Let Justice and Mercy Prevail

Expect the Unexpected while Expecting It.

2009-02-20T09:09:00.000-08:00

It's been like a year since I have written anything. For those of you who read my blog--my sincere apologies. BUT, I have great news. Since my last post, God has done so much in my life. Right now, I have been living in freedom and living life to the fullest every day. I did lay down and die, and He Himself resurrected me. Many friends and family tried to save me, but it was God Himself who reached down and placed a new, golden heart in me; breathed life into me and changed my life completely. I'll tell you right now...dying is not easy. Actually, it's harder than anyone thinks and imagines. I thought I could just say the words, but God said that I needed to go through the process to live.

However, all that said, I want to celebrate life. Today, I am happier than I have ever been. I am excited to be in love with Jesus and expectantly can't wait to meet with Him everyday. He IS my life and my freedom. He IS my Hope and He will NEVER leave me or forsake me. I have come to learn that with just one word from Him, He will heal me. I am so blessed.

Yes, I have been through loads of pain and hurt. I would go through it all again if it made me wiser and closer to Jesus and and if my friends were able to get close to Jesus. I love spending my life on others. I love to give. I love to bless. I love to love. I love to give mercy. I love to see people healed and walk in freedom. I love Jesus!

Right now, I am loving life. I am Testing, Trusting, and waiting for His Timing. God is moving and keeps drawing me close to Him. I am all smiles, and I am all joyful. God has blessed me and keeps giving me more and more. I love blessing others with my life. I can be crazy and funny, yet I have learned to be serious and wise when needed. Life is too short to live like an adult who can't laugh. And life is too short to live as I am still an immature child.

Also, I thank God I am no longer living in pain. I am glad I am no longer living in anguish. All I know is whatever God tells me, I will do. I will obey--no matter if it hurts--cause I know He will heal me and has my best interest in mind.

Well, I just want to say one last thing. Sunsh, if you're reading this--bless you! And thanks for being such a blessing to me. I hope you started from the beginning. I think now God ha freed me to write more positive things. And I will. Bless you all and bless you, Sunsh! Tell Baby I said hi!

Becoming Indifferent

2008-04-09T06:38:00.000-07:00

I don''t feel anything but pain anymore. Can't seem to find anything good in life. Just want to live and enjoy life, but that is so impossible. What is there I can do? NOTHING! NOTHING! NOTHING! People depend on me for certain things--Sunday School, Work, Drums, etc. Yet, I still fulfill my duties because I know I am not the only person in the world, but sometimes 'feel' like it. I enjoy teaching and some worship from the kit, but when it is all done with I revert back to this aching in my heart; this pain that just won't go away.

I noticed that I don't even care anymore if people are rude to me on the train or bus. I just let it all slide by and think that maybe they don't know what they are doing and I can't be bothered to do anything. Of course I am reminded that I can't do anything anyway...my mom once told me that I shouldn't say anything anyway. After all she said I am her son and don't always listen to her, so why should I waste the time trying to 'change' someone I don't even know when she can't even change me who is here son. Good point mom.

Even so, I lack any strength to even try to change anyone. Let them live their lives and face the consequences of their own actions. Who am I to even help anyone? Who am I that I should be a leader? Who am I that anyone would choose to love me? I am nothing. Nothing. I have nothing to give; nothing to share; nothing to equip anyone for any good work. YET, I cannot escape from Him. I cannot escape from God. No matter where I go or what I do, there is nothing I can do. I cannot even walk. I cannot even lift my own head up. Worst of all, I cannot even pretend to meet with God anymore.

I so wish I could see the end, but this valley is dark and long and cold. I shiver in trepidation of walking forward, but I cannot stop walking or I will be swallowed alive by this darkness and freeze to death on this lonely road. I know I am not even the one walking forward. I am being carried. I am slumped over in a deadened stupor. My body is limp; my eyes are rolling back into my head; my pulse is weakening and life is escaping.

Some have told me that this is good, but for the very little life left in my, I cannot even see how that 'good' is happening. I know God is good, but my faith in that is so not moved to believe it. I wish I could be a "Joseph" and just work through anything and come out on top and even be posted to second in command of all of Egypt. Seriously, this man must have felt the same thing I feel. He had to have at some point thought of giving up. Perhaps "Job" I could emulate. A man who said "Though He slay me, yet I will worship." I just want Him to slay me SO I can finally worship properly--in spirit and in truth. Hosea comes to mind as well. I am pretty sure he was expecting a wonderful wife from God who was godly and righteous, but instead God told him to marry a whore. Not just any whore, but one who would abandon Hosea and continue in her profession whilst being marries. Not only that, but God told Hosea many times to go an find her and bring her back. Seriously, that is so not right! Gomer even gave birth to bastard children due to her flings with men who were scum, yet Hosea still called those children son and daughter. He must have known my pain or at least I can somewhat understand his pain and anguish, yet God was still good to him and in the end restored this marriage and love with the chosen whore.

I admit that I am hopelessly saved. I do not enjoy anything that the world has to offer, yet find it hard to just draw near to God. All my flesh wants to do is get drunk and sin and enjoy all of that, but I cannot do that. I wish it were so simple for me like that, but I cannot do it. My heart is too moral and too holy to get drunk and commit crimes and what not. I am so HOPELESSLY SAVED. I can't even get drunk like the rest of the world cause I know I won't enjoy it. I can't go to Wan Chai or Lan Kwai Fong cause I don't enjoy that stuff.

I guess I can only let the pain resonate in my life and hope and pray that I am somehow saved from my very despair. Ending my life won't work because I have tasted real Life--Jesus and only want Him, but can't seem to find Him at the moment. It's funny how when life is not there the thought of ending life will come into the mind. Of course that thought occurs and I then I think...whatever dude...life will come again; spring always follows winter and the colder the winter, the more beautiful spring will be.

See, life has to come to an end. The leaves fall off trees and birds fly south during the winter. And the most harsh winter will reveal a spring full of blossoms and life. Death brings new life. It's part of God's creation. We see this in the seasons He has determined to be in Creation. We often refer to it the "cycle of life."

I am in that winter now. I am in that place of death and darkness. I don't know when it will end because I know coming from Colorado the winters can sometimes last until even May...AND some Ski Resorts are open until July depending upon how harsh the winter is.

Even though I so wish for this winter to end and life to come, I refuse to ask God to end it. I want this to be the worst and harshest winter I have even known. I want this death to be permanent. I don't want to limp away from this place or live life as a paraplegic. I want that death; complete with none of me left. I want to be that man crucified with Christ. I want this winter to be harsh and hard so that when spring comes LIFE will come and with it LIFE that others may see and know and understand.

I have struggled with myself on whether I am really selfish or not. I have felt that I am, but now I realize that many others would have just given up on this place long ago. Others would have tried to escape and walk away, and may have their war wounds and that's ok, but would they come to know the true sufferings of Christ--the true "passion" of Christ? Maybe...I don't know. All I know is that even though I am broken and wreathing in pain and wish I could escape, I also don't want to escape until the final injection comes that finally kills me.

Until then, I will lie there in that coffin; I will let Him carry me in the wilderness through the valley. I will not give up until the last breath of my life brings death for I know after death comes resurrection. I will walk through the harshest winter until my legs give out or the ice and snow overtake me. I care not what others think of me right now. I care not if I SHOULD be doing this or that. The fact of the matter is that I cannot do what others expect and require of me. I cannot do this and choose to just let them say what they want and do what they want--good or bad it matters not. I know the place I am in, and I will not escape, but like Christ will walk through it to the end. Even Christ pleaded with His Father to take the 'cup' from Him, but not His will, but that of His Father.

