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes..." Song of Solomon 4:9
It is my desire to give it all--my life, my dreams, my desires all to God. I want to lay it down and have done so. I only want to be obedient to the King and my Father. How can I run for him where could I go? "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. (Psalm 139: 7-8) I cannot hide and my heart is transparent and laid bare before Him.
I thought that I would be better after writing this, but I guess there is some timing involved in God's plan here. I am wrestling and doing everything I have been taught to do and it is not helping, so I will just continue to persist in prayer and wait upon the LORD. Just because I fell this way does not mean God is not Who He says He is. No, he IS Faithful and Loyal and a Wonderful Father and a Just and Merciful King. I will still praise Him and I will still follow Him and serve others and love others even if I feel this way for a long time...perhaps the rest of my life. However, there is a still a peace that comes when I think of how this will be resolved because I know My Daddy is a good God and will not let me suffer more than I can bear!
So I will keep pressing in and pressing onward because I know that "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." (Galatians 2:20) I will overcome and will come out of this when God decides to take this burden from me. Please Pray for me!
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Oh Ye of Little Faith
So I am sitting here in Heathrow Airport because I missed my flight in the morning due to a delay and having to travel from Gatwick Airport. I’ll be honest. My heart is broken! I start my journey in England with a broken and hurting heart. Of course, I am the one to blame. No one but me.
Just when I think I have life figured out—I realize that I cannot do anything on my own—ever! Even though I try and try and strive and strive, life moves forward and I am left picking up the pieces of a heart that was not tamed. I feel a bit like Edward Scissor Hand where he was just trying to help but he was damaging the young lady with his scissor hands even though to him it was comforting someone he cared about, but he was using the wrong method.
I am the same way. Caring for someone, yet beating them over and over again when I really do care, but pride and self-centeredness gets in the way and I become a burden and an annoyance rather than someone who builds up and knows when to lay low and just chill. Letting go and giving up is not something I like doing, yet that is what God is telling me and my heart breaks and tears stream from my eyes and a sniffle envelops my nose.
How can I be such a hurtful friend? Why can’t I just be content with life how it is? Why must I push for something more when nothing is there. Am I so caught up in ME that I can’t see past my own nose? I am so waek and such a sinner. When I try to cause bliss and bring blessing, I get in the way and bring burdens and hurt and heaviness. When can I be free of this disastrous nature? I want to surrender everything to Jesus and just start life over again.
I want to go back to the days where laughter resounded and hearts were joyous and stomachs hurt from laughing so much. I miss the laughter and I miss the silliness. I have expected too much and have caused the complete opposite of everything I ever wanted.
Humble me LORD. Strip away all my pride and make me like Jesus. Forgive me for holding on to something and not letting you take it and make it such a wonderful blessing. I am humbled before you LORD and need you more than anything as my heart breaks and I recognize I am a sinner in need of a Savior. Come LORD and comfort me and hold me and love me. For to you I surrender all.
Just when I think I have life figured out—I realize that I cannot do anything on my own—ever! Even though I try and try and strive and strive, life moves forward and I am left picking up the pieces of a heart that was not tamed. I feel a bit like Edward Scissor Hand where he was just trying to help but he was damaging the young lady with his scissor hands even though to him it was comforting someone he cared about, but he was using the wrong method.
I am the same way. Caring for someone, yet beating them over and over again when I really do care, but pride and self-centeredness gets in the way and I become a burden and an annoyance rather than someone who builds up and knows when to lay low and just chill. Letting go and giving up is not something I like doing, yet that is what God is telling me and my heart breaks and tears stream from my eyes and a sniffle envelops my nose.
How can I be such a hurtful friend? Why can’t I just be content with life how it is? Why must I push for something more when nothing is there. Am I so caught up in ME that I can’t see past my own nose? I am so waek and such a sinner. When I try to cause bliss and bring blessing, I get in the way and bring burdens and hurt and heaviness. When can I be free of this disastrous nature? I want to surrender everything to Jesus and just start life over again.
I want to go back to the days where laughter resounded and hearts were joyous and stomachs hurt from laughing so much. I miss the laughter and I miss the silliness. I have expected too much and have caused the complete opposite of everything I ever wanted.
Humble me LORD. Strip away all my pride and make me like Jesus. Forgive me for holding on to something and not letting you take it and make it such a wonderful blessing. I am humbled before you LORD and need you more than anything as my heart breaks and I recognize I am a sinner in need of a Savior. Come LORD and comfort me and hold me and love me. For to you I surrender all.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Broken at Last
So tonight God broke my heart. He melted it and made is mush, and replaced it with a new one. A heart that beats with His compassion for people. Yes, I am somewhat of a control freak. I like to be in control of my life, situations with friends, situations with anyone and everything. I like to know what is going to happen next without being surprised because that certain surprise could bring pain and of course who likes pain?
Let me put it in context for you. This week God has already been talking to me about my life--my self-centeredness. Yes, I didn't really want to listen. Then through a serious of events, I had upset my friend. Without even realizing it, I had made her angry. Of course her anger was justified. On the way home...she didn't even want to speak to me...it was a bit awkward, yet we are close friends so I knew at some point we would work it out. Still, I hate that feeling of wondering if it will really get worked out or if it will come up again later and harder to deal with.
