It's been like a year since I have written anything. For those of you who read my blog--my sincere apologies. BUT, I have great news. Since my last post, God has done so much in my life. Right now, I have been living in freedom and living life to the fullest every day. I did lay down and die, and He Himself resurrected me. Many friends and family tried to save me, but it was God Himself who reached down and placed a new, golden heart in me; breathed life into me and changed my life completely. I'll tell you right now...dying is not easy. Actually, it's harder than anyone thinks and imagines. I thought I could just say the words, but God said that I needed to go through the process to live.
However, all that said, I want to celebrate life. Today, I am happier than I have ever been. I am excited to be in love with Jesus and expectantly can't wait to meet with Him everyday. He IS my life and my freedom. He IS my Hope and He will NEVER leave me or forsake me. I have come to learn that with just one word from Him, He will heal me. I am so blessed.
Yes, I have been through loads of pain and hurt. I would go through it all again if it made me wiser and closer to Jesus and and if my friends were able to get close to Jesus. I love spending my life on others. I love to give. I love to bless. I love to love. I love to give mercy. I love to see people healed and walk in freedom. I love Jesus!
Right now, I am loving life. I am Testing, Trusting, and waiting for His Timing. God is moving and keeps drawing me close to Him. I am all smiles, and I am all joyful. God has blessed me and keeps giving me more and more. I love blessing others with my life. I can be crazy and funny, yet I have learned to be serious and wise when needed. Life is too short to live like an adult who can't laugh. And life is too short to live as I am still an immature child.
Also, I thank God I am no longer living in pain. I am glad I am no longer living in anguish. All I know is whatever God tells me, I will do. I will obey--no matter if it hurts--cause I know He will heal me and has my best interest in mind.
Well, I just want to say one last thing. Sunsh, if you're reading this--bless you! And thanks for being such a blessing to me. I hope you started from the beginning. I think now God ha freed me to write more positive things. And I will. Bless you all and bless you, Sunsh! Tell Baby I said hi!
Friday, February 20, 2009
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Becoming Indifferent
I don''t feel anything but pain anymore. Can't seem to find anything good in life. Just want to live and enjoy life, but that is so impossible. What is there I can do? NOTHING! NOTHING! NOTHING! People depend on me for certain things--Sunday School, Work, Drums, etc. Yet, I still fulfill my duties because I know I am not the only person in the world, but sometimes 'feel' like it. I enjoy teaching and some worship from the kit, but when it is all done with I revert back to this aching in my heart; this pain that just won't go away.
I noticed that I don't even care anymore if people are rude to me on the train or bus. I just let it all slide by and think that maybe they don't know what they are doing and I can't be bothered to do anything. Of course I am reminded that I can't do anything anyway...my mom once told me that I shouldn't say anything anyway. After all she said I am her son and don't always listen to her, so why should I waste the time trying to 'change' someone I don't even know when she can't even change me who is here son. Good point mom.
Even so, I lack any strength to even try to change anyone. Let them live their lives and face the consequences of their own actions. Who am I to even help anyone? Who am I that I should be a leader? Who am I that anyone would choose to love me? I am nothing. Nothing. I have nothing to give; nothing to share; nothing to equip anyone for any good work. YET, I cannot escape from Him. I cannot escape from God. No matter where I go or what I do, there is nothing I can do. I cannot even walk. I cannot even lift my own head up. Worst of all, I cannot even pretend to meet with God anymore.
I so wish I could see the end, but this valley is dark and long and cold. I shiver in trepidation of walking forward, but I cannot stop walking or I will be swallowed alive by this darkness and freeze to death on this lonely road. I know I am not even the one walking forward. I am being carried. I am slumped over in a deadened stupor. My body is limp; my eyes are rolling back into my head; my pulse is weakening and life is escaping.
Some have told me that this is good, but for the very little life left in my, I cannot even see how that 'good' is happening. I know God is good, but my faith in that is so not moved to believe it. I wish I could be a "Joseph" and just work through anything and come out on top and even be posted to second in command of all of Egypt. Seriously, this man must have felt the same thing I feel. He had to have at some point thought of giving up. Perhaps "Job" I could emulate. A man who said "Though He slay me, yet I will worship." I just want Him to slay me SO I can finally worship properly--in spirit and in truth. Hosea comes to mind as well. I am pretty sure he was expecting a wonderful wife from God who was godly and righteous, but instead God told him to marry a whore. Not just any whore, but one who would abandon Hosea and continue in her profession whilst being marries. Not only that, but God told Hosea many times to go an find her and bring her back. Seriously, that is so not right! Gomer even gave birth to bastard children due to her flings with men who were scum, yet Hosea still called those children son and daughter. He must have known my pain or at least I can somewhat understand his pain and anguish, yet God was still good to him and in the end restored this marriage and love with the chosen whore.
I admit that I am hopelessly saved. I do not enjoy anything that the world has to offer, yet find it hard to just draw near to God. All my flesh wants to do is get drunk and sin and enjoy all of that, but I cannot do that. I wish it were so simple for me like that, but I cannot do it. My heart is too moral and too holy to get drunk and commit crimes and what not. I am so HOPELESSLY SAVED. I can't even get drunk like the rest of the world cause I know I won't enjoy it. I can't go to Wan Chai or Lan Kwai Fong cause I don't enjoy that stuff.
I guess I can only let the pain resonate in my life and hope and pray that I am somehow saved from my very despair. Ending my life won't work because I have tasted real Life--Jesus and only want Him, but can't seem to find Him at the moment. It's funny how when life is not there the thought of ending life will come into the mind. Of course that thought occurs and I then I think...whatever dude...life will come again; spring always follows winter and the colder the winter, the more beautiful spring will be.
See, life has to come to an end. The leaves fall off trees and birds fly south during the winter. And the most harsh winter will reveal a spring full of blossoms and life. Death brings new life. It's part of God's creation. We see this in the seasons He has determined to be in Creation. We often refer to it the "cycle of life."
I am in that winter now. I am in that place of death and darkness. I don't know when it will end because I know coming from Colorado the winters can sometimes last until even May...AND some Ski Resorts are open until July depending upon how harsh the winter is.
Even though I so wish for this winter to end and life to come, I refuse to ask God to end it. I want this to be the worst and harshest winter I have even known. I want this death to be permanent. I don't want to limp away from this place or live life as a paraplegic. I want that death; complete with none of me left. I want to be that man crucified with Christ. I want this winter to be harsh and hard so that when spring comes LIFE will come and with it LIFE that others may see and know and understand.
