Becoming Indifferent

I don''t feel anything but pain anymore. Can't seem to find anything good in life. Just want to live and enjoy life, but that is so impossible. What is there I can do? NOTHING! NOTHING! NOTHING! People depend on me for certain things--Sunday School, Work, Drums, etc. Yet, I still fulfill my duties because I know I am not the only person in the world, but sometimes 'feel' like it. I enjoy teaching and some worship from the kit, but when it is all done with I revert back to this aching in my heart; this pain that just won't go away.

I noticed that I don't even care anymore if people are rude to me on the train or bus. I just let it all slide by and think that maybe they don't know what they are doing and I can't be bothered to do anything. Of course I am reminded that I can't do anything anyway...my mom once told me that I shouldn't say anything anyway. After all she said I am her son and don't always listen to her, so why should I waste the time trying to 'change' someone I don't even know when she can't even change me who is here son. Good point mom.

Even so, I lack any strength to even try to change anyone. Let them live their lives and face the consequences of their own actions. Who am I to even help anyone? Who am I that I should be a leader? Who am I that anyone would choose to love me? I am nothing. Nothing. I have nothing to give; nothing to share; nothing to equip anyone for any good work. YET, I cannot escape from Him. I cannot escape from God. No matter where I go or what I do, there is nothing I can do. I cannot even walk. I cannot even lift my own head up. Worst of all, I cannot even pretend to meet with God anymore.

I so wish I could see the end, but this valley is dark and long and cold. I shiver in trepidation of walking forward, but I cannot stop walking or I will be swallowed alive by this darkness and freeze to death on this lonely road. I know I am not even the one walking forward. I am being carried. I am slumped over in a deadened stupor. My body is limp; my eyes are rolling back into my head; my pulse is weakening and life is escaping.

Some have told me that this is good, but for the very little life left in my, I cannot even see how that 'good' is happening. I know God is good, but my faith in that is so not moved to believe it. I wish I could be a "Joseph" and just work through anything and come out on top and even be posted to second in command of all of Egypt. Seriously, this man must have felt the same thing I feel. He had to have at some point thought of giving up. Perhaps "Job" I could emulate. A man who said "Though He slay me, yet I will worship." I just want Him to slay me SO I can finally worship properly--in spirit and in truth. Hosea comes to mind as well. I am pretty sure he was expecting a wonderful wife from God who was godly and righteous, but instead God told him to marry a whore. Not just any whore, but one who would abandon Hosea and continue in her profession whilst being marries. Not only that, but God told Hosea many times to go an find her and bring her back. Seriously, that is so not right! Gomer even gave birth to bastard children due to her flings with men who were scum, yet Hosea still called those children son and daughter. He must have known my pain or at least I can somewhat understand his pain and anguish, yet God was still good to him and in the end restored this marriage and love with the chosen whore.

I admit that I am hopelessly saved. I do not enjoy anything that the world has to offer, yet find it hard to just draw near to God. All my flesh wants to do is get drunk and sin and enjoy all of that, but I cannot do that. I wish it were so simple for me like that, but I cannot do it. My heart is too moral and too holy to get drunk and commit crimes and what not. I am so HOPELESSLY SAVED. I can't even get drunk like the rest of the world cause I know I won't enjoy it. I can't go to Wan Chai or Lan Kwai Fong cause I don't enjoy that stuff.

I guess I can only let the pain resonate in my life and hope and pray that I am somehow saved from my very despair. Ending my life won't work because I have tasted real Life--Jesus and only want Him, but can't seem to find Him at the moment. It's funny how when life is not there the thought of ending life will come into the mind. Of course that thought occurs and I then I think...whatever dude...life will come again; spring always follows winter and the colder the winter, the more beautiful spring will be.

See, life has to come to an end. The leaves fall off trees and birds fly south during the winter. And the most harsh winter will reveal a spring full of blossoms and life. Death brings new life. It's part of God's creation. We see this in the seasons He has determined to be in Creation. We often refer to it the "cycle of life."

I am in that winter now. I am in that place of death and darkness. I don't know when it will end because I know coming from Colorado the winters can sometimes last until even May...AND some Ski Resorts are open until July depending upon how harsh the winter is.

