Freedom and friends!

So it has been too long since I have updated my thoughts on life. Too long since I have sat down to express what God has been doing in my life. I am ready to share a little bit now with more bits and pieces in the future. I promise.

So I am going to first start by sharing something that most people don't dare share. It's something that hurt me deeply and set my life on a course that God never intended for me to take. Yes, this world is a scary place with people who harm one another every day and have no hope cause they do not know the Hope for which they were called to.

When I was around 5 years old I was sexually abused by my Grandfather. I only recall it ever happening once, yet one time was all that was needed for me to grow up and struggle with things and feeling and issues in my life that were not 'normal'. My whole view of normal was skewed by that act alone.

A few years later, something not as as 'bad', but similar happened with my step-grandmother. Yes, those people are bad people and hurt me deeply. All I can remember since I could remember was shame, hurt, anger, rage and a whole host of emotions. I had always assumed life was this way.

I grew up as a a pastor's kid and had loving parents and a good environment, yet life wasn't right. I had been violated and hated that feeling. I never spoke of it and tried my best to forget the little I could remember. For 20 some years I have been living with this in my life. I have been always working my hardest to make God love me or something. Pain, and pain and more pain. Hatred, anger, rage and feeling of worthlessness and shame--oh the guilt and shame I felt.

But....

Now I am as free as a bird singing songs to the King on a perfect spring day! I have overcome and have been set free by the King! The anger and rage and hatred are gone, and instead forgiveness, joy and love have replaced it. I am tasting life for the first time or so it seems. I am not saying I haven't felt some semblance of freedom throughout my life. I have always had a strong desire to follow God and have broken through on other things, yet I knew there was this glass ceiling all around and I couldn't figure out how to get free.

God has shown up and I saw this vision after I was able to forgive and lose the shame and guilt. I was standing under a waterfall naked just soaking in the life and cleanliness of the water when some angels came and began to scrub me clean. It was a wonderful sight seeing the blackness of shame turn to a pure, whiteness of innocence. They placed a robe of white on me and Jesus arrived. He was holding a mantle or sash of some sort. He placed it over me and said, "This is the Mantle of Manhood. Now you are a man. You are now able to receive love properly and give love properly." I was so excited and knew I was loved.

No longer will I have to try and strive for love or attention--God will freely give it to me whenever I ask. And he has when I have asked sine then. I no longer am worried about finding someone who will love me in spite of me--cause God has loved me already and He alone will give me a mate whom he deems right and worthy. I am not worried about that at all. I am singing and loving life on a whole other level. I never knew life could be so sweet.

You know, I had a thought about everything that was stolen from me and how the last 20 odd years have been wasted. It was only a thought cause then I remembered how God will redeem the time and the next 40 or 60 years of my life will be blessed and is blessed 100 fold. God doesn't waste anything. I know my future is secure and God is providing me more than I can ever imagine. He has already blessed me with a friend who has really challenged me by her lifestyle and character to keep chasing Him. What an amazing God. Who is this King of Glory? the LORD strong and mighty. So open up you heavenly gates and let the King of Glory in.

If you are reading this and are looking for your freedom--CHASE HIM! Never stop chasing Him--NEVER!! You will catch Him or should I say He will catch you! Thank God He is God or we would all be in pain and hurt without hope. He has set me free and now He is calling me to help others find their freedom in Christ, and I have answered that call. AMEN and AMEN!

Finally Back and Stonger Than Ever!

So I have been gone for awhile--had to get away and smell life once again. See, I have been hurt by people and friends and I still love them. I just needed time to digest and heal from wounds. If there is anything I have learned in life, it that people will always let me down. People will never be perfect and will fail. It's the nature of life. Sometimes we don't know when we will be hurt, it comes unexpectedly, yet God knows it is happening. God knows and allows it. It is my responsibility to respond correctly to such pain and hurt.

I know it hasn't been easy, but what is life--a beach with white sand and perfect temperatures where paradise is non-stop? Not even close. Life is work...life is pain...life is joyful...full of sorrow, and sometimes regret...full of adventure and exhilarating and life-changing experiences that are followed by dismal dismay and utter pain. Life is full of good and bad surprises. My mom told me that life is really 10% circumstantial--things that happen to me. And the other 90% of life is how we respond to the 10%.

I am convinced that God is more interested in how we respond to Him, people who annoy us, people who we dislike, and the rest of things we could not plan for. The journey is always more important than the final result. Though the destination is what we are moving towards, I believe God considers that nothing compared to us experiencing the journey of living life day to day. God is amazing and His love has captivated my heart. I have been beaten down and hurt by friends, but it has not destroyed me. I have been hurt, but the pain is gone. I have been tossed aside and kicked while down on the ground lying powerless, yet God has never once dropped me or once let go of His grip on me. God has not gone anywhere and neither Have I. I have just needed time to let God heal me up and trust that His love conquers anything.