I have struggled with myself on whether I am really selfish or not. I have felt that I am, but now I realize that many others would have just given up on this place long ago. Others would have tried to escape and walk away, and may have their war wounds and that's ok, but would they come to know the true sufferings of Christ--the true "passion" of Christ? Maybe...I don't know. All I know is that even though I am broken and wreathing in pain and wish I could escape, I also don't want to escape until the final injection comes that finally kills me.
Until then, I will lie there in that coffin; I will let Him carry me in the wilderness through the valley. I will not give up until the last breath of my life brings death for I know after death comes resurrection. I will walk through the harshest winter until my legs give out or the ice and snow overtake me. I care not what others think of me right now. I care not if I SHOULD be doing this or that. The fact of the matter is that I cannot do what others expect and require of me. I cannot do this and choose to just let them say what they want and do what they want--good or bad it matters not. I know the place I am in, and I will not escape, but like Christ will walk through it to the end. Even Christ pleaded with His Father to take the 'cup' from Him, but not His will, but that of His Father.
I wish I could just DO something to make it all better, but my life has been full of talk and actions that has not benefited anyone. It has been like a man beating the wind and finding nothing to fight, yet trying to pick a fight with nothing to fight with.
I am naked. I am exposed and yet I do not care. I don't care what others may say or think or advice they may think I should hear and do. I will just let Him carry me and kill me and then revive me so that one day I will only live my life through Him. Yes, it sounds crazy, but then again I have become indifferent to what others think. This is my life and only I will face the consequences of my actions. Only I will be judged by my actions, not them. Only I will have to face the Father. I know one day I will flourish, but for now let me just be and let me just die. Don't try to save me because you will only set me back more. Let me die so you and I may both live.
I noticed that I don't even care anymore if people are rude to me on the train or bus. I just let it all slide by and think that maybe they don't know what they are doing and I can't be bothered to do anything. Of course I am reminded that I can't do anything anyway...my mom once told me that I shouldn't say anything anyway. After all she said I am her son and don't always listen to her, so why should I waste the time trying to 'change' someone I don't even know when she can't even change me who is here son. Good point mom.
Even so, I lack any strength to even try to change anyone. Let them live their lives and face the consequences of their own actions. Who am I to even help anyone? Who am I that I should be a leader? Who am I that anyone would choose to love me? I am nothing. Nothing. I have nothing to give; nothing to share; nothing to equip anyone for any good work. YET, I cannot escape from Him. I cannot escape from God. No matter where I go or what I do, there is nothing I can do. I cannot even walk. I cannot even lift my own head up. Worst of all, I cannot even pretend to meet with God anymore.
I so wish I could see the end, but this valley is dark and long and cold. I shiver in trepidation of walking forward, but I cannot stop walking or I will be swallowed alive by this darkness and freeze to death on this lonely road. I know I am not even the one walking forward. I am being carried. I am slumped over in a deadened stupor. My body is limp; my eyes are rolling back into my head; my pulse is weakening and life is escaping.
Some have told me that this is good, but for the very little life left in my, I cannot even see how that 'good' is happening. I know God is good, but my faith in that is so not moved to believe it. I wish I could be a "Joseph" and just work through anything and come out on top and even be posted to second in command of all of Egypt. Seriously, this man must have felt the same thing I feel. He had to have at some point thought of giving up. Perhaps "Job" I could emulate. A man who said "Though He slay me, yet I will worship." I just want Him to slay me SO I can finally worship properly--in spirit and in truth. Hosea comes to mind as well. I am pretty sure he was expecting a wonderful wife from God who was godly and righteous, but instead God told him to marry a whore. Not just any whore, but one who would abandon Hosea and continue in her profession whilst being marries. Not only that, but God told Hosea many times to go an find her and bring her back. Seriously, that is so not right! Gomer even gave birth to bastard children due to her flings with men who were scum, yet Hosea still called those children son and daughter. He must have known my pain or at least I can somewhat understand his pain and anguish, yet God was still good to him and in the end restored this marriage and love with the chosen whore.
I admit that I am hopelessly saved. I do not enjoy anything that the world has to offer, yet find it hard to just draw near to God. All my flesh wants to do is get drunk and sin and enjoy all of that, but I cannot do that. I wish it were so simple for me like that, but I cannot do it. My heart is too moral and too holy to get drunk and commit crimes and what not. I am so HOPELESSLY SAVED. I can't even get drunk like the rest of the world cause I know I won't enjoy it. I can't go to Wan Chai or Lan Kwai Fong cause I don't enjoy that stuff.
I guess I can only let the pain resonate in my life and hope and pray that I am somehow saved from my very despair. Ending my life won't work because I have tasted real Life--Jesus and only want Him, but can't seem to find Him at the moment. It's funny how when life is not there the thought of ending life will come into the mind. Of course that thought occurs and I then I think...whatever dude...life will come again; spring always follows winter and the colder the winter, the more beautiful spring will be.
See, life has to come to an end. The leaves fall off trees and birds fly south during the winter. And the most harsh winter will reveal a spring full of blossoms and life. Death brings new life. It's part of God's creation. We see this in the seasons He has determined to be in Creation. We often refer to it the "cycle of life."
I am in that winter now. I am in that place of death and darkness. I don't know when it will end because I know coming from Colorado the winters can sometimes last until even May...AND some Ski Resorts are open until July depending upon how harsh the winter is.
Even though I so wish for this winter to end and life to come, I refuse to ask God to end it. I want this to be the worst and harshest winter I have even known. I want this death to be permanent. I don't want to limp away from this place or live life as a paraplegic. I want that death; complete with none of me left. I want to be that man crucified with Christ. I want this winter to be harsh and hard so that when spring comes LIFE will come and with it LIFE that others may see and know and understand.
I have struggled with myself on whether I am really selfish or not. I have felt that I am, but now I realize that many others would have just given up on this place long ago. Others would have tried to escape and walk away, and may have their war wounds and that's ok, but would they come to know the true sufferings of Christ--the true "passion" of Christ? Maybe...I don't know. All I know is that even though I am broken and wreathing in pain and wish I could escape, I also don't want to escape until the final injection comes that finally kills me.