Even though I so wish for this winter to end and life to come, I refuse to ask God to end it. I want this to be the worst and harshest winter I have even known. I want this death to be permanent. I don't want to limp away from this place or live life as a paraplegic. I want that death; complete with none of me left. I want to be that man crucified with Christ. I want this winter to be harsh and hard so that when spring comes LIFE will come and with it LIFE that others may see and know and understand.

I have struggled with myself on whether I am really selfish or not. I have felt that I am, but now I realize that many others would have just given up on this place long ago. Others would have tried to escape and walk away, and may have their war wounds and that's ok, but would they come to know the true sufferings of Christ--the true "passion" of Christ? Maybe...I don't know. All I know is that even though I am broken and wreathing in pain and wish I could escape, I also don't want to escape until the final injection comes that finally kills me.

Until then, I will lie there in that coffin; I will let Him carry me in the wilderness through the valley. I will not give up until the last breath of my life brings death for I know after death comes resurrection. I will walk through the harshest winter until my legs give out or the ice and snow overtake me. I care not what others think of me right now. I care not if I SHOULD be doing this or that. The fact of the matter is that I cannot do what others expect and require of me. I cannot do this and choose to just let them say what they want and do what they want--good or bad it matters not. I know the place I am in, and I will not escape, but like Christ will walk through it to the end. Even Christ pleaded with His Father to take the 'cup' from Him, but not His will, but that of His Father.

I wish I could just DO something to make it all better, but my life has been full of talk and actions that has not benefited anyone. It has been like a man beating the wind and finding nothing to fight, yet trying to pick a fight with nothing to fight with.

I am naked. I am exposed and yet I do not care. I don't care what others may say or think or advice they may think I should hear and do. I will just let Him carry me and kill me and then revive me so that one day I will only live my life through Him. Yes, it sounds crazy, but then again I have become indifferent to what others think. This is my life and only I will face the consequences of my actions. Only I will be judged by my actions, not them. Only I will have to face the Father. I know one day I will flourish, but for now let me just be and let me just die. Don't try to save me because you will only set me back more. Let me die so you and I may both live.

Heartbroken! Now what?

I am broken. I am hurting. I am blah!

What happened? Everything was going on so nicely. Everything was good--then God asked me to stand up and be a man. Yes, that's when it all started. I have been in an amazing friendship with a young lady and it has been wonderful. We hung out lots and ate together and watched movies together and had developed a deep, caring relationship for one another. We basically had a dating relationship without the label or anything like that. It was up and down, but overall was good.

I decided to either set some boundaries (guidelines) in friendship or date. Well, we decided to fast and pray for a week and then meet again and talk with our pastor and elder. When the time came she said 'yes' but with tears and wasn't really excited or happy about it. So we decided that I would just wait for her to work through some things and then perhaps later she would be ok maybe to date as she does like me. Well, I was on my way doing my thing and then at the end of that week she tells me she wants to date me and is happy and excited to do so. I let it sit for a week and then was shocked that at our next meeting she said she wasn't ready to date. It was heartbreaking.

I have prayed and fasted many a time on this. I don't just get into relationships with anyone. I really like her and am happy with our friendship, but seriously I wanted to go up another level, but that can't happen and I don't know when that will happen if it will happen.

The good thing that came out of this was word God gave to a man for me who had no idea what was happening in our relationship. He said that right now was not the time to be seeking a life partner. The timing was not right. That joy should be there when getting into a dating relationship. Now, even before we started to fast this was the word. It was a bit haunting, but I figured it was right, but how much time. It wasn't a word that said that this girl was not the girl to date, but it was one that said the timing wasn't right.

Well, in the end I must admit that God is right on this matter and that word supersedes any words that God has spoken to me in the past. However I am struggling with how to proceed. Do I just lay it all down and move on with life without hope of ever getting together with this girl or should I just move on with all of this in the back of my head and hold out some hope knowing that she does like me, but just isn't in a position to date right now, but could be later on in maybe 6 months or earlier or I dunno. Just trying to figure out what to do...to move on or just wait a bit longer. I really do love this girl and know if she works through some things in her life she would be so amazing and unstoppable and I don't want to miss that.