I wish I could just DO something to make it all better, but my life has been full of talk and actions that has not benefited anyone. It has been like a man beating the wind and finding nothing to fight, yet trying to pick a fight with nothing to fight with.

I am naked. I am exposed and yet I do not care. I don't care what others may say or think or advice they may think I should hear and do. I will just let Him carry me and kill me and then revive me so that one day I will only live my life through Him. Yes, it sounds crazy, but then again I have become indifferent to what others think. This is my life and only I will face the consequences of my actions. Only I will be judged by my actions, not them. Only I will have to face the Father. I know one day I will flourish, but for now let me just be and let me just die. Don't try to save me because you will only set me back more. Let me die so you and I may both live.

Less Talk; More Action

2008-04-04T05:17:00.000-07:00

So life has been hard lately. Feels like I have been in a coffin and struggling against dying. You know, I have heard from many people throughout my life that laying down and dying is the best thing anyone can do. However, no one told me how difficult it would be or how much pain I would come to know. Many nights of sleeplessness; anxiety; throwing up from crying; throwing up from nothing; feeling like I am being tortured and interrogated and yet trying to just make sense of what life really means.

Well, i learned something this last week. My bestest friend's cat fell from her third story window and was injured greatly. I received a call from her at 6:30AM. She was sobbing and groaning and I knew something traumatic had just occurred. I couldn't make sense of anything she was trying to tell me. Then the Vet Doc got on the phone and told me how Shamar (the cat) had broken her front, right paw and was having trouble breathing and had a possible broken back. Phoenix asked me to come and say goodbye as I had encouraged her to put Shamar to sleep.

It took me about an hour to get there. When I entered to room I saw Shamar looking intently into Phoenix's eyes and Phoenix's bloody hands gently stroking her. Phoenix immediately broke in to tears and I knew there would be no comforting her. I said my goodbye to Shamar and the the Vet Doc came in and asked Phoenix to sign a waver to put Shamar down and she hesitated for a few minutes and finally signed and cried and weeped.

The Doc shaved Shamar's left paw around the ankle to find the vein so he could make his injection. Then he injected the stuff and within a second Shamar was gone. Then, Phoenix scooped her dead baby up into her arms and wept and wept and wept so loud and so long. I cried and cried and we both stood there in the room as this cat had now died. She was not even 6 months old. There was nothing that could be done to save her; there was nothing except death waiting in the wings for the approval to come and snatch Shamar from life.

This still pains me today. Dreams come at night as I am there trying to save this wonderful cat. I cannot, and I fail every time I dream it. It has shook me to the core. Cats just don't fall off the building like that. I know God has allowed this to happen for certain reasons and has been teaching me loads.

See, Shamar's name is Hebrew for 'watchman'. There is something symbolic here that I would like to try to explain. See, I am a watchman for our children's Sunday school--Kidz 4 Christ. I am meant to take up prayer and intercession and look after this group and cover them so that they are all protected. I take this role very seriously.

However, after the events that happened with Phoenix a month or so earlier had left me damaged and dying. God had exposed some faulty foundations in my life and had shaken my life down to the core to let me see what my life was at its rawness. This has been the most painful thing of my life up to this point. Who wants to see all that raw ugliness inside themselves? Who wants to truly let God's light shine on into those secret, secret places? I did not want to initially, but then I remembered always praying God would keep me humble and there is no doubt I have remained humble in all this or should I say humiliated as well.

I have been on a 'deathbed' for awhile now and just like Shamar, I have been struggling to live, but there is no chance that I can continue to live. I need to be injected and killed. So that is what I am doing...waiting to fully die because death means resurrection and that is the ultimate goal after all is said and done.

All this may sound nice and dandy, but there is something missing--action. I can talk a good talk, but when it becomes crunch time, where am I then? See, I am a man. I am a good man. I have vision from God and have heard His voice clearly. However, I have been inactive for a little while. I have not been moving forward all fast and furiously like. I have been moving like a snail. That is not too, too bad either; at least there is some movement.

For now I will speak less, and act more. I need to get some true stability in my life. Income, career, ministry, vision etc. I have talked about these things and now is the time for movement and action. I have an idea of where God is moving me towards and I will just finally take that step of faith and move. This is big for me. I have played life to carefree like and never wanted to take up the full responsibility of being a man. Now, it's either move or just be another statistic.

I am dying and am still waiting for my injection to death so that I may be resurrected and truly a man. However, I have now taken life more seriously and am talking up all of this responsibility and will work towards making my career and future secure and stable. It may take a bit of time, but I am not worried for God is with me. I am already in His hands. I have already willingly laid my life down for Him and am waiting for His final injection and my subsequent resurrection which will not only bring me life, but life to others as well.

I will stop in a minute with my long note. For actions always speak louder than words and my words will only fall on deaf ears and blind eyes if there is no action. So if you happen to see me around and notice I am strangely quiet or more serious don't be worried for I will still have my playful moments and my fun times, but right now I need to make sure that even though the times of fun and play are there, I will also have the times of seriousness which actually occur more than I show. Right now I have prioritized my life and attitude to take action. Don't worry if you see me silent or serious, but know that this is necessary to take action.

I am not saying I am becoming dull or boring. No, I am a man already and I will stop pretending to be a boy to win others' approval. For far too long I have tried to measure up to what I though Phoenix wanted and cut myself down to be what I thought she wanted me to be. Now I will just be me--someone who is very serious and carefree and fun, yet mature whose direction is certain and there will be less talk; more action. Perhaps then Phoenix will see the real me and not the Chris who has been trying to impress her. She is my friend and that's all. I will definitely be the best friend I can be for her and everyone I know.

LESS TALK; MORE ACTION

Heartbroken! Now what?

2008-02-15T07:36:00.000-08:00

I am broken. I am hurting. I am blah!

What happened? Everything was going on so nicely. Everything was good--then God asked me to stand up and be a man. Yes, that's when it all started. I have been in an amazing friendship with a young lady and it has been wonderful. We hung out lots and ate together and watched movies together and had developed a deep, caring relationship for one another. We basically had a dating relationship without the label or anything like that. It was up and down, but overall was good.

I decided to either set some boundaries (guidelines) in friendship or date. Well, we decided to fast and pray for a week and then meet again and talk with our pastor and elder. When the time came she said 'yes' but with tears and wasn't really excited or happy about it. So we decided that I would just wait for her to work through some things and then perhaps later she would be ok maybe to date as she does like me. Well, I was on my way doing my thing and then at the end of that week she tells me she wants to date me and is happy and excited to do so. I let it sit for a week and then was shocked that at our next meeting she said she wasn't ready to date. It was heartbreaking.

I have prayed and fasted many a time on this. I don't just get into relationships with anyone. I really like her and am happy with our friendship, but seriously I wanted to go up another level, but that can't happen and I don't know when that will happen if it will happen.

The good thing that came out of this was word God gave to a man for me who had no idea what was happening in our relationship. He said that right now was not the time to be seeking a life partner. The timing was not right. That joy should be there when getting into a dating relationship. Now, even before we started to fast this was the word. It was a bit haunting, but I figured it was right, but how much time. It wasn't a word that said that this girl was not the girl to date, but it was one that said the timing wasn't right.