Until then, I will lie there in that coffin; I will let Him carry me in the wilderness through the valley. I will not give up until the last breath of my life brings death for I know after death comes resurrection. I will walk through the harshest winter until my legs give out or the ice and snow overtake me. I care not what others think of me right now. I care not if I SHOULD be doing this or that. The fact of the matter is that I cannot do what others expect and require of me. I cannot do this and choose to just let them say what they want and do what they want--good or bad it matters not. I know the place I am in, and I will not escape, but like Christ will walk through it to the end. Even Christ pleaded with His Father to take the 'cup' from Him, but not His will, but that of His Father.
I wish I could just DO something to make it all better, but my life has been full of talk and actions that has not benefited anyone. It has been like a man beating the wind and finding nothing to fight, yet trying to pick a fight with nothing to fight with.
I am naked. I am exposed and yet I do not care. I don't care what others may say or think or advice they may think I should hear and do. I will just let Him carry me and kill me and then revive me so that one day I will only live my life through Him. Yes, it sounds crazy, but then again I have become indifferent to what others think. This is my life and only I will face the consequences of my actions. Only I will be judged by my actions, not them. Only I will have to face the Father. I know one day I will flourish, but for now let me just be and let me just die. Don't try to save me because you will only set me back more. Let me die so you and I may both live.
Friday, April 04, 2008
Less Talk; More Action
So life has been hard lately. Feels like I have been in a coffin and struggling against dying. You know, I have heard from many people throughout my life that laying down and dying is the best thing anyone can do. However, no one told me how difficult it would be or how much pain I would come to know. Many nights of sleeplessness; anxiety; throwing up from crying; throwing up from nothing; feeling like I am being tortured and interrogated and yet trying to just make sense of what life really means.
Well, i learned something this last week. My bestest friend's cat fell from her third story window and was injured greatly. I received a call from her at 6:30AM. She was sobbing and groaning and I knew something traumatic had just occurred. I couldn't make sense of anything she was trying to tell me. Then the Vet Doc got on the phone and told me how Shamar (the cat) had broken her front, right paw and was having trouble breathing and had a possible broken back. Phoenix asked me to come and say goodbye as I had encouraged her to put Shamar to sleep.
It took me about an hour to get there. When I entered to room I saw Shamar looking intently into Phoenix's eyes and Phoenix's bloody hands gently stroking her. Phoenix immediately broke in to tears and I knew there would be no comforting her. I said my goodbye to Shamar and the the Vet Doc came in and asked Phoenix to sign a waver to put Shamar down and she hesitated for a few minutes and finally signed and cried and weeped.
The Doc shaved Shamar's left paw around the ankle to find the vein so he could make his injection. Then he injected the stuff and within a second Shamar was gone. Then, Phoenix scooped her dead baby up into her arms and wept and wept and wept so loud and so long. I cried and cried and we both stood there in the room as this cat had now died. She was not even 6 months old. There was nothing that could be done to save her; there was nothing except death waiting in the wings for the approval to come and snatch Shamar from life.
This still pains me today. Dreams come at night as I am there trying to save this wonderful cat. I cannot, and I fail every time I dream it. It has shook me to the core. Cats just don't fall off the building like that. I know God has allowed this to happen for certain reasons and has been teaching me loads.
See, Shamar's name is Hebrew for 'watchman'. There is something symbolic here that I would like to try to explain. See, I am a watchman for our children's Sunday school--Kidz 4 Christ. I am meant to take up prayer and intercession and look after this group and cover them so that they are all protected. I take this role very seriously.
However, after the events that happened with Phoenix a month or so earlier had left me damaged and dying. God had exposed some faulty foundations in my life and had shaken my life down to the core to let me see what my life was at its rawness. This has been the most painful thing of my life up to this point. Who wants to see all that raw ugliness inside themselves? Who wants to truly let God's light shine on into those secret, secret places? I did not want to initially, but then I remembered always praying God would keep me humble and there is no doubt I have remained humble in all this or should I say humiliated as well.
I have been on a 'deathbed' for awhile now and just like Shamar, I have been struggling to live, but there is no chance that I can continue to live. I need to be injected and killed. So that is what I am doing...waiting to fully die because death means resurrection and that is the ultimate goal after all is said and done.
All this may sound nice and dandy, but there is something missing--action. I can talk a good talk, but when it becomes crunch time, where am I then? See, I am a man. I am a good man. I have vision from God and have heard His voice clearly. However, I have been inactive for a little while. I have not been moving forward all fast and furiously like. I have been moving like a snail. That is not too, too bad either; at least there is some movement.
For now I will speak less, and act more. I need to get some true stability in my life. Income, career, ministry, vision etc. I have talked about these things and now is the time for movement and action. I have an idea of where God is moving me towards and I will just finally take that step of faith and move. This is big for me. I have played life to carefree like and never wanted to take up the full responsibility of being a man. Now, it's either move or just be another statistic.
I am dying and am still waiting for my injection to death so that I may be resurrected and truly a man. However, I have now taken life more seriously and am talking up all of this responsibility and will work towards making my career and future secure and stable. It may take a bit of time, but I am not worried for God is with me. I am already in His hands. I have already willingly laid my life down for Him and am waiting for His final injection and my subsequent resurrection which will not only bring me life, but life to others as well.
I will stop in a minute with my long note. For actions always speak louder than words and my words will only fall on deaf ears and blind eyes if there is no action. So if you happen to see me around and notice I am strangely quiet or more serious don't be worried for I will still have my playful moments and my fun times, but right now I need to make sure that even though the times of fun and play are there, I will also have the times of seriousness which actually occur more than I show. Right now I have prioritized my life and attitude to take action. Don't worry if you see me silent or serious, but know that this is necessary to take action.
I am not saying I am becoming dull or boring. No, I am a man already and I will stop pretending to be a boy to win others' approval. For far too long I have tried to measure up to what I though Phoenix wanted and cut myself down to be what I thought she wanted me to be. Now I will just be me--someone who is very serious and carefree and fun, yet mature whose direction is certain and there will be less talk; more action. Perhaps then Phoenix will see the real me and not the Chris who has been trying to impress her. She is my friend and that's all. I will definitely be the best friend I can be for her and everyone I know.
LESS TALK; MORE ACTION
Well, i learned something this last week. My bestest friend's cat fell from her third story window and was injured greatly. I received a call from her at 6:30AM. She was sobbing and groaning and I knew something traumatic had just occurred. I couldn't make sense of anything she was trying to tell me. Then the Vet Doc got on the phone and told me how Shamar (the cat) had broken her front, right paw and was having trouble breathing and had a possible broken back. Phoenix asked me to come and say goodbye as I had encouraged her to put Shamar to sleep.