But right now I am hurting so bad. A hope differed makes the heart sick. And my heart is sick. I covered this in prayer. I fasted and prayed and only did my best to walk in this rightly and yet in the end I am hurt and have cried so many tears and so hard that I have thrown up. My joy is gone--my smile fails to appear and I am lost and depleted of all my energy. I want to be loved and appreciated and desired and still at this stage in my life.

I guess I am still not ready for a relationship at this stage in life, but do know that later down the road this girl is first choice. After all, we are the best of friends. We are great together, and maybe I pressed this issue too much and lost.

Why must I feel so painful? Why is this so hard for me to accept? Why can't I just move on? I really believe that she is the ONE, but I must put all of that aside and just be the best friend I can be to her. Anything less of more at this point would not be good.

So I endure the pain and try my best to keep walking, but I can't walk and need Jesus to carry me. My strength is gone and my heart torn. It's kinda funny that she once told me that she thought she would lose her smile by sucking it up and dating me even though she wasn't ready, and now my smile has been lost and no joy remains inside. Who would have thought laying one's life down for a friend would hurt so much. I guess I thought it would be like a bullet in the head and then it would be over, but now I realize that it is more like torture.

The other thing I am struggling with is moving past all this and hoping one day it will come back or should I just really get on with life and not give it a second thought and just bless her as a sister in Christ? You know, it's kinda both really...I do need to keep moving forward, but still don't want to miss out on all the good that will come from all of this. I really don't want to see her keep growing and end up with some other dude who gets blessed beyond measure for something that I have put my heart into, but I guess free-will can just be downright nasty, but in the end it is better for her to choose me rather than feel like she is being pushed into something.

I really need prayer right now, and should just meet with God, but even that is so hard. Kinda keep wishing the phone would ring and she would be there on the other side even if it's for nothing other than asking me an English question or something about Sunday School, but it doesn't and that's ok.

How can I keep moving on. I suppose God has shown me how much I really was wrapped up in her as opposed to Christ. Perhaps I am not as strong and not as mature as I thought I was. Maybe I thought I was more of a man than I thought. Who knows? All I know is that it hurts and hurts and hurts and I can't have her know that for some reason. I can't have her worry about me. I can't let her feel she has done something wrong when she has done nothing wrong.

Time will heal the hurt, but will time prove God's word to me? I guess only time will tell and I really hate waiting for time.

Lay Down and Die?

So there is this huge heaviness I am carrying around with me. It started out really small a couple weeks before I left for England and has grown into a huge burden that I am carrying around. There seems to be no way of escaping it. I have no idea how to go about dealing with it. See, God has called me to lay down and die--in a manner of speaking. He has told me to lay on the alter much like Issac and not move.

I really want to lay down and die because I know that is the only way one can actually live, yet I just have heaviness. I just have pain. I just have emptiness and loneliness. Of course, these are the thing I feel and doesn't necessarily mean I AM these things--I just feel these things; and I hate feeling this burden.

I don't know how to get rid of it really. People would say just do it--lay it down. Believe me I have tried everything. I have been on my knees in tears and brokeness before God. I have prayed in the Spirit time and time again. I have worshiped and drawn near to God and, yet there is this pain and aching inside that feels like depression, yet not depression. I know it is not depression because the feeling is in my stomach, not my heart. I know the Spirit dwells (so to speak) in the stomach region and have learned to recognize what is of the Spirit and what it of the flesh. And generally the feelings in the stomach is not always bad, but if it is in the heart/upper chest area it' not good--so I have come to understand.

I have been on my knees praying and crying out to God and the pain remains. I have written everything that I feel like I am holding on to...all my fears, anxiety, hurts and pains, and future, desires, hopes and dreams. I prayed over it and crumpled it up and beat it and then burned it! And still nothing! I even vomited today while praying and still this burden just keeps following me around.

Perhaps I am feeling just a little of what Job felt...having that same burden, yet the physical pain as well as the pain of the loss of his family and then of course his 'friends' who added to his burden and yet he still worshiped and honored God even saying.. "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him." Job 13:15

Or maybe a little part of this burden Joseph. When he was sold into slavery by his own family, falsely accused and sent to prison, and then forgotten by those whom he helped. Yes, his was a burden and I cannot say this can compare to either of them or let alone the burden Jesus carried and felt.