Well, in the end I must admit that God is right on this matter and that word supersedes any words that God has spoken to me in the past. However I am struggling with how to proceed. Do I just lay it all down and move on with life without hope of ever getting together with this girl or should I just move on with all of this in the back of my head and hold out some hope knowing that she does like me, but just isn't in a position to date right now, but could be later on in maybe 6 months or earlier or I dunno. Just trying to figure out what to do...to move on or just wait a bit longer. I really do love this girl and know if she works through some things in her life she would be so amazing and unstoppable and I don't want to miss that.

But right now I am hurting so bad. A hope differed makes the heart sick. And my heart is sick. I covered this in prayer. I fasted and prayed and only did my best to walk in this rightly and yet in the end I am hurt and have cried so many tears and so hard that I have thrown up. My joy is gone--my smile fails to appear and I am lost and depleted of all my energy. I want to be loved and appreciated and desired and still at this stage in my life.

I guess I am still not ready for a relationship at this stage in life, but do know that later down the road this girl is first choice. After all, we are the best of friends. We are great together, and maybe I pressed this issue too much and lost.

Why must I feel so painful? Why is this so hard for me to accept? Why can't I just move on? I really believe that she is the ONE, but I must put all of that aside and just be the best friend I can be to her. Anything less of more at this point would not be good.

So I endure the pain and try my best to keep walking, but I can't walk and need Jesus to carry me. My strength is gone and my heart torn. It's kinda funny that she once told me that she thought she would lose her smile by sucking it up and dating me even though she wasn't ready, and now my smile has been lost and no joy remains inside. Who would have thought laying one's life down for a friend would hurt so much. I guess I thought it would be like a bullet in the head and then it would be over, but now I realize that it is more like torture.

The other thing I am struggling with is moving past all this and hoping one day it will come back or should I just really get on with life and not give it a second thought and just bless her as a sister in Christ? You know, it's kinda both really...I do need to keep moving forward, but still don't want to miss out on all the good that will come from all of this. I really don't want to see her keep growing and end up with some other dude who gets blessed beyond measure for something that I have put my heart into, but I guess free-will can just be downright nasty, but in the end it is better for her to choose me rather than feel like she is being pushed into something.

I really need prayer right now, and should just meet with God, but even that is so hard. Kinda keep wishing the phone would ring and she would be there on the other side even if it's for nothing other than asking me an English question or something about Sunday School, but it doesn't and that's ok.

How can I keep moving on. I suppose God has shown me how much I really was wrapped up in her as opposed to Christ. Perhaps I am not as strong and not as mature as I thought I was. Maybe I thought I was more of a man than I thought. Who knows? All I know is that it hurts and hurts and hurts and I can't have her know that for some reason. I can't have her worry about me. I can't let her feel she has done something wrong when she has done nothing wrong.

Time will heal the hurt, but will time prove God's word to me? I guess only time will tell and I really hate waiting for time.

A Poem from the Heart

2007-10-31T10:03:00.000-07:00

He said, "Lay down and die."
So I bit my lip, let out a cry.
"Why oh why? Why must I die?"
Tears dripping down my face not dry.

So I laid down upon that place.
Betting all I have upon grace,
And then I waited and waited more
And a burden then struck me to the core.

I laid down upon that rock
And patiently checked the clock.
I wanted desperately to arise,
Yet laid there awaiting the prize.

And still I lay and wait for death.
Wondering when it will be my last breath.
You said You wanted for me to die,
Yet why won't You come and let me die?

I am not distressed at what You say.
Will Your promises come true today?
Why must I wait and wait and wait
For a harvest I know that is not late?

Why must my heart continue to break?
How much more of this can I take?
When will you come and kill me so?
When will this burden be let go?

I know it is soon and I know I can wait,
But please be timely and don't be late.
My heart has had its fill of this pain,
So please be gentle so I don't go insane.

I know You speak and I have heard
Many wonderful things; Your Word.
But I now am doubting if its true.
I am just being honest with You.

I am on that rock in that place
Still searching for a glimpse of Your face.
Still waiting upon your Word;
The Word which you promised and I heard.

I have died. I have died. I have died,
Yet I live and I live and I have cried
Too many tears and fasted too many meals,
And all I want is to just be healed.

Not just that, but there is a lot more.
And you know my heart; my face upon floor
Can You just do what You promised?
Can You just please do what You promised?

I am hurting laying and waiting.
It is painful to just wait waiting.
But I will still look to You
For there is nothing I can do.

I can only lay here on this rock.
Knowing one day I will see the clock
And You will say, "Arise now and live."
And I will stand with a heart healed to live.

So I will wait and wait and wait
For as long as this will take.
My heart is Yours; my life is Yours
My soul is Yours; my all is Yours.

I will cry more tears
Releasing my fears.
I will fast more meals
And chase You for reals.

I am Yours so have Your way.
There is nothing You cannot say.
I am ready now oh so ready now.
Do what You will; do what You will.

Stand Up and Fight!

2007-10-11T08:57:00.000-07:00

Tick-tock-Tick-tock--the clock keeps ticking and time continues to find its path forward. There is no living unless it is called TODAY. Time has not stopped and neither should I! Time waits for no man, yet millions have wasted their lives by stopping when time did not. Millions have stayed put and not moved forward because at a point in time, they became hurt and feared feeling that pain again and stayed in their place of "comfort" for just a little longer and then just a little more longer and then a month became a few months, then a few months became a year and a year became a few years and a few years became ten years and ten years became twenty and so on.

I have experienced so much pain in my life, I never knew if I could know what real joy and real peace and real happiness really is. There are times when I think this is the life, but it's not even close to that. Life has passed by a few times and I have been stuck in a position of pain more than once. I so hate that I know there are wasted years in my life due to me not being able move forward. And what's more than that...I didn't know how to move forward. It really hurts when all one wants is to keep moving, but can't due to lack of knowledge and wisdom.

Right now there is an intense amount of pressure and responsibility on me. I feel it and when I begin to think about it, I just feel like hiding some place where no one can find me and sometimes just feel like committing crimes or something in order to not feel the pressure. Let me clarify that this was me before. As in, before I recognized my life as a son of God.

Today, I had a revelation! The enemy has been defeated! Death couldn't hold You down! I'm gonna life my voice in victory. Gonna make Your praises loud! SHOUT OUT TO GOD WITH A VOICE OF TRIUMPH!!!! SHOUT OUT TO GOD WITH A VOICE OF PRAISE!!!! I lift your Name up! I realized that for those years that I felt were wasted was because I had the wrong mindset. I was not proactive in securing my freedom--even when I did not know what to do. Even if I didn't know what to do, I could have just kept fighting and fighting even though I knew I was getting beat up. However, I decided to just get knocked out so as to not even feel anything or fight. Plus, it was a good excuse--who is gonna pressure a man to keep moving and fighting after he has been knocked out? No many even godly men would do that.

Today I realized that I have to fight even if my big butt is taking a beating! Even if I am near death and cannot let up--I cannot give up and just let the enemy walk all over me and my friends and the ministry He has entrusted me with along with all the leaders and people who are involved in that ministry. Fight and beat back the enemy because the enemy HAS BEEN defeated and VICTORY has already occurred--I am just walking out the process of what has already happened.

I know this sounds like a bit much, but I believe every word of it. There is no way I can sit down and get knocked out again and waste more years. I am not a boy anymore. I am a MAN! A MAN I SAY! I am not some little boy who can't tie his shoes, but I am a man who has been entrusted with people whose very life seems to depend on my actions.