It took me about an hour to get there. When I entered to room I saw Shamar looking intently into Phoenix's eyes and Phoenix's bloody hands gently stroking her. Phoenix immediately broke in to tears and I knew there would be no comforting her. I said my goodbye to Shamar and the the Vet Doc came in and asked Phoenix to sign a waver to put Shamar down and she hesitated for a few minutes and finally signed and cried and weeped.
The Doc shaved Shamar's left paw around the ankle to find the vein so he could make his injection. Then he injected the stuff and within a second Shamar was gone. Then, Phoenix scooped her dead baby up into her arms and wept and wept and wept so loud and so long. I cried and cried and we both stood there in the room as this cat had now died. She was not even 6 months old. There was nothing that could be done to save her; there was nothing except death waiting in the wings for the approval to come and snatch Shamar from life.
This still pains me today. Dreams come at night as I am there trying to save this wonderful cat. I cannot, and I fail every time I dream it. It has shook me to the core. Cats just don't fall off the building like that. I know God has allowed this to happen for certain reasons and has been teaching me loads.
See, Shamar's name is Hebrew for 'watchman'. There is something symbolic here that I would like to try to explain. See, I am a watchman for our children's Sunday school--Kidz 4 Christ. I am meant to take up prayer and intercession and look after this group and cover them so that they are all protected. I take this role very seriously.
However, after the events that happened with Phoenix a month or so earlier had left me damaged and dying. God had exposed some faulty foundations in my life and had shaken my life down to the core to let me see what my life was at its rawness. This has been the most painful thing of my life up to this point. Who wants to see all that raw ugliness inside themselves? Who wants to truly let God's light shine on into those secret, secret places? I did not want to initially, but then I remembered always praying God would keep me humble and there is no doubt I have remained humble in all this or should I say humiliated as well.
I have been on a 'deathbed' for awhile now and just like Shamar, I have been struggling to live, but there is no chance that I can continue to live. I need to be injected and killed. So that is what I am doing...waiting to fully die because death means resurrection and that is the ultimate goal after all is said and done.
All this may sound nice and dandy, but there is something missing--action. I can talk a good talk, but when it becomes crunch time, where am I then? See, I am a man. I am a good man. I have vision from God and have heard His voice clearly. However, I have been inactive for a little while. I have not been moving forward all fast and furiously like. I have been moving like a snail. That is not too, too bad either; at least there is some movement.
For now I will speak less, and act more. I need to get some true stability in my life. Income, career, ministry, vision etc. I have talked about these things and now is the time for movement and action. I have an idea of where God is moving me towards and I will just finally take that step of faith and move. This is big for me. I have played life to carefree like and never wanted to take up the full responsibility of being a man. Now, it's either move or just be another statistic.
I am dying and am still waiting for my injection to death so that I may be resurrected and truly a man. However, I have now taken life more seriously and am talking up all of this responsibility and will work towards making my career and future secure and stable. It may take a bit of time, but I am not worried for God is with me. I am already in His hands. I have already willingly laid my life down for Him and am waiting for His final injection and my subsequent resurrection which will not only bring me life, but life to others as well.
I will stop in a minute with my long note. For actions always speak louder than words and my words will only fall on deaf ears and blind eyes if there is no action. So if you happen to see me around and notice I am strangely quiet or more serious don't be worried for I will still have my playful moments and my fun times, but right now I need to make sure that even though the times of fun and play are there, I will also have the times of seriousness which actually occur more than I show. Right now I have prioritized my life and attitude to take action. Don't worry if you see me silent or serious, but know that this is necessary to take action.
I am not saying I am becoming dull or boring. No, I am a man already and I will stop pretending to be a boy to win others' approval. For far too long I have tried to measure up to what I though Phoenix wanted and cut myself down to be what I thought she wanted me to be. Now I will just be me--someone who is very serious and carefree and fun, yet mature whose direction is certain and there will be less talk; more action. Perhaps then Phoenix will see the real me and not the Chris who has been trying to impress her. She is my friend and that's all. I will definitely be the best friend I can be for her and everyone I know.
LESS TALK; MORE ACTION
Friday, February 15, 2008
Heartbroken! Now what?
I am broken. I am hurting. I am blah!
What happened? Everything was going on so nicely. Everything was good--then God asked me to stand up and be a man. Yes, that's when it all started. I have been in an amazing friendship with a young lady and it has been wonderful. We hung out lots and ate together and watched movies together and had developed a deep, caring relationship for one another. We basically had a dating relationship without the label or anything like that. It was up and down, but overall was good.
I decided to either set some boundaries (guidelines) in friendship or date. Well, we decided to fast and pray for a week and then meet again and talk with our pastor and elder. When the time came she said 'yes' but with tears and wasn't really excited or happy about it. So we decided that I would just wait for her to work through some things and then perhaps later she would be ok maybe to date as she does like me. Well, I was on my way doing my thing and then at the end of that week she tells me she wants to date me and is happy and excited to do so. I let it sit for a week and then was shocked that at our next meeting she said she wasn't ready to date. It was heartbreaking.
I have prayed and fasted many a time on this. I don't just get into relationships with anyone. I really like her and am happy with our friendship, but seriously I wanted to go up another level, but that can't happen and I don't know when that will happen if it will happen.
The good thing that came out of this was word God gave to a man for me who had no idea what was happening in our relationship. He said that right now was not the time to be seeking a life partner. The timing was not right. That joy should be there when getting into a dating relationship. Now, even before we started to fast this was the word. It was a bit haunting, but I figured it was right, but how much time. It wasn't a word that said that this girl was not the girl to date, but it was one that said the timing wasn't right.
Well, in the end I must admit that God is right on this matter and that word supersedes any words that God has spoken to me in the past. However I am struggling with how to proceed. Do I just lay it all down and move on with life without hope of ever getting together with this girl or should I just move on with all of this in the back of my head and hold out some hope knowing that she does like me, but just isn't in a position to date right now, but could be later on in maybe 6 months or earlier or I dunno. Just trying to figure out what to do...to move on or just wait a bit longer. I really do love this girl and know if she works through some things in her life she would be so amazing and unstoppable and I don't want to miss that.