I have strengthened my feeble knees and have been running a long race. I have gathered good people around me to help encourage me on the long journey ahead. God has never let me down. God has never left me. God has never caused me any pain. He has been my Healer, my Restorer, my Life, my Lover, and my Father. There is no task too great or too hard for me to go through as long as He is with me.

My mom also told me the story of the wolves. There are two wolves inside each one of us. A good wolf and a bad wolf. Each wolf is fighting for out soul. "Do you know which one is going to win", I asked. She said, "The one you feed the most!" I was astounded and perplexed. I had always assumed growing up that good wolf would always win, but it is not so. If I am feeding the the food he desires, then he will grow strong and vice-versa with the bad wolf. However, the food that I feed each wolf is completely opposite. Only only one wolf will win. I am making the best effort to feed the good wolf and starve the bad wolf.

Another thing I learned that has had a profound impact on my life was learned this past week. I had a new friend I have just met in England who shared with myself and others about faith. It goes something like this: It is not about how little or how much faith we have...it is the object in which we place that faith. E.G. If there is a lake that is frozen over with only a thin layer of ice, it doesn't matter what the amount of faith is that I have put in that ice--I will fall through the ice if I set foot on it. I could have the biggest faith in the world, yet it would be to no avail if the object of my faith is fallible. However, if there is a lake that has been frozen over with a few feet of ice and is definitely sturdy--even a mustard seed of faith is all that is needed to walk upon that ice. It is not the huge amount of faith or small amount of faith that makes the difference, it is the OBJECT of our faith that matters the most.It is where we place our faith that makes the difference now how much faith we have. This statement has been digesting inside me ever since I heard it. Becky Fong, who shared this, truly has an understanding of God I would love to know. Thank God she shared this. I am forever changed.

I will never stop chasing Him. I will spend myself for the lost and for those who need to be built up in Christ. My life will be lived for and spent for the Lamb's reward.

Proven to Be True--God

God has proven Himself to me once again. Not that I ever doubted, but when God shows Himself to be right after being obedient, it does wonders for faith. I cannot tell you h0w wonderful my Father is. Well, let me try. For a few months now God has been really pressing me and shaking things in my life. This act has actually pushed me deeper into Himself.

I have always been afraid of pain, of being vulnerable, of being rejected by people and friends. I decided that I didn't want to live like that anymore and knew that if I wanted to get closer to God I was going to have to embrace pain and deal with my hurts and fears. I "cowboy-ed up" and bit the bullet. It has been the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life. My life is at peace, I know I am comforted, and I am blessed beyond what I would have thought could be possible.

I have learned that people are not constant; they make decisions and change their minds and rise and fall, flourish and whither, and the ebb and flow of life's currents pushes and pull them through things that are good, bad, beautiful and ugly. However, there is a constant--Jesus. I have come to know that to be the truth of the matter. It doesn't matter if people go to and fro and bob and weave through life cause Jesus is my Rock on whom I am standing.

I know that friends can hurt, but oh how sweet it is when they bless. God has proven that no matter what happens in my life, He will always be constant. He will always be there to comfort me when the hurts of friends or enemies sink in. He has proven that He can restore, and prevent, and bless friendships that are centered on Himself.

Friends are God's conduits for growth and maturity--a catalyst if you will. He delights in using relationships to show Himself. I love friends, and I love knowing Jesus loves me and my friends and delights in our relationships and teaches us through each other.

The the storm may rage outside, my heart is at perfect peace cause I know that my Redeemer lives and He pursues me with a passion that cannot be compared. I am my Beloveds and He is mine. It doesn't matter if friends hurt me or love me because my hope in not in them, my hope is in Christ. He is my Savior. I have learned that people just sometimes don't know what they want, but it just comes with time, and time sorts everything out in the end. I know God is for me and not against me, and I am for God and not against Him and will continue to practice simple obedience cause above all else God desires obedience. I just feel like stopping everything and just worshiping Him. He has captured my heart and holds it in His hand. One look and I am weak in the knees and must just honor Him. Thank you Jesus

You have captured my heart,
my treasure, my bride.
You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes,
with a single jewel of your necklace.
Your love delights me,
my treasure, my bride.
Your love is better than wine,
your perfume more fragrant than spices.

Song of Solomon 4:8-10 (New Living Translation)

Thursday Thirteen #1

Twelve Bones I Have Broken and Some Stitches Too

1. Broke my right arm at 5 years old. My brother WWF body slammed me to the ground. It hurt!

2. Four weeks after I got the plaster off that arm I fell of the monkey bars and broke my left arm. (did get to ride the firetruck to the hospital) That hurt too.

3. At 8 years old I tried to jump over a wire (the kind that are set up in parking lots to keep cars off the walking area), well...I missed and slammed my knee into the pavement. Cracked my knee-cap. The one hurt like crazy.