I have prayed and have asked God to steady my heart...to steady my mind...and to steady my whole being. There is nothing worse than a man with whom you cannot feel secure with because he is all over the place. God has given me authority, power, and covering and I will use wisdom and discretion to lead.

Feelings can come and feelings go, but God remains the same forever. I feel so much pressure and may continue to feel that pressure, but that doesn't mean the WORD is not true. It just means life will be hard, but joy can be found in obedience. I have laid everything down at the foot of the cross. I have given up all my dreams and hopes and desires. And I now stand and defend those whom God has entrusted me with.

It is scary, but the reward, though might not be on earth, is so worth spending myself for. I gladly suffer crazy "feelings" in order that others may be free and know Jesus and know Life and how to live it to the fullest. I have decided that I will not seek my own desires, but the wellbeing of others. I want to spend my life for the freedom of others even if it means me suffering a bit so that they can see their freedom.

I have lived too long with ME in front. I now want to only be lead by Jesus and if others follow...then so be it, but only as long as they follow to see Jesus!

If you read this and are stuggling--just stand up and fight! If you don't know the way or how to fight--ask God for wisdom and He WILL give it to you. Let me help too if you want. I will stand in the gap in prayer and will go and intercede on your behalf.

KEEP FIGHTING! KEEP CHASING! NEVER STOP AND GIVE UP!

When this happens--I will have the pleasure of spending eternity with you! So wonderful!

Lay Down and Die?

2007-09-13T10:11:00.000-07:00

So there is this huge heaviness I am carrying around with me. It started out really small a couple weeks before I left for England and has grown into a huge burden that I am carrying around. There seems to be no way of escaping it. I have no idea how to go about dealing with it. See, God has called me to lay down and die--in a manner of speaking. He has told me to lay on the alter much like Issac and not move.

I really want to lay down and die because I know that is the only way one can actually live, yet I just have heaviness. I just have pain. I just have emptiness and loneliness. Of course, these are the thing I feel and doesn't necessarily mean I AM these things--I just feel these things; and I hate feeling this burden.

I don't know how to get rid of it really. People would say just do it--lay it down. Believe me I have tried everything. I have been on my knees in tears and brokeness before God. I have prayed in the Spirit time and time again. I have worshiped and drawn near to God and, yet there is this pain and aching inside that feels like depression, yet not depression. I know it is not depression because the feeling is in my stomach, not my heart. I know the Spirit dwells (so to speak) in the stomach region and have learned to recognize what is of the Spirit and what it of the flesh. And generally the feelings in the stomach is not always bad, but if it is in the heart/upper chest area it' not good--so I have come to understand.

I have been on my knees praying and crying out to God and the pain remains. I have written everything that I feel like I am holding on to...all my fears, anxiety, hurts and pains, and future, desires, hopes and dreams. I prayed over it and crumpled it up and beat it and then burned it! And still nothing! I even vomited today while praying and still this burden just keeps following me around.

Perhaps I am feeling just a little of what Job felt...having that same burden, yet the physical pain as well as the pain of the loss of his family and then of course his 'friends' who added to his burden and yet he still worshiped and honored God even saying.. "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him." Job 13:15

Or maybe a little part of this burden Joseph. When he was sold into slavery by his own family, falsely accused and sent to prison, and then forgotten by those whom he helped. Yes, his was a burden and I cannot say this can compare to either of them or let alone the burden Jesus carried and felt.

Still, this is so hard to carry. I want to lay it all down and have laid down and died. I just can't shake this feeling. I have asked God to just take the burden from me, yet I still walk in it and don't understand it. I have finally asked God to just take it from me. Actually, it seems like something is being birthed. Not that I have ever given birth to a baby, but I am told that it is like the final moments from when the pain is at its zenith and then the baby is born.

God has broken me and I'll I want is to be spent for Him. To abide in Him, and yet there is this cloud over me and I am questioning my very loyalty to the King who has redeemed me. I feel like there is something wrong with me and can't shake it. That there is something I am holding back, but there can't be because I just want to die cause I know that's when I will truly live. So why is this happening? Why am I feeling this way? Why has this feeling...this burden not lifted from me? What must I do to regain this peace that was once oh so sweet?

Even though I have not idea how to lay down and die properly, I will still hope in the Lord. Nothing can separate me from His love. I am His and He is mine, and I know that this too shall pass and I will await my rescue from the lord. I will await the embrace of the King for "You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes..." Song of Solomon 4:9

It is my desire to give it all--my life, my dreams, my desires all to God. I want to lay it down and have done so. I only want to be obedient to the King and my Father. How can I run for him where could I go? "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. (Psalm 139: 7-8) I cannot hide and my heart is transparent and laid bare before Him.

I thought that I would be better after writing this, but I guess there is some timing involved in God's plan here. I am wrestling and doing everything I have been taught to do and it is not helping, so I will just continue to persist in prayer and wait upon the LORD. Just because I fell this way does not mean God is not Who He says He is. No, he IS Faithful and Loyal and a Wonderful Father and a Just and Merciful King. I will still praise Him and I will still follow Him and serve others and love others even if I feel this way for a long time...perhaps the rest of my life. However, there is a still a peace that comes when I think of how this will be resolved because I know My Daddy is a good God and will not let me suffer more than I can bear!

So I will keep pressing in and pressing onward because I know that "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." (Galatians 2:20) I will overcome and will come out of this when God decides to take this burden from me. Please Pray for me!

Oh Ye of Little Faith

2007-08-23T15:36:00.000-07:00

So I am sitting here in Heathrow Airport because I missed my flight in the morning due to a delay and having to travel from Gatwick Airport. I’ll be honest. My heart is broken! I start my journey in England with a broken and hurting heart. Of course, I am the one to blame. No one but me.

Just when I think I have life figured out—I realize that I cannot do anything on my own—ever! Even though I try and try and strive and strive, life moves forward and I am left picking up the pieces of a heart that was not tamed. I feel a bit like Edward Scissor Hand where he was just trying to help but he was damaging the young lady with his scissor hands even though to him it was comforting someone he cared about, but he was using the wrong method.

I am the same way. Caring for someone, yet beating them over and over again when I really do care, but pride and self-centeredness gets in the way and I become a burden and an annoyance rather than someone who builds up and knows when to lay low and just chill. Letting go and giving up is not something I like doing, yet that is what God is telling me and my heart breaks and tears stream from my eyes and a sniffle envelops my nose.

How can I be such a hurtful friend? Why can’t I just be content with life how it is? Why must I push for something more when nothing is there. Am I so caught up in ME that I can’t see past my own nose? I am so waek and such a sinner. When I try to cause bliss and bring blessing, I get in the way and bring burdens and hurt and heaviness. When can I be free of this disastrous nature? I want to surrender everything to Jesus and just start life over again.

I want to go back to the days where laughter resounded and hearts were joyous and stomachs hurt from laughing so much. I miss the laughter and I miss the silliness. I have expected too much and have caused the complete opposite of everything I ever wanted.

Humble me LORD. Strip away all my pride and make me like Jesus. Forgive me for holding on to something and not letting you take it and make it such a wonderful blessing. I am humbled before you LORD and need you more than anything as my heart breaks and I recognize I am a sinner in need of a Savior. Come LORD and comfort me and hold me and love me. For to you I surrender all.

Broken at Last

2007-08-12T07:55:00.000-07:00

So tonight God broke my heart. He melted it and made is mush, and replaced it with a new one. A heart that beats with His compassion for people. Yes, I am somewhat of a control freak. I like to be in control of my life, situations with friends, situations with anyone and everything. I like to know what is going to happen next without being surprised because that certain surprise could bring pain and of course who likes pain?