But right now I am hurting so bad. A hope differed makes the heart sick. And my heart is sick. I covered this in prayer. I fasted and prayed and only did my best to walk in this rightly and yet in the end I am hurt and have cried so many tears and so hard that I have thrown up. My joy is gone--my smile fails to appear and I am lost and depleted of all my energy. I want to be loved and appreciated and desired and still at this stage in my life.
I guess I am still not ready for a relationship at this stage in life, but do know that later down the road this girl is first choice. After all, we are the best of friends. We are great together, and maybe I pressed this issue too much and lost.
Why must I feel so painful? Why is this so hard for me to accept? Why can't I just move on? I really believe that she is the ONE, but I must put all of that aside and just be the best friend I can be to her. Anything less of more at this point would not be good.
So I endure the pain and try my best to keep walking, but I can't walk and need Jesus to carry me. My strength is gone and my heart torn. It's kinda funny that she once told me that she thought she would lose her smile by sucking it up and dating me even though she wasn't ready, and now my smile has been lost and no joy remains inside. Who would have thought laying one's life down for a friend would hurt so much. I guess I thought it would be like a bullet in the head and then it would be over, but now I realize that it is more like torture.
The other thing I am struggling with is moving past all this and hoping one day it will come back or should I just really get on with life and not give it a second thought and just bless her as a sister in Christ? You know, it's kinda both really...I do need to keep moving forward, but still don't want to miss out on all the good that will come from all of this. I really don't want to see her keep growing and end up with some other dude who gets blessed beyond measure for something that I have put my heart into, but I guess free-will can just be downright nasty, but in the end it is better for her to choose me rather than feel like she is being pushed into something.
I really need prayer right now, and should just meet with God, but even that is so hard. Kinda keep wishing the phone would ring and she would be there on the other side even if it's for nothing other than asking me an English question or something about Sunday School, but it doesn't and that's ok.
How can I keep moving on. I suppose God has shown me how much I really was wrapped up in her as opposed to Christ. Perhaps I am not as strong and not as mature as I thought I was. Maybe I thought I was more of a man than I thought. Who knows? All I know is that it hurts and hurts and hurts and I can't have her know that for some reason. I can't have her worry about me. I can't let her feel she has done something wrong when she has done nothing wrong.
Time will heal the hurt, but will time prove God's word to me? I guess only time will tell and I really hate waiting for time.
What happened? Everything was going on so nicely. Everything was good--then God asked me to stand up and be a man. Yes, that's when it all started. I have been in an amazing friendship with a young lady and it has been wonderful. We hung out lots and ate together and watched movies together and had developed a deep, caring relationship for one another. We basically had a dating relationship without the label or anything like that. It was up and down, but overall was good.
I decided to either set some boundaries (guidelines) in friendship or date. Well, we decided to fast and pray for a week and then meet again and talk with our pastor and elder. When the time came she said 'yes' but with tears and wasn't really excited or happy about it. So we decided that I would just wait for her to work through some things and then perhaps later she would be ok maybe to date as she does like me. Well, I was on my way doing my thing and then at the end of that week she tells me she wants to date me and is happy and excited to do so. I let it sit for a week and then was shocked that at our next meeting she said she wasn't ready to date. It was heartbreaking.
I have prayed and fasted many a time on this. I don't just get into relationships with anyone. I really like her and am happy with our friendship, but seriously I wanted to go up another level, but that can't happen and I don't know when that will happen if it will happen.
The good thing that came out of this was word God gave to a man for me who had no idea what was happening in our relationship. He said that right now was not the time to be seeking a life partner. The timing was not right. That joy should be there when getting into a dating relationship. Now, even before we started to fast this was the word. It was a bit haunting, but I figured it was right, but how much time. It wasn't a word that said that this girl was not the girl to date, but it was one that said the timing wasn't right.
Well, in the end I must admit that God is right on this matter and that word supersedes any words that God has spoken to me in the past. However I am struggling with how to proceed. Do I just lay it all down and move on with life without hope of ever getting together with this girl or should I just move on with all of this in the back of my head and hold out some hope knowing that she does like me, but just isn't in a position to date right now, but could be later on in maybe 6 months or earlier or I dunno. Just trying to figure out what to do...to move on or just wait a bit longer. I really do love this girl and know if she works through some things in her life she would be so amazing and unstoppable and I don't want to miss that.
But right now I am hurting so bad. A hope differed makes the heart sick. And my heart is sick. I covered this in prayer. I fasted and prayed and only did my best to walk in this rightly and yet in the end I am hurt and have cried so many tears and so hard that I have thrown up. My joy is gone--my smile fails to appear and I am lost and depleted of all my energy. I want to be loved and appreciated and desired and still at this stage in my life.
I guess I am still not ready for a relationship at this stage in life, but do know that later down the road this girl is first choice. After all, we are the best of friends. We are great together, and maybe I pressed this issue too much and lost.
Why must I feel so painful? Why is this so hard for me to accept? Why can't I just move on? I really believe that she is the ONE, but I must put all of that aside and just be the best friend I can be to her. Anything less of more at this point would not be good.
So I endure the pain and try my best to keep walking, but I can't walk and need Jesus to carry me. My strength is gone and my heart torn. It's kinda funny that she once told me that she thought she would lose her smile by sucking it up and dating me even though she wasn't ready, and now my smile has been lost and no joy remains inside. Who would have thought laying one's life down for a friend would hurt so much. I guess I thought it would be like a bullet in the head and then it would be over, but now I realize that it is more like torture.
The other thing I am struggling with is moving past all this and hoping one day it will come back or should I just really get on with life and not give it a second thought and just bless her as a sister in Christ? You know, it's kinda both really...I do need to keep moving forward, but still don't want to miss out on all the good that will come from all of this. I really don't want to see her keep growing and end up with some other dude who gets blessed beyond measure for something that I have put my heart into, but I guess free-will can just be downright nasty, but in the end it is better for her to choose me rather than feel like she is being pushed into something.
I really need prayer right now, and should just meet with God, but even that is so hard. Kinda keep wishing the phone would ring and she would be there on the other side even if it's for nothing other than asking me an English question or something about Sunday School, but it doesn't and that's ok.
How can I keep moving on. I suppose God has shown me how much I really was wrapped up in her as opposed to Christ. Perhaps I am not as strong and not as mature as I thought I was. Maybe I thought I was more of a man than I thought. Who knows? All I know is that it hurts and hurts and hurts and I can't have her know that for some reason. I can't have her worry about me. I can't let her feel she has done something wrong when she has done nothing wrong.