4. At 11 years old, I was playing American Football and did a cart-wheel in the air after getting hit. Land on my shoulder and broke my left clavicle (collar bone). So not fun!

5. The next year was playing American Football and got tripped before I caught the ball. My hand turned on me funny, and I broke my left wrist again. Played the next game without a plaster cause it was the championship game. We lost.

6. During cross country season the same year, I tried to jump over a guard rail on the road--and missed and broke my right clavicle (collar bone). Yeah, I know, pretty lame!

7. Playing basketball the next year. Went up for a rebound, came down (without the ball) and broke my left ankle.

8. A week later, I tripped on my plaster going down the stairs and end up breaking my left wrist again!

9. It gets better. I tried to play basketball with both my plasters on (with little kids). Turned funny on my right ankle and broke that poor ankle. I was then in a wheelchair with three plasters.

10. Moved to Hong Kong around 15 or 16 and was playing street ball. Broke my left ankle again.

11. Didn't do my physical therapy and broke my left ankle again a year later playing street ball on the same court. I know, I never learned.

12. Then, in University, I was playing a game of indoor Ultimate Frisbee and ran into the wall and broke my big, left toe. That was almost the worst cause you can't put the toe in a plaster, yet I still needed to walk.

13. I have also had staples in my head (from basketball), almost lost my Pinkie finger at two (car door accident), and I had stitches in my hand from more stupidity--I tried to turn a knob on a heavy spotlight to see if it would move up. This action loosened the spotlight and it came crashing down on my hand and split open the fatty part of my hand between the thumb and the index finger. I so thought I was going to die!

Christmas is Coming

So Christmas is coming and for some reason I'm not so excited. I know, I know I should be jumping with joy singing the songs of Christmas and eating loads of food, but this year it's just going to be so different. See, my parents are moving house and they plan to do this on the 20th--5 days before Christmas. Who moves five days before Christmas? I just don't get it, but who am I to tell my parents when they can and cannot move.

It only sucks because I am used to having Christmas in the USA with all my dad's side of the family. He is the oldest of 12. I have 24 cousins and some of them are married with kids as well. Every Christmas we get together (all of us in one house) and just love the family relationships we have. There is no fighting, not arguing, but each member looks out for the interests of the other family members.

I have heard stories of families fighting and arguing the whole time they are together, and I have never ever understood why. I guess my family is really special in that sense. I just am blessed to have been born into such a wonderful family.

I am upset this year cause this will be the second year I will miss the celebration, and not only that, I'm not sure I will get the turkey and fixings that go along with a Christmas dinner, but I don't know if I will be able to spend time with my own family this year due to my parents move.

I am not that upset, but just wish I could have a normal Christmas this year, but it doesn't look like it will happen. However, I know God is always good and faithful, and I will make sure I am thankful that I do get to spend Christmas with some family even if it will be in a new house that will not be set up completely. I have learned to be content in whatever situation I am in. I hope this Christmas season there will be less of me and more of Jesus. I must decrease, He must increase.

God is Good

Had trouble posting my cowboy pic. I miss the horses and ranch I worked at back in my college days. One day, I will own a ranch and raise horses. Of course, if that's God's will. I know it is a strong desire I have. I love life and God has been faithful to me in the midst of everything. God has taught me over these last few weeks what His love truly is, and how He is showing me everyday His passion for His people. He has given me the opportunity to feel what He feels and has shown me that He has been more faithful than the knowing night will come and a new day will dawn. It happens again and again, yet God is more faithful than even that law.

I used to be so pessimistic on how reality would never measure up to my ideology. I needed to adjust my vision and look to the Source of Life to understand life itself. I am learning about eternity and how my life should be measured according to eternity and not according to this world's version. I know it seems simple, but sometimes I think way too much and over analyze and just get sobered up to the reality of how life is hard across this world for so many, and I have it easier, yet can tell myself my problems are worse. This is not true and I am glad to be free from that line of thinking.

God is so amazing. He has taken something dead and turned it into life. He has taken something evil and turned it into something good. He has taken me and made my life worth living even before I was born, and I am so happy and blessed to know that God will love me just the same and no different--even if I was the most prominent preacher in all the world and was used to save many people, and gave all my wealth to the poor, and was used to do many miracles; God would love me. Yes, and even if I had nothing and lost everything and ended up living under a bridge, eating from trashcans and addicted to drugs; God would still love me. My Father makes no distinctions in His love, and He favors no one over another. I love Him with all my being and will let His love move me to do His will.

I AM MY BELOVEDS AND HE IS MINE!

Mellen Family Wedding #2

Here is my sister's wedding. She got married this year (2006). As you can see I gained a few lbs from the last wedding. I couldn't help it. I love the food in Hong Kong and my job requires me to sit and teach most of the time. The air quality is poor and that's my exuse for not exercising. It's hard to believe that I'm an uncle and will be one again after the New Year. I love having extended family whom I can call brother and sister-in-law. God is so good.