Let me put it in context for you. This week God has already been talking to me about my life--my self-centeredness. Yes, I didn't really want to listen. Then through a serious of events, I had upset my friend. Without even realizing it, I had made her angry. Of course her anger was justified. On the way home...she didn't even want to speak to me...it was a bit awkward, yet we are close friends so I knew at some point we would work it out. Still, I hate that feeling of wondering if it will really get worked out or if it will come up again later and harder to deal with.

She wanted to talk and I went to her house and we talked. She straight up told me I was self-centered...and left it at that. I wasn't shocked (maybe a little), but I was more concerned with the truth. Then, we talked it out and worked things through and I left knowing I wasn't condemned, but rather valued so much. Only real friends who care about me would ever try and mention something like that directly. She was so right it hurt, but was a good hurt.

Sunday rolls around and and I noticed the whole day that I was such a self centered man. I was so disgusted with myself. Even after sharing with another friend and building him up...I still went back to myself and was agitated at worship practice and throughout worship and throughout the sermon. I saw myself and the whole self-centered thing and hated it. Everywhere I turned, it was in front of me.

At the end of service I was sitting on the drums and a motioned me to come down and told me he wanted to pray with me. As soon as he opened his mouth and said, "you know God loves you so deeply!" I broke down and began to cry and as he prayed for me the pain in my heart increased and I began to weep loudly and tears were flooding down my face and snot was coming from my nose and I was in agony. How could such a good God love something like me. I weeped and weeped and cried and cried and sobbed and sobbed. I could feel God doing surgery on my hear and removing the thing I despised. He kept telling my I was forgiven!

Then, I felt like He was birthing something in me and there was more pain. He was birthing a call and a mission. I was so broken and His presence was so strong, I couldn't even sit and had to lay prostrate on the floor and as soon as I did that, the weeping and wailing increased. I couldn't move and couldn't escape the pain, but it only lasted a moment and then God spoke again and showed me a vision and confirmed the things He had told me before awhile back and peace flooded in like a tsunami. He was talking and sharing things with me and it was so precious. Compassion for people filled my heart and and His presence was so strong I couldn't do a thing except lay there and let Him just do whatever He wanted.

My heart has been broken and I have realized that I am not my own and that I have been bought with a price. So many lost people and so many hurting and so many people who cannot speak for themselves or defend themselves. They sit in chains and in dungeons and there is no one to rescue them and I was worried about being liked or not by a 12 year old.

Tonight I was humbled and brought low and God spoke life into my bones and reminded me of my training I am under. He urged me to obey and let Him work out my concerns, but to focus on my training.

God has saved me and I am so grateful for it. He has brought the most amazing friends into my life and I do not deserve to even be called there friend, yet there they are. One of them I honor now and say thanks for speaking truth in love and helping to prepare my heart for what God had planned to do in it this evening. You are priceless and I am eternally grateful for your friendship.

Thanks be to God for breaking my heart and letting me experience Him in new way. It was profound and wanting more.

Freedom and friends!

2007-07-06T10:37:00.000-07:00

So it has been too long since I have updated my thoughts on life. Too long since I have sat down to express what God has been doing in my life. I am ready to share a little bit now with more bits and pieces in the future. I promise.

So I am going to first start by sharing something that most people don't dare share. It's something that hurt me deeply and set my life on a course that God never intended for me to take. Yes, this world is a scary place with people who harm one another every day and have no hope cause they do not know the Hope for which they were called to.

When I was around 5 years old I was sexually abused by my Grandfather. I only recall it ever happening once, yet one time was all that was needed for me to grow up and struggle with things and feeling and issues in my life that were not 'normal'. My whole view of normal was skewed by that act alone.

A few years later, something not as as 'bad', but similar happened with my step-grandmother. Yes, those people are bad people and hurt me deeply. All I can remember since I could remember was shame, hurt, anger, rage and a whole host of emotions. I had always assumed life was this way.

I grew up as a a pastor's kid and had loving parents and a good environment, yet life wasn't right. I had been violated and hated that feeling. I never spoke of it and tried my best to forget the little I could remember. For 20 some years I have been living with this in my life. I have been always working my hardest to make God love me or something. Pain, and pain and more pain. Hatred, anger, rage and feeling of worthlessness and shame--oh the guilt and shame I felt.

But....

Now I am as free as a bird singing songs to the King on a perfect spring day! I have overcome and have been set free by the King! The anger and rage and hatred are gone, and instead forgiveness, joy and love have replaced it. I am tasting life for the first time or so it seems. I am not saying I haven't felt some semblance of freedom throughout my life. I have always had a strong desire to follow God and have broken through on other things, yet I knew there was this glass ceiling all around and I couldn't figure out how to get free.

God has shown up and I saw this vision after I was able to forgive and lose the shame and guilt. I was standing under a waterfall naked just soaking in the life and cleanliness of the water when some angels came and began to scrub me clean. It was a wonderful sight seeing the blackness of shame turn to a pure, whiteness of innocence. They placed a robe of white on me and Jesus arrived. He was holding a mantle or sash of some sort. He placed it over me and said, "This is the Mantle of Manhood. Now you are a man. You are now able to receive love properly and give love properly." I was so excited and knew I was loved.

No longer will I have to try and strive for love or attention--God will freely give it to me whenever I ask. And he has when I have asked sine then. I no longer am worried about finding someone who will love me in spite of me--cause God has loved me already and He alone will give me a mate whom he deems right and worthy. I am not worried about that at all. I am singing and loving life on a whole other level. I never knew life could be so sweet.

You know, I had a thought about everything that was stolen from me and how the last 20 odd years have been wasted. It was only a thought cause then I remembered how God will redeem the time and the next 40 or 60 years of my life will be blessed and is blessed 100 fold. God doesn't waste anything. I know my future is secure and God is providing me more than I can ever imagine. He has already blessed me with a friend who has really challenged me by her lifestyle and character to keep chasing Him. What an amazing God. Who is this King of Glory? the LORD strong and mighty. So open up you heavenly gates and let the King of Glory in.

If you are reading this and are looking for your freedom--CHASE HIM! Never stop chasing Him--NEVER!! You will catch Him or should I say He will catch you! Thank God He is God or we would all be in pain and hurt without hope. He has set me free and now He is calling me to help others find their freedom in Christ, and I have answered that call. AMEN and AMEN!

Finally Back and Stonger Than Ever!

2007-04-16T09:01:00.000-07:00

So I have been gone for awhile--had to get away and smell life once again. See, I have been hurt by people and friends and I still love them. I just needed time to digest and heal from wounds. If there is anything I have learned in life, it that people will always let me down. People will never be perfect and will fail. It's the nature of life. Sometimes we don't know when we will be hurt, it comes unexpectedly, yet God knows it is happening. God knows and allows it. It is my responsibility to respond correctly to such pain and hurt.

I know it hasn't been easy, but what is life--a beach with white sand and perfect temperatures where paradise is non-stop? Not even close. Life is work...life is pain...life is joyful...full of sorrow, and sometimes regret...full of adventure and exhilarating and life-changing experiences that are followed by dismal dismay and utter pain. Life is full of good and bad surprises. My mom told me that life is really 10% circumstantial--things that happen to me. And the other 90% of life is how we respond to the 10%.