Time will heal the hurt, but will time prove God's word to me? I guess only time will tell and I really hate waiting for time.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
A Poem from the Heart
He said, "Lay down and die."
So I bit my lip, let out a cry.
"Why oh why? Why must I die?"
Tears dripping down my face not dry.
So I laid down upon that place.
Betting all I have upon grace,
And then I waited and waited more
And a burden then struck me to the core.
I laid down upon that rock
And patiently checked the clock.
I wanted desperately to arise,
Yet laid there awaiting the prize.
And still I lay and wait for death.
Wondering when it will be my last breath.
You said You wanted for me to die,
Yet why won't You come and let me die?
I am not distressed at what You say.
Will Your promises come true today?
Why must I wait and wait and wait
For a harvest I know that is not late?
Why must my heart continue to break?
How much more of this can I take?
When will you come and kill me so?
When will this burden be let go?
I know it is soon and I know I can wait,
But please be timely and don't be late.
My heart has had its fill of this pain,
So please be gentle so I don't go insane.
I know You speak and I have heard
Many wonderful things; Your Word.
But I now am doubting if its true.
I am just being honest with You.
I am on that rock in that place
Still searching for a glimpse of Your face.
Still waiting upon your Word;
The Word which you promised and I heard.
I have died. I have died. I have died,
Yet I live and I live and I have cried
Too many tears and fasted too many meals,
And all I want is to just be healed.
Not just that, but there is a lot more.
And you know my heart; my face upon floor
Can You just do what You promised?
Can You just please do what You promised?
I am hurting laying and waiting.
It is painful to just wait waiting.
But I will still look to You
For there is nothing I can do.
I can only lay here on this rock.
Knowing one day I will see the clock
And You will say, "Arise now and live."
And I will stand with a heart healed to live.
So I will wait and wait and wait
For as long as this will take.
My heart is Yours; my life is Yours
My soul is Yours; my all is Yours.
I will cry more tears
Releasing my fears.
I will fast more meals
And chase You for reals.
I am Yours so have Your way.
There is nothing You cannot say.
I am ready now oh so ready now.
Do what You will; do what You will.
So I bit my lip, let out a cry.
"Why oh why? Why must I die?"
Tears dripping down my face not dry.
So I laid down upon that place.
Betting all I have upon grace,
And then I waited and waited more
And a burden then struck me to the core.
I laid down upon that rock
And patiently checked the clock.
I wanted desperately to arise,
Yet laid there awaiting the prize.
And still I lay and wait for death.
Wondering when it will be my last breath.
You said You wanted for me to die,
Yet why won't You come and let me die?
I am not distressed at what You say.
Will Your promises come true today?
Why must I wait and wait and wait
For a harvest I know that is not late?
Why must my heart continue to break?
How much more of this can I take?
When will you come and kill me so?
When will this burden be let go?
I know it is soon and I know I can wait,
But please be timely and don't be late.
My heart has had its fill of this pain,
So please be gentle so I don't go insane.
I know You speak and I have heard
Many wonderful things; Your Word.
But I now am doubting if its true.
I am just being honest with You.
I am on that rock in that place
Still searching for a glimpse of Your face.
Still waiting upon your Word;
The Word which you promised and I heard.
I have died. I have died. I have died,
Yet I live and I live and I have cried
Too many tears and fasted too many meals,
And all I want is to just be healed.
Not just that, but there is a lot more.
And you know my heart; my face upon floor
Can You just do what You promised?
Can You just please do what You promised?
I am hurting laying and waiting.
It is painful to just wait waiting.
But I will still look to You
For there is nothing I can do.
I can only lay here on this rock.
Knowing one day I will see the clock
And You will say, "Arise now and live."
And I will stand with a heart healed to live.
So I will wait and wait and wait
For as long as this will take.
My heart is Yours; my life is Yours
My soul is Yours; my all is Yours.
I will cry more tears
Releasing my fears.
I will fast more meals
And chase You for reals.
I am Yours so have Your way.
There is nothing You cannot say.
I am ready now oh so ready now.
Do what You will; do what You will.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Stand Up and Fight!
Tick-tock-Tick-tock--the clock keeps ticking and time continues to find its path forward. There is no living unless it is called TODAY. Time has not stopped and neither should I! Time waits for no man, yet millions have wasted their lives by stopping when time did not. Millions have stayed put and not moved forward because at a point in time, they became hurt and feared feeling that pain again and stayed in their place of "comfort" for just a little longer and then just a little more longer and then a month became a few months, then a few months became a year and a year became a few years and a few years became ten years and ten years became twenty and so on.
I have experienced so much pain in my life, I never knew if I could know what real joy and real peace and real happiness really is. There are times when I think this is the life, but it's not even close to that. Life has passed by a few times and I have been stuck in a position of pain more than once. I so hate that I know there are wasted years in my life due to me not being able move forward. And what's more than that...I didn't know how to move forward. It really hurts when all one wants is to keep moving, but can't due to lack of knowledge and wisdom.
Right now there is an intense amount of pressure and responsibility on me. I feel it and when I begin to think about it, I just feel like hiding some place where no one can find me and sometimes just feel like committing crimes or something in order to not feel the pressure. Let me clarify that this was me before. As in, before I recognized my life as a son of God.
Today, I had a revelation! The enemy has been defeated! Death couldn't hold You down! I'm gonna life my voice in victory. Gonna make Your praises loud! SHOUT OUT TO GOD WITH A VOICE OF TRIUMPH!!!! SHOUT OUT TO GOD WITH A VOICE OF PRAISE!!!! I lift your Name up! I realized that for those years that I felt were wasted was because I had the wrong mindset. I was not proactive in securing my freedom--even when I did not know what to do. Even if I didn't know what to do, I could have just kept fighting and fighting even though I knew I was getting beat up. However, I decided to just get knocked out so as to not even feel anything or fight. Plus, it was a good excuse--who is gonna pressure a man to keep moving and fighting after he has been knocked out? No many even godly men would do that.
Today I realized that I have to fight even if my big butt is taking a beating! Even if I am near death and cannot let up--I cannot give up and just let the enemy walk all over me and my friends and the ministry He has entrusted me with along with all the leaders and people who are involved in that ministry. Fight and beat back the enemy because the enemy HAS BEEN defeated and VICTORY has already occurred--I am just walking out the process of what has already happened.