She wanted to talk and I went to her house and we talked. She straight up told me I was self-centered...and left it at that. I wasn't shocked (maybe a little), but I was more concerned with the truth. Then, we talked it out and worked things through and I left knowing I wasn't condemned, but rather valued so much. Only real friends who care about me would ever try and mention something like that directly. She was so right it hurt, but was a good hurt.
Sunday rolls around and and I noticed the whole day that I was such a self centered man. I was so disgusted with myself. Even after sharing with another friend and building him up...I still went back to myself and was agitated at worship practice and throughout worship and throughout the sermon. I saw myself and the whole self-centered thing and hated it. Everywhere I turned, it was in front of me.
At the end of service I was sitting on the drums and a motioned me to come down and told me he wanted to pray with me. As soon as he opened his mouth and said, "you know God loves you so deeply!" I broke down and began to cry and as he prayed for me the pain in my heart increased and I began to weep loudly and tears were flooding down my face and snot was coming from my nose and I was in agony. How could such a good God love something like me. I weeped and weeped and cried and cried and sobbed and sobbed. I could feel God doing surgery on my hear and removing the thing I despised. He kept telling my I was forgiven!
Then, I felt like He was birthing something in me and there was more pain. He was birthing a call and a mission. I was so broken and His presence was so strong, I couldn't even sit and had to lay prostrate on the floor and as soon as I did that, the weeping and wailing increased. I couldn't move and couldn't escape the pain, but it only lasted a moment and then God spoke again and showed me a vision and confirmed the things He had told me before awhile back and peace flooded in like a tsunami. He was talking and sharing things with me and it was so precious. Compassion for people filled my heart and and His presence was so strong I couldn't do a thing except lay there and let Him just do whatever He wanted.
My heart has been broken and I have realized that I am not my own and that I have been bought with a price. So many lost people and so many hurting and so many people who cannot speak for themselves or defend themselves. They sit in chains and in dungeons and there is no one to rescue them and I was worried about being liked or not by a 12 year old.
Tonight I was humbled and brought low and God spoke life into my bones and reminded me of my training I am under. He urged me to obey and let Him work out my concerns, but to focus on my training.
God has saved me and I am so grateful for it. He has brought the most amazing friends into my life and I do not deserve to even be called there friend, yet there they are. One of them I honor now and say thanks for speaking truth in love and helping to prepare my heart for what God had planned to do in it this evening. You are priceless and I am eternally grateful for your friendship.
Thanks be to God for breaking my heart and letting me experience Him in new way. It was profound and wanting more.
Let me put it in context for you. This week God has already been talking to me about my life--my self-centeredness. Yes, I didn't really want to listen. Then through a serious of events, I had upset my friend. Without even realizing it, I had made her angry. Of course her anger was justified. On the way home...she didn't even want to speak to me...it was a bit awkward, yet we are close friends so I knew at some point we would work it out. Still, I hate that feeling of wondering if it will really get worked out or if it will come up again later and harder to deal with.
She wanted to talk and I went to her house and we talked. She straight up told me I was self-centered...and left it at that. I wasn't shocked (maybe a little), but I was more concerned with the truth. Then, we talked it out and worked things through and I left knowing I wasn't condemned, but rather valued so much. Only real friends who care about me would ever try and mention something like that directly. She was so right it hurt, but was a good hurt.
Sunday rolls around and and I noticed the whole day that I was such a self centered man. I was so disgusted with myself. Even after sharing with another friend and building him up...I still went back to myself and was agitated at worship practice and throughout worship and throughout the sermon. I saw myself and the whole self-centered thing and hated it. Everywhere I turned, it was in front of me.
At the end of service I was sitting on the drums and a motioned me to come down and told me he wanted to pray with me. As soon as he opened his mouth and said, "you know God loves you so deeply!" I broke down and began to cry and as he prayed for me the pain in my heart increased and I began to weep loudly and tears were flooding down my face and snot was coming from my nose and I was in agony. How could such a good God love something like me. I weeped and weeped and cried and cried and sobbed and sobbed. I could feel God doing surgery on my hear and removing the thing I despised. He kept telling my I was forgiven!
Then, I felt like He was birthing something in me and there was more pain. He was birthing a call and a mission. I was so broken and His presence was so strong, I couldn't even sit and had to lay prostrate on the floor and as soon as I did that, the weeping and wailing increased. I couldn't move and couldn't escape the pain, but it only lasted a moment and then God spoke again and showed me a vision and confirmed the things He had told me before awhile back and peace flooded in like a tsunami. He was talking and sharing things with me and it was so precious. Compassion for people filled my heart and and His presence was so strong I couldn't do a thing except lay there and let Him just do whatever He wanted.
My heart has been broken and I have realized that I am not my own and that I have been bought with a price. So many lost people and so many hurting and so many people who cannot speak for themselves or defend themselves. They sit in chains and in dungeons and there is no one to rescue them and I was worried about being liked or not by a 12 year old.
Tonight I was humbled and brought low and God spoke life into my bones and reminded me of my training I am under. He urged me to obey and let Him work out my concerns, but to focus on my training.
God has saved me and I am so grateful for it. He has brought the most amazing friends into my life and I do not deserve to even be called there friend, yet there they are. One of them I honor now and say thanks for speaking truth in love and helping to prepare my heart for what God had planned to do in it this evening. You are priceless and I am eternally grateful for your friendship.
Thanks be to God for breaking my heart and letting me experience Him in new way. It was profound and wanting more.
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