I am convinced that God is more interested in how we respond to Him, people who annoy us, people who we dislike, and the rest of things we could not plan for. The journey is always more important than the final result. Though the destination is what we are moving towards, I believe God considers that nothing compared to us experiencing the journey of living life day to day. God is amazing and His love has captivated my heart. I have been beaten down and hurt by friends, but it has not destroyed me. I have been hurt, but the pain is gone. I have been tossed aside and kicked while down on the ground lying powerless, yet God has never once dropped me or once let go of His grip on me. God has not gone anywhere and neither Have I. I have just needed time to let God heal me up and trust that His love conquers anything.

I have strengthened my feeble knees and have been running a long race. I have gathered good people around me to help encourage me on the long journey ahead. God has never let me down. God has never left me. God has never caused me any pain. He has been my Healer, my Restorer, my Life, my Lover, and my Father. There is no task too great or too hard for me to go through as long as He is with me.

My mom also told me the story of the wolves. There are two wolves inside each one of us. A good wolf and a bad wolf. Each wolf is fighting for out soul. "Do you know which one is going to win", I asked. She said, "The one you feed the most!" I was astounded and perplexed. I had always assumed growing up that good wolf would always win, but it is not so. If I am feeding the the food he desires, then he will grow strong and vice-versa with the bad wolf. However, the food that I feed each wolf is completely opposite. Only only one wolf will win. I am making the best effort to feed the good wolf and starve the bad wolf.

Another thing I learned that has had a profound impact on my life was learned this past week. I had a new friend I have just met in England who shared with myself and others about faith. It goes something like this: It is not about how little or how much faith we have...it is the object in which we place that faith. E.G. If there is a lake that is frozen over with only a thin layer of ice, it doesn't matter what the amount of faith is that I have put in that ice--I will fall through the ice if I set foot on it. I could have the biggest faith in the world, yet it would be to no avail if the object of my faith is fallible. However, if there is a lake that has been frozen over with a few feet of ice and is definitely sturdy--even a mustard seed of faith is all that is needed to walk upon that ice. It is not the huge amount of faith or small amount of faith that makes the difference, it is the OBJECT of our faith that matters the most.It is where we place our faith that makes the difference now how much faith we have. This statement has been digesting inside me ever since I heard it. Becky Fong, who shared this, truly has an understanding of God I would love to know. Thank God she shared this. I am forever changed.

I will never stop chasing Him. I will spend myself for the lost and for those who need to be built up in Christ. My life will be lived for and spent for the Lamb's reward.

Proven to Be True--God

2006-12-22T07:06:00.000-08:00

God has proven Himself to me once again. Not that I ever doubted, but when God shows Himself to be right after being obedient, it does wonders for faith. I cannot tell you h0w wonderful my Father is. Well, let me try. For a few months now God has been really pressing me and shaking things in my life. This act has actually pushed me deeper into Himself.

I have always been afraid of pain, of being vulnerable, of being rejected by people and friends. I decided that I didn't want to live like that anymore and knew that if I wanted to get closer to God I was going to have to embrace pain and deal with my hurts and fears. I "cowboy-ed up" and bit the bullet. It has been the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life. My life is at peace, I know I am comforted, and I am blessed beyond what I would have thought could be possible.

I have learned that people are not constant; they make decisions and change their minds and rise and fall, flourish and whither, and the ebb and flow of life's currents pushes and pull them through things that are good, bad, beautiful and ugly. However, there is a constant--Jesus. I have come to know that to be the truth of the matter. It doesn't matter if people go to and fro and bob and weave through life cause Jesus is my Rock on whom I am standing.

I know that friends can hurt, but oh how sweet it is when they bless. God has proven that no matter what happens in my life, He will always be constant. He will always be there to comfort me when the hurts of friends or enemies sink in. He has proven that He can restore, and prevent, and bless friendships that are centered on Himself.

Friends are God's conduits for growth and maturity--a catalyst if you will. He delights in using relationships to show Himself. I love friends, and I love knowing Jesus loves me and my friends and delights in our relationships and teaches us through each other.

The the storm may rage outside, my heart is at perfect peace cause I know that my Redeemer lives and He pursues me with a passion that cannot be compared. I am my Beloveds and He is mine. It doesn't matter if friends hurt me or love me because my hope in not in them, my hope is in Christ. He is my Savior. I have learned that people just sometimes don't know what they want, but it just comes with time, and time sorts everything out in the end. I know God is for me and not against me, and I am for God and not against Him and will continue to practice simple obedience cause above all else God desires obedience. I just feel like stopping everything and just worshiping Him. He has captured my heart and holds it in His hand. One look and I am weak in the knees and must just honor Him. Thank you Jesus

You have captured my heart,
my treasure, my bride.
You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes,
with a single jewel of your necklace.
Your love delights me,
my treasure, my bride.
Your love is better than wine,
your perfume more fragrant than spices.

Song of Solomon 4:8-10 (New Living Translation)

Thursday Thirteen #1

2006-12-21T23:30:00.000-08:00

Twelve Bones I Have Broken and Some Stitches Too

1. Broke my right arm at 5 years old. My brother WWF body slammed me to the ground. It hurt!

2. Four weeks after I got the plaster off that arm I fell of the monkey bars and broke my left arm. (did get to ride the firetruck to the hospital) That hurt too.

3. At 8 years old I tried to jump over a wire (the kind that are set up in parking lots to keep cars off the walking area), well...I missed and slammed my knee into the pavement. Cracked my knee-cap. The one hurt like crazy.

4. At 11 years old, I was playing American Football and did a cart-wheel in the air after getting hit. Land on my shoulder and broke my left clavicle (collar bone). So not fun!

5. The next year was playing American Football and got tripped before I caught the ball. My hand turned on me funny, and I broke my left wrist again. Played the next game without a plaster cause it was the championship game. We lost.

6. During cross country season the same year, I tried to jump over a guard rail on the road--and missed and broke my right clavicle (collar bone). Yeah, I know, pretty lame!

7. Playing basketball the next year. Went up for a rebound, came down (without the ball) and broke my left ankle.

8. A week later, I tripped on my plaster going down the stairs and end up breaking my left wrist again!

9. It gets better. I tried to play basketball with both my plasters on (with little kids). Turned funny on my right ankle and broke that poor ankle. I was then in a wheelchair with three plasters.

10. Moved to Hong Kong around 15 or 16 and was playing street ball. Broke my left ankle again.

11. Didn't do my physical therapy and broke my left ankle again a year later playing street ball on the same court. I know, I never learned.

12. Then, in University, I was playing a game of indoor Ultimate Frisbee and ran into the wall and broke my big, left toe. That was almost the worst cause you can't put the toe in a plaster, yet I still needed to walk.

13. I have also had staples in my head (from basketball), almost lost my Pinkie finger at two (car door accident), and I had stitches in my hand from more stupidity--I tried to turn a knob on a heavy spotlight to see if it would move up. This action loosened the spotlight and it came crashing down on my hand and split open the fatty part of my hand between the thumb and the index finger. I so thought I was going to die!

Christmas is Coming

2006-12-12T09:24:00.000-08:00

So Christmas is coming and for some reason I'm not so excited. I know, I know I should be jumping with joy singing the songs of Christmas and eating loads of food, but this year it's just going to be so different. See, my parents are moving house and they plan to do this on the 20th--5 days before Christmas. Who moves five days before Christmas? I just don't get it, but who am I to tell my parents when they can and cannot move.