I know this sounds like a bit much, but I believe every word of it. There is no way I can sit down and get knocked out again and waste more years. I am not a boy anymore. I am a MAN! A MAN I SAY! I am not some little boy who can't tie his shoes, but I am a man who has been entrusted with people whose very life seems to depend on my actions.
I have prayed and have asked God to steady my heart...to steady my mind...and to steady my whole being. There is nothing worse than a man with whom you cannot feel secure with because he is all over the place. God has given me authority, power, and covering and I will use wisdom and discretion to lead.
Feelings can come and feelings go, but God remains the same forever. I feel so much pressure and may continue to feel that pressure, but that doesn't mean the WORD is not true. It just means life will be hard, but joy can be found in obedience. I have laid everything down at the foot of the cross. I have given up all my dreams and hopes and desires. And I now stand and defend those whom God has entrusted me with.
It is scary, but the reward, though might not be on earth, is so worth spending myself for. I gladly suffer crazy "feelings" in order that others may be free and know Jesus and know Life and how to live it to the fullest. I have decided that I will not seek my own desires, but the wellbeing of others. I want to spend my life for the freedom of others even if it means me suffering a bit so that they can see their freedom.
I have lived too long with ME in front. I now want to only be lead by Jesus and if others follow...then so be it, but only as long as they follow to see Jesus!
If you read this and are stuggling--just stand up and fight! If you don't know the way or how to fight--ask God for wisdom and He WILL give it to you. Let me help too if you want. I will stand in the gap in prayer and will go and intercede on your behalf.
KEEP FIGHTING! KEEP CHASING! NEVER STOP AND GIVE UP!
When this happens--I will have the pleasure of spending eternity with you! So wonderful!
I have experienced so much pain in my life, I never knew if I could know what real joy and real peace and real happiness really is. There are times when I think this is the life, but it's not even close to that. Life has passed by a few times and I have been stuck in a position of pain more than once. I so hate that I know there are wasted years in my life due to me not being able move forward. And what's more than that...I didn't know how to move forward. It really hurts when all one wants is to keep moving, but can't due to lack of knowledge and wisdom.
Right now there is an intense amount of pressure and responsibility on me. I feel it and when I begin to think about it, I just feel like hiding some place where no one can find me and sometimes just feel like committing crimes or something in order to not feel the pressure. Let me clarify that this was me before. As in, before I recognized my life as a son of God.
Today, I had a revelation! The enemy has been defeated! Death couldn't hold You down! I'm gonna life my voice in victory. Gonna make Your praises loud! SHOUT OUT TO GOD WITH A VOICE OF TRIUMPH!!!! SHOUT OUT TO GOD WITH A VOICE OF PRAISE!!!! I lift your Name up! I realized that for those years that I felt were wasted was because I had the wrong mindset. I was not proactive in securing my freedom--even when I did not know what to do. Even if I didn't know what to do, I could have just kept fighting and fighting even though I knew I was getting beat up. However, I decided to just get knocked out so as to not even feel anything or fight. Plus, it was a good excuse--who is gonna pressure a man to keep moving and fighting after he has been knocked out? No many even godly men would do that.
Today I realized that I have to fight even if my big butt is taking a beating! Even if I am near death and cannot let up--I cannot give up and just let the enemy walk all over me and my friends and the ministry He has entrusted me with along with all the leaders and people who are involved in that ministry. Fight and beat back the enemy because the enemy HAS BEEN defeated and VICTORY has already occurred--I am just walking out the process of what has already happened.
I know this sounds like a bit much, but I believe every word of it. There is no way I can sit down and get knocked out again and waste more years. I am not a boy anymore. I am a MAN! A MAN I SAY! I am not some little boy who can't tie his shoes, but I am a man who has been entrusted with people whose very life seems to depend on my actions.
I have prayed and have asked God to steady my heart...to steady my mind...and to steady my whole being. There is nothing worse than a man with whom you cannot feel secure with because he is all over the place. God has given me authority, power, and covering and I will use wisdom and discretion to lead.
Feelings can come and feelings go, but God remains the same forever. I feel so much pressure and may continue to feel that pressure, but that doesn't mean the WORD is not true. It just means life will be hard, but joy can be found in obedience. I have laid everything down at the foot of the cross. I have given up all my dreams and hopes and desires. And I now stand and defend those whom God has entrusted me with.
It is scary, but the reward, though might not be on earth, is so worth spending myself for. I gladly suffer crazy "feelings" in order that others may be free and know Jesus and know Life and how to live it to the fullest. I have decided that I will not seek my own desires, but the wellbeing of others. I want to spend my life for the freedom of others even if it means me suffering a bit so that they can see their freedom.
I have lived too long with ME in front. I now want to only be lead by Jesus and if others follow...then so be it, but only as long as they follow to see Jesus!
If you read this and are stuggling--just stand up and fight! If you don't know the way or how to fight--ask God for wisdom and He WILL give it to you. Let me help too if you want. I will stand in the gap in prayer and will go and intercede on your behalf.
KEEP FIGHTING! KEEP CHASING! NEVER STOP AND GIVE UP!
When this happens--I will have the pleasure of spending eternity with you! So wonderful!
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Lay Down and Die?
So there is this huge heaviness I am carrying around with me. It started out really small a couple weeks before I left for England and has grown into a huge burden that I am carrying around. There seems to be no way of escaping it. I have no idea how to go about dealing with it. See, God has called me to lay down and die--in a manner of speaking. He has told me to lay on the alter much like Issac and not move.
I really want to lay down and die because I know that is the only way one can actually live, yet I just have heaviness. I just have pain. I just have emptiness and loneliness. Of course, these are the thing I feel and doesn't necessarily mean I AM these things--I just feel these things; and I hate feeling this burden.
I don't know how to get rid of it really. People would say just do it--lay it down. Believe me I have tried everything. I have been on my knees in tears and brokeness before God. I have prayed in the Spirit time and time again. I have worshiped and drawn near to God and, yet there is this pain and aching inside that feels like depression, yet not depression. I know it is not depression because the feeling is in my stomach, not my heart. I know the Spirit dwells (so to speak) in the stomach region and have learned to recognize what is of the Spirit and what it of the flesh. And generally the feelings in the stomach is not always bad, but if it is in the heart/upper chest area it' not good--so I have come to understand.