Still, this is so hard to carry. I want to lay it all down and have laid down and died. I just can't shake this feeling. I have asked God to just take the burden from me, yet I still walk in it and don't understand it. I have finally asked God to just take it from me. Actually, it seems like something is being birthed. Not that I have ever given birth to a baby, but I am told that it is like the final moments from when the pain is at its zenith and then the baby is born.

God has broken me and I'll I want is to be spent for Him. To abide in Him, and yet there is this cloud over me and I am questioning my very loyalty to the King who has redeemed me. I feel like there is something wrong with me and can't shake it. That there is something I am holding back, but there can't be because I just want to die cause I know that's when I will truly live. So why is this happening? Why am I feeling this way? Why has this feeling...this burden not lifted from me? What must I do to regain this peace that was once oh so sweet?

Even though I have not idea how to lay down and die properly, I will still hope in the Lord. Nothing can separate me from His love. I am His and He is mine, and I know that this too shall pass and I will await my rescue from the lord. I will await the embrace of the King for "You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes..." Song of Solomon 4:9

It is my desire to give it all--my life, my dreams, my desires all to God. I want to lay it down and have done so. I only want to be obedient to the King and my Father. How can I run for him where could I go? "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. (Psalm 139: 7-8) I cannot hide and my heart is transparent and laid bare before Him.

I thought that I would be better after writing this, but I guess there is some timing involved in God's plan here. I am wrestling and doing everything I have been taught to do and it is not helping, so I will just continue to persist in prayer and wait upon the LORD. Just because I fell this way does not mean God is not Who He says He is. No, he IS Faithful and Loyal and a Wonderful Father and a Just and Merciful King. I will still praise Him and I will still follow Him and serve others and love others even if I feel this way for a long time...perhaps the rest of my life. However, there is a still a peace that comes when I think of how this will be resolved because I know My Daddy is a good God and will not let me suffer more than I can bear!

So I will keep pressing in and pressing onward because I know that "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." (Galatians 2:20) I will overcome and will come out of this when God decides to take this burden from me. Please Pray for me!

Free Will: Sometimes it Hurts

So the past few weeks have been full of emotions. There has been good, bad, and ugliness all around. My life was shaken to the core with my former (not due to the incident, rather because I moved to Asia) pastor Ted Haggard's admission of guilt, a friend’s failure after doing well for so long, and another friend's choice that has caused me to step back for a moment to understand better what her intentions are.

Choices are made everyday by everyone all aver this world. Some are good choices and some are bad choice. I, myself, have been know to make really good decisions, yet others only know me by my extremely poor decisions. Life has taught me over and over that good choices breed good consequences and bad choices breed bad consequences. BUT, Romans 8:28 does provide hope for me when I do choose poorly.

All this emotion hasn't left or gotten much better either, but I have chosen to stay the course that God has laid out for me. He brought me to Asia for a purpose and I will learn everything I can from this pain inside me everyday. It's very interesting that none of this pain seems to have been because of my bad decisions. Well, unless it was the decision to be open and vulnerable with others--then I guess making a good decision can sometimes breed bad consequences. But I embrace this pain and this wonderment of life.
Before when I was child I was afraid of pain, but now as a man I have learned to just embrace it and let God comfort me. Forgiveness is beautiful thing. My heart goes out to my friends who are navigating their way through life right now--just like most of us. I am on my knees constantly for them.

I have also learned the true value of prayer. I know that my life cannot impact and cause another's life to change for the better without that relationship with Jesus. I also know the value prayer for others as well (1 Timothy 2:1-6) and have determined that prayer is the only thing that can save a friend or foe from evil's deadly purpose. Prayer not only saves, but it something that God loves. He loves it when we intercede for those he loves because He does that very same thing. (Romans 8:26-27, 34b)

Regardless of all that happens in my life, I know that God is constant and the one thing I know God has given mankind is Free Will and sometimes it hurts. It hurts when friends make poor decisions and their consequences affect me. It hurts when I make poor decisions and hurt my friends. No matter the pain, I have found that pain, when dealt with properly, can cause a deepness to grow amongst friends. I cannot stop my friends from making bad decisions or cause them to make good decisions. I can only pray and build them up and encourage them to live with their life close to the Father's heart, and to spur others along in love and good deeds (Hebrews 10:24).

I have come to realize the importance of grace, mercy, and forgiveness. I know that before I was so caught up in justice and making right the wrongs by seeking justice and maybe vengeance, I am now convinced that God loves mercy just as much as justice and somehow they are in intertwined.