It only sucks because I am used to having Christmas in the USA with all my dad's side of the family. He is the oldest of 12. I have 24 cousins and some of them are married with kids as well. Every Christmas we get together (all of us in one house) and just love the family relationships we have. There is no fighting, not arguing, but each member looks out for the interests of the other family members.

I have heard stories of families fighting and arguing the whole time they are together, and I have never ever understood why. I guess my family is really special in that sense. I just am blessed to have been born into such a wonderful family.

I am upset this year cause this will be the second year I will miss the celebration, and not only that, I'm not sure I will get the turkey and fixings that go along with a Christmas dinner, but I don't know if I will be able to spend time with my own family this year due to my parents move.

I am not that upset, but just wish I could have a normal Christmas this year, but it doesn't look like it will happen. However, I know God is always good and faithful, and I will make sure I am thankful that I do get to spend Christmas with some family even if it will be in a new house that will not be set up completely. I have learned to be content in whatever situation I am in. I hope this Christmas season there will be less of me and more of Jesus. I must decrease, He must increase.

God is Good

2006-11-28T09:36:00.000-08:00

Had trouble posting my cowboy pic. I miss the horses and ranch I worked at back in my college days. One day, I will own a ranch and raise horses. Of course, if that's God's will. I know it is a strong desire I have. I love life and God has been faithful to me in the midst of everything. God has taught me over these last few weeks what His love truly is, and how He is showing me everyday His passion for His people. He has given me the opportunity to feel what He feels and has shown me that He has been more faithful than the knowing night will come and a new day will dawn. It happens again and again, yet God is more faithful than even that law.

I used to be so pessimistic on how reality would never measure up to my ideology. I needed to adjust my vision and look to the Source of Life to understand life itself. I am learning about eternity and how my life should be measured according to eternity and not according to this world's version. I know it seems simple, but sometimes I think way too much and over analyze and just get sobered up to the reality of how life is hard across this world for so many, and I have it easier, yet can tell myself my problems are worse. This is not true and I am glad to be free from that line of thinking.

God is so amazing. He has taken something dead and turned it into life. He has taken something evil and turned it into something good. He has taken me and made my life worth living even before I was born, and I am so happy and blessed to know that God will love me just the same and no different--even if I was the most prominent preacher in all the world and was used to save many people, and gave all my wealth to the poor, and was used to do many miracles; God would love me. Yes, and even if I had nothing and lost everything and ended up living under a bridge, eating from trashcans and addicted to drugs; God would still love me. My Father makes no distinctions in His love, and He favors no one over another. I love Him with all my being and will let His love move me to do His will.

I AM MY BELOVEDS AND HE IS MINE!

Mellen Family Wedding #2

2006-11-28T09:10:00.000-08:00

Here is my sister's wedding. She got married this year (2006). As you can see I gained a few lbs from the last wedding. I couldn't help it. I love the food in Hong Kong and my job requires me to sit and teach most of the time. The air quality is poor and that's my exuse for not exercising. It's hard to believe that I'm an uncle and will be one again after the New Year. I love having extended family whom I can call brother and sister-in-law. God is so good.

The Mellen Family

2006-11-28T08:36:00.000-08:00

So here is my family in Shanghai for my brothers wedding last year June.As you can see, we are all hotties! :) My brother has lost about 75lbssince then. He lost about 50lbs before the wedding. He is expecting a child onJanuary 1st, 2007. I will be an uncle again. (Christianna is My sister Jessica's baby. She's in the yellow.) She got married later on.I love my family. Alesha (next to the Bride) lives in Colorado.The Bride's name is Summer. And yes, her name is now SUMMER MELLEN Hehe! I love it!

My Beautiful Niece--Christianna Chan

2006-11-28T08:23:00.000-08:00

Isn't she just adorable? Her name is Christianna which
means "Annointed One" Her Chinese name isChan Tin-Oi (Teen-Oi)meaning "The Father's Love" Is that not a powerful name?! She is so lovely.She was born on October 1st, 2006--Chinese National Day.That is the same as America's Independence Day
She will bless many Nations and will draw Nations together for the Lamb's Reward.

Thanksgiving

2006-11-27T03:34:00.000-08:00

So this past week was Thanksgiving. Yes, what a wonderful holiday where good food meets good fellowship. There was turkey, some funky stuffing, mashed taters, cranberry sauce, and all sorts of dips and chips and appetizers of fruits and vegetables with an amazing artichoke dip. This was fun. We celebrated on the roof of a 24 story building in Hong Kong. All around us were taller building and a somewhat black view of the Harbor.

It was fun to celebrate with such an international crowd, yet my favorite part was the four American exchange students who came with me, and it was fun to finally have someone who understands American culture and humor. I love Hong Kong, but sometimes I feel like I am one crying out in the wilderness.

I love giving thanks! I am thankful for friends who spur me onward and won't walk away from e no matter what. I am thankful for enemies who God puts in my life to bring me closer to Him and teaches me forgiveness and mercy. I am thankful for a church whose ministry is blessing people left and right, and I am blessed to be apart of it and able to serve the church as well.

I am thankful to know that as far as the east is from the west, that's how far God has removed my transgressions from me. I am thankful to be redeemed and blessed to know life on earth is temporary and eternity is forever and I'm so happy to know that. It's a relief.

Free Will: Sometimes it Hurts

2006-11-21T04:27:00.000-08:00

So the past few weeks have been full of emotions. There has been good, bad, and ugliness all around. My life was shaken to the core with my former (not due to the incident, rather because I moved to Asia) pastor Ted Haggard's admission of guilt, a friend’s failure after doing well for so long, and another friend's choice that has caused me to step back for a moment to understand better what her intentions are.

Choices are made everyday by everyone all aver this world. Some are good choices and some are bad choice. I, myself, have been know to make really good decisions, yet others only know me by my extremely poor decisions. Life has taught me over and over that good choices breed good consequences and bad choices breed bad consequences. BUT, Romans 8:28 does provide hope for me when I do choose poorly.

All this emotion hasn't left or gotten much better either, but I have chosen to stay the course that God has laid out for me. He brought me to Asia for a purpose and I will learn everything I can from this pain inside me everyday. It's very interesting that none of this pain seems to have been because of my bad decisions. Well, unless it was the decision to be open and vulnerable with others--then I guess making a good decision can sometimes breed bad consequences. But I embrace this pain and this wonderment of life.
Before when I was child I was afraid of pain, but now as a man I have learned to just embrace it and let God comfort me. Forgiveness is beautiful thing. My heart goes out to my friends who are navigating their way through life right now--just like most of us. I am on my knees constantly for them.

I have also learned the true value of prayer. I know that my life cannot impact and cause another's life to change for the better without that relationship with Jesus. I also know the value prayer for others as well (1 Timothy 2:1-6) and have determined that prayer is the only thing that can save a friend or foe from evil's deadly purpose. Prayer not only saves, but it something that God loves. He loves it when we intercede for those he loves because He does that very same thing. (Romans 8:26-27, 34b)

Regardless of all that happens in my life, I know that God is constant and the one thing I know God has given mankind is Free Will and sometimes it hurts. It hurts when friends make poor decisions and their consequences affect me. It hurts when I make poor decisions and hurt my friends. No matter the pain, I have found that pain, when dealt with properly, can cause a deepness to grow amongst friends. I cannot stop my friends from making bad decisions or cause them to make good decisions. I can only pray and build them up and encourage them to live with their life close to the Father's heart, and to spur others along in love and good deeds (Hebrews 10:24).