I have been on my knees praying and crying out to God and the pain remains. I have written everything that I feel like I am holding on to...all my fears, anxiety, hurts and pains, and future, desires, hopes and dreams. I prayed over it and crumpled it up and beat it and then burned it! And still nothing! I even vomited today while praying and still this burden just keeps following me around.
Perhaps I am feeling just a little of what Job felt...having that same burden, yet the physical pain as well as the pain of the loss of his family and then of course his 'friends' who added to his burden and yet he still worshiped and honored God even saying.. "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him." Job 13:15
Or maybe a little part of this burden Joseph. When he was sold into slavery by his own family, falsely accused and sent to prison, and then forgotten by those whom he helped. Yes, his was a burden and I cannot say this can compare to either of them or let alone the burden Jesus carried and felt.
Still, this is so hard to carry. I want to lay it all down and have laid down and died. I just can't shake this feeling. I have asked God to just take the burden from me, yet I still walk in it and don't understand it. I have finally asked God to just take it from me. Actually, it seems like something is being birthed. Not that I have ever given birth to a baby, but I am told that it is like the final moments from when the pain is at its zenith and then the baby is born.
God has broken me and I'll I want is to be spent for Him. To abide in Him, and yet there is this cloud over me and I am questioning my very loyalty to the King who has redeemed me. I feel like there is something wrong with me and can't shake it. That there is something I am holding back, but there can't be because I just want to die cause I know that's when I will truly live. So why is this happening? Why am I feeling this way? Why has this feeling...this burden not lifted from me? What must I do to regain this peace that was once oh so sweet?
Even though I have not idea how to lay down and die properly, I will still hope in the Lord. Nothing can separate me from His love. I am His and He is mine, and I know that this too shall pass and I will await my rescue from the lord. I will await the embrace of the King for "You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes..." Song of Solomon 4:9
It is my desire to give it all--my life, my dreams, my desires all to God. I want to lay it down and have done so. I only want to be obedient to the King and my Father. How can I run for him where could I go? "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. (Psalm 139: 7-8) I cannot hide and my heart is transparent and laid bare before Him.
I thought that I would be better after writing this, but I guess there is some timing involved in God's plan here. I am wrestling and doing everything I have been taught to do and it is not helping, so I will just continue to persist in prayer and wait upon the LORD. Just because I fell this way does not mean God is not Who He says He is. No, he IS Faithful and Loyal and a Wonderful Father and a Just and Merciful King. I will still praise Him and I will still follow Him and serve others and love others even if I feel this way for a long time...perhaps the rest of my life. However, there is a still a peace that comes when I think of how this will be resolved because I know My Daddy is a good God and will not let me suffer more than I can bear!
So I will keep pressing in and pressing onward because I know that "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." (Galatians 2:20) I will overcome and will come out of this when God decides to take this burden from me. Please Pray for me!
I really want to lay down and die because I know that is the only way one can actually live, yet I just have heaviness. I just have pain. I just have emptiness and loneliness. Of course, these are the thing I feel and doesn't necessarily mean I AM these things--I just feel these things; and I hate feeling this burden.
I don't know how to get rid of it really. People would say just do it--lay it down. Believe me I have tried everything. I have been on my knees in tears and brokeness before God. I have prayed in the Spirit time and time again. I have worshiped and drawn near to God and, yet there is this pain and aching inside that feels like depression, yet not depression. I know it is not depression because the feeling is in my stomach, not my heart. I know the Spirit dwells (so to speak) in the stomach region and have learned to recognize what is of the Spirit and what it of the flesh. And generally the feelings in the stomach is not always bad, but if it is in the heart/upper chest area it' not good--so I have come to understand.
I have been on my knees praying and crying out to God and the pain remains. I have written everything that I feel like I am holding on to...all my fears, anxiety, hurts and pains, and future, desires, hopes and dreams. I prayed over it and crumpled it up and beat it and then burned it! And still nothing! I even vomited today while praying and still this burden just keeps following me around.
Perhaps I am feeling just a little of what Job felt...having that same burden, yet the physical pain as well as the pain of the loss of his family and then of course his 'friends' who added to his burden and yet he still worshiped and honored God even saying.. "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him." Job 13:15
Or maybe a little part of this burden Joseph. When he was sold into slavery by his own family, falsely accused and sent to prison, and then forgotten by those whom he helped. Yes, his was a burden and I cannot say this can compare to either of them or let alone the burden Jesus carried and felt.
Still, this is so hard to carry. I want to lay it all down and have laid down and died. I just can't shake this feeling. I have asked God to just take the burden from me, yet I still walk in it and don't understand it. I have finally asked God to just take it from me. Actually, it seems like something is being birthed. Not that I have ever given birth to a baby, but I am told that it is like the final moments from when the pain is at its zenith and then the baby is born.
God has broken me and I'll I want is to be spent for Him. To abide in Him, and yet there is this cloud over me and I am questioning my very loyalty to the King who has redeemed me. I feel like there is something wrong with me and can't shake it. That there is something I am holding back, but there can't be because I just want to die cause I know that's when I will truly live. So why is this happening? Why am I feeling this way? Why has this feeling...this burden not lifted from me? What must I do to regain this peace that was once oh so sweet?
Even though I have not idea how to lay down and die properly, I will still hope in the Lord. Nothing can separate me from His love. I am His and He is mine, and I know that this too shall pass and I will await my rescue from the lord. I will await the embrace of the King for "You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes..." Song of Solomon 4:9
It is my desire to give it all--my life, my dreams, my desires all to God. I want to lay it down and have done so. I only want to be obedient to the King and my Father. How can I run for him where could I go? "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. (Psalm 139: 7-8) I cannot hide and my heart is transparent and laid bare before Him.
I thought that I would be better after writing this, but I guess there is some timing involved in God's plan here. I am wrestling and doing everything I have been taught to do and it is not helping, so I will just continue to persist in prayer and wait upon the LORD. Just because I fell this way does not mean God is not Who He says He is. No, he IS Faithful and Loyal and a Wonderful Father and a Just and Merciful King. I will still praise Him and I will still follow Him and serve others and love others even if I feel this way for a long time...perhaps the rest of my life. However, there is a still a peace that comes when I think of how this will be resolved because I know My Daddy is a good God and will not let me suffer more than I can bear!
So I will keep pressing in and pressing onward because I know that "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." (Galatians 2:20) I will overcome and will come out of this when God decides to take this burden from me. Please Pray for me!
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