I love my friends and will continue to be there for them when needed or just to hang out and do ababsolutely nothing just being friends regardless if they choose rightly or wrongly.

The Pinnacle of Pain?

So this past week was really hard for me. I woke up one day to a headline that said the president of the National Association of Evangelicals (NAE) was accused of a pay-for-sex scandal. I was hoping there had been a new president because the one I knew a year and a half ago when I lived in Colorado Springs was a mentor and a father figure to me. To my heart's pain, I opened the link and my world was turned upside-down. This was surreal. The worst part was that he had resigned his NAE post, and took a leave of absence from the church. He denied the claims, and I was shocked at the thought of what had just transpired.

I was "adopted" into Ted Haggards family while living in Colorado Springs as I attended New Life Church (NLC). I had learned a great deal about life from this man. He had mentored me, provided money when desperately needed, and was there to guide me through the questions and struggles of manhood. I dined at his house, and his son was one of my closest friends. I was content in Colorado and loved this Haggard family deeply!

At first, I knew something was awry the minute he left his posts so quickly. Ted Haggard was always being accused of something, somewhere, with someone who hated him for whatever reason. It was just something he dealt with, and nothing ever came of it. I knew that day (the day I read the the first article on the drudgereport.com), my life and his life would never be the same. Wow...was it changed--for the better though.

I still love this man, and what he has taught me will always stay with me. I am in no way angry or bitter toward his actions. I know it must have been inconceivably hard on him to have these thoughts and desires that were not natural to him. He must have felt shame and embarrassment every time he talked to his councilors to receive help and prayer. After so many years of dealing with the thoughts and feelings, walking in freedom, then feeling the same things he didn't want to feel, he stopped fighting, and the darkness "dominated" him.

I cried so many tears this week; not because I was so hurt by Ted Haggard, it was cause I hate it for him. It pains me, cause I feel his hurt and his pain cause I am close to him, close to his family, close to that splendid body of believers at NLC. I hurt cause the body of Christ hurts.

Not only did these events affect me, my dad informed me that another Pastor in Montanaa (a wonderful friend of our family) lost his fight with leukemia and went on home to be with Jesus. It broke my heart once again. A great man who stood firm and lived his life to the fullest!

Not only that news, I have a wonderful friend who has been fighting alcoholism and lost a battle with it this past week. I care about her so much, and know her heart, but failed to keep her from the evil stuff. She got drunk after a few weeks of being sober. She was put in that position through a friends invite, but I left her there at the party without any accountability. My heart broke again, and once again I cried and cried and cried. I care about her so much, yet I didn't stop her from her binge.

Not only that, I cannot get a hold of my friend in Europe who may or may not be pregnant due to some indiscretions that pain me. It hurts and hurts. Is this the pinnacle of pain? Perhaps, but I am reminded of what Jesus suffered and my pain pales greatly in comparison.

Though I am saddened, I am strengthened by my Father to know that He never fails and her never has left me. I have decided that there is only one thing that can protect my friends and loved ones from the things of this world that could destroy them is by prayer. I cannot protect a single person from anything. I cannot just step into my friends' lives and force them to change. Grace and mercy are needed when 'mess ups' occur, but prayer can totally prevent these things form happening.

Prayer is what is needed for my friends and Ted Haggard, my mentor. I will survive and am even flourishing as I write these words. I have a renewed spirit that beckons me to pray. I have prayed more this week for my friends and family than I have in such a long time. I have thought way too long about myself and wants, and that needs to change. I am human and more than able to do the most evil and stupidest things in my life, save the grace of Jesus.

I know this may be a bit long, but I want to conclude this with telling you how much I care about the things (even little, and stupid things) that my friends do. I will not abandon any of my friends. I will defend them, love them, care for them, and keep them honest. Most of all, I will pray even more for them and less for me. My life will be better off with prayer and focus on others.

To my friend who 'messed up:' You are wonderful and awesome. I love being friends with you, and keep fighting for your freedom from addiction to alcohol. You will win, and I will be cheering for you through the whole race and will celebrate with you drinking Mountain Dew at the end of the race when you win! Thanks for your friendship. You can never change my opinion of you--whatever you do.