I have come to realize the importance of grace, mercy, and forgiveness. I know that before I was so caught up in justice and making right the wrongs by seeking justice and maybe vengeance, I am now convinced that God loves mercy just as much as justice and somehow they are in intertwined.

I love my friends and will continue to be there for them when needed or just to hang out and do ababsolutely nothing just being friends regardless if they choose rightly or wrongly.

Thoughts From the Heart

2006-11-07T08:03:00.000-08:00

The heart knows such troubles and sorrows that no one man or woman could comprehend or see, taste, touch or feel. My heart has evil and good, yet no man can tell the difference between the two. For no one can fathom the deceptions of the heart or feel the pangs of love and fear mixed with emotion that only can confuse and fail a man when his character is put to the test.

Humans can only sit back and cast their judgements of someones behavior. There is nothing good that can come from man, yet man is puffed up and idolized as something so significant when goodness and honesty are preached, but as soon as any hint of vileness and evil spew forth from his heart, he is judged and condemned by his fellow human being who most likely struggle with the same things if not better or worse.

My heart fails me and my bones ache with pain and sorrow at the fate of friend and loved ones who have been feeling pain and sadness, fear and anger, bitterness and death. I try and I try, but nothing can save my friends from bad decisions, save that of Jesus Christ and his ultimate grace. There is nothing good that can come from man or woman that comes from themselves for we are all sinners and should be condemned to death for even the vileness in our hearts that we battle on a daily basis.

I am not a saint in my flashiness that wants to rule and reign over my entire body. No, I have nothing good that lives inside me that I could boast as something I should receive credit for. No, only by the grace and mercy of a loving God and the cross of Jesus Christ can I even breathe a single breath or speak a single good word.

I cannot stand by and watch people suffer and hurt when it is within my grasp to help them. I will not stay silent and not confront my friends and their shortcomings, but I will supply the grace and mercy and love that could turn them from death to life.

I have lived life long enough to know that forgiveness is key, mercy sets free that which should receive condemnation, and grace moves us to continue to fight for that which is right, true, and just. Without grace and mercy judgement would condemn, and justice could not do its true and proper work.

I have friends who need prayer. I, myself, am in need of that. Please, if you are reading this and are a believer in Jesus Christ--pray for me and my friends--doesn't need to be complex, but just simple and full of faith. Thanks you and God bless you.

The Pinnacle of Pain?

2006-11-06T10:03:00.000-08:00

So this past week was really hard for me. I woke up one day to a headline that said the president of the National Association of Evangelicals (NAE) was accused of a pay-for-sex scandal. I was hoping there had been a new president because the one I knew a year and a half ago when I lived in Colorado Springs was a mentor and a father figure to me. To my heart's pain, I opened the link and my world was turned upside-down. This was surreal. The worst part was that he had resigned his NAE post, and took a leave of absence from the church. He denied the claims, and I was shocked at the thought of what had just transpired.

I was "adopted" into Ted Haggards family while living in Colorado Springs as I attended New Life Church (NLC). I had learned a great deal about life from this man. He had mentored me, provided money when desperately needed, and was there to guide me through the questions and struggles of manhood. I dined at his house, and his son was one of my closest friends. I was content in Colorado and loved this Haggard family deeply!

At first, I knew something was awry the minute he left his posts so quickly. Ted Haggard was always being accused of something, somewhere, with someone who hated him for whatever reason. It was just something he dealt with, and nothing ever came of it. I knew that day (the day I read the the first article on the drudgereport.com), my life and his life would never be the same. Wow...was it changed--for the better though.

I still love this man, and what he has taught me will always stay with me. I am in no way angry or bitter toward his actions. I know it must have been inconceivably hard on him to have these thoughts and desires that were not natural to him. He must have felt shame and embarrassment every time he talked to his councilors to receive help and prayer. After so many years of dealing with the thoughts and feelings, walking in freedom, then feeling the same things he didn't want to feel, he stopped fighting, and the darkness "dominated" him.

I cried so many tears this week; not because I was so hurt by Ted Haggard, it was cause I hate it for him. It pains me, cause I feel his hurt and his pain cause I am close to him, close to his family, close to that splendid body of believers at NLC. I hurt cause the body of Christ hurts.

Not only did these events affect me, my dad informed me that another Pastor in Montanaa (a wonderful friend of our family) lost his fight with leukemia and went on home to be with Jesus. It broke my heart once again. A great man who stood firm and lived his life to the fullest!

Not only that news, I have a wonderful friend who has been fighting alcoholism and lost a battle with it this past week. I care about her so much, and know her heart, but failed to keep her from the evil stuff. She got drunk after a few weeks of being sober. She was put in that position through a friends invite, but I left her there at the party without any accountability. My heart broke again, and once again I cried and cried and cried. I care about her so much, yet I didn't stop her from her binge.

Not only that, I cannot get a hold of my friend in Europe who may or may not be pregnant due to some indiscretions that pain me. It hurts and hurts. Is this the pinnacle of pain? Perhaps, but I am reminded of what Jesus suffered and my pain pales greatly in comparison.

Though I am saddened, I am strengthened by my Father to know that He never fails and her never has left me. I have decided that there is only one thing that can protect my friends and loved ones from the things of this world that could destroy them is by prayer. I cannot protect a single person from anything. I cannot just step into my friends' lives and force them to change. Grace and mercy are needed when 'mess ups' occur, but prayer can totally prevent these things form happening.

Prayer is what is needed for my friends and Ted Haggard, my mentor. I will survive and am even flourishing as I write these words. I have a renewed spirit that beckons me to pray. I have prayed more this week for my friends and family than I have in such a long time. I have thought way too long about myself and wants, and that needs to change. I am human and more than able to do the most evil and stupidest things in my life, save the grace of Jesus.

I know this may be a bit long, but I want to conclude this with telling you how much I care about the things (even little, and stupid things) that my friends do. I will not abandon any of my friends. I will defend them, love them, care for them, and keep them honest. Most of all, I will pray even more for them and less for me. My life will be better off with prayer and focus on others.

To my friend who 'messed up:' You are wonderful and awesome. I love being friends with you, and keep fighting for your freedom from addiction to alcohol. You will win, and I will be cheering for you through the whole race and will celebrate with you drinking Mountain Dew at the end of the race when you win! Thanks for your friendship. You can never change my opinion of you--whatever you do.

A Friend That Sticks Closer Than a Brother

2006-11-02T23:02:00.000-08:00

I have a friend...a great friend. I don't know how we became good friends, but one day we met and have been friends ever since then. I've had "friends" before, but not of the quality of this friend. I was inspired by my friends blog to finally share my own insights and life with whoever wants to know.

Even though I have not been friends with my friend for many years like lots of people, I still have learned so much and have been extremely blessed by this friendship. I know that people are hurt by friends, loved by friends, stabbed in the back by friends, and even have the best relationship as friends.

A friend can stick closer than a brother. A friend will lay his/her life down for a close friend. A friend will comfort, respect, encourage, exhort, and be brutally honest. A friend will not lead others down a bad road with bad consequences. Yes, friends are fallible, yet friends grant mercy, give forgiveness freely and work through personal issues with their own friends. A friend fights to preserve a friendships and goes to bat for fellow friends and stand up and defends them. A friend will be there when needed even if they have bad hair and no make-up or gelled hair.

My friend is like the above mentioned, and I know I can trust my friend. My friendship with this friend has made my life better and I'm so thankful for that God has been good to me and may this be a friendship that lasts a long, long